Wednesday, October 24, 2007

When The Going Gets Tough, Just Shut Up!

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Too much talking today. People see a live microphone and they feel compelled to say something. I wish they would merely say no comment, but no they start to talk and then talk some more. This applies to political candidates, celebrities, athletes and everybody else. The most obnoxious abusers of this practice are the ones currently talking. Take George W. Bush, please. Whenever the incoherent rambler-in-chief stops to ad lib a carefully constructed speech or answer some impromptu questions from the media, he sounds like a mentally challenged head injury victim. Bush is a guy who has great difficulty expelling a burp at a club soda drinking festival unless it was notated to do so in crayon, directly in front of him.

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Athletes are also examples of mind numbing head trauma victims when they answer the most ridiculous questions with even more ridiculous responses. This will be clearly illustrated as the World Series begins Wednesday night in Boston. You think you guys can win the series this year Joe? Oh yeah we definitely got a chance if we stay healthy, get good pitching and hitting, get the breaks and play hard. I always wonder why they don't say, yeah we can win if we score more runs than the other team. If one team scores seven runs and the opposition scores six or less, boom, you win. Reporters have to fill newspapers with mindless interviews and analysis that means absolutely nothing. Television guys doing the 6:00 and 11:00 sportscasts have to fill time as well. What was that pitch you hit out of the park in the 7th inning Jose? Jose will kill three minutes explaining it was a slider. Slide this. Who cares what specific pitch was thrown, just hit the damn ball over the damn wall.

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What about political candidates answering hard hitting questions from soft tossing journalists? Every answer to every question is straight from their campaign literature. When do you think we can bring our troops home from Iraq, Senator? That's an excellent question Sam. Let me answer that by saying we have the finest troops in the world. They're the best trained fighting force ever assembled and Americans are so proud of them. They remind me of the time I was fishing with my father and we caught a five and a half foot tuna and that reminds me of when I met my wife and yada yada yada. I'm sorry Senator, when did you say we would bring the troops home? Sam, I think we should pass a resolution saluting the American fighting men and women of the United States of America that flies the flag I so proudly display on my lapel.

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But most important of all cases where mouths should be sealed shut involves so called celebrities. It's rare to watch CNN nowadays for 20 minutes without getting an update on the likes of Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan or Britney Spears. These idiots are discussed and interviewed on so called news programs. Your grandparents have seen Britney going commando. (Ewwww) Experts are brought in to discuss the thought processes people like Britney go through. Interviewers are asking her what her Halloween plans are, what color panties she's wearing if she's even wearing them. I bet you more people under 40 in America, know the names of Britney's kids than know the name of their own Governor, US Senators and Congressional representative. Reporters ask her what she thinks of certain issues. If I ever hear somebody justifying their position on a particular issue by quoting Britney Spears or Paris Hilton, I will have to consider severing their arm and then proceeding to beating them in the head with it.


The way I see it, we're left with two choices in this country. We either have to stop interviewing people or shortening the days from 24 to 4 hours. With the explosion of 24 hour cable news operations, there simply is not enough news to sustain 24 hour around the clock coverage. Tops, there is four hours of news and that's on a somewhat eventful day. The purpose of transmitting vital information to people around the world has to be more than debating if the 3 -1 pitch should have been a slider or a fastball. It has to be more than asking politicians meaningful questions in order to extract meaningless answers. It has to be more than asking Britney Spears what her plans are for a 50 pound pumpkin she's carrying around in her trunk. We need more eventful news like Marie Osmond fainting on Dancing with the Stars. Marie revealed in an explosive interview immediately after regaining consciousness that she sometimes forgets to breathe when she becomes nervous or excited. Wow, that's what I call news, competition, celebrity information and drama all rolled up in one little dance. So the key is more dancing or shorter days. Clearly I've left you all with quite a bit to ponder.....

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