Tuesday, October 30, 2007

GOD: Big Gambler or Just a Big Sports Fan?

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Somebody needs to ask and that somebody happens to be me. I was finally driven over the edge watching Game 4 of the recently completed Red Sox sweep of Colorado to win the 2007 World Series. I swear to the subject of this article, the cameramen covering the game seemed to spend as much time panning to crowd shots of religious Colorado Rockie fans genuflecting in prayer as what was taking place on the field. My initial impression is as it always has been, look at these misguided fools praying to God that their team would win the game. Was the outcome of this or any athletic contest to be determined by which fans were the superior prayers? I finally realized after seeing the 2,000th fan with their hands clasped in prayer, that yeah this game had nothing to do with the players on the field, but would be ultimately decided by the prayers in the stands.

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What made me come to that conclusion you ask? Look around and smell the fear just below the surface of the morning dew. People nowadays are not only terrified by Muslim extremists, but by fear itself. It's hard to crow how we're winning the war on terrorism when we can't take a bottle of water or shampoo on a plane. If God was paying attention to world events half as much as he is to sports, would we be mired in a war in Iraq, another possible war in Iran, genocide in Darfur, rampant worldwide poverty, world wide devastation because of global warming, premature death by the same illnesses our great-grandparents died of because stem cell research has been throttled or being subjected to a president as stupid as George W. Bush? I think not. This is a clear case of an all-omnipotent spiritual being spending too much leisure time watching sports then watching how the people created in his own image are screwing the planet over.

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It's time we stop kidding ourselves about being better people when we should be focusing on being better fans. Whenever I would see sports fans effeminately waving white hankies, doing the wave, bastardizing Native Americans by using foam rubber tomahawks in "the chop" or all wearing the same color shirt, my first instinct has always been to puke. It simply doesn't work. It's too generic, too regional and too sissified. Fans need to pool their energies and, more importantly, their faiths to pray in unison loud enough that nobody, not even God Almighty, can ignore their pleas anymore. Imagine 50,000 baseball fans in Colorado praying at the top of their lungs. The Red Sox would have been condemned or dare I say cursed to eternal damnation. Now, of course, four of the seven games were scheduled to be played in Boston, thereby negating the prayers of Colorado. But maybe if the praying was effective enough, an act of God would have created some type of catastrophe in New England forcing more games be played in Colorado.

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Colorado is a Red State. Massachusetts is a Blue State. Everything I hear indicates red state prayers are better than their blue state opponents, thereby making a Rockie victory inevitable. One thing I would advise, however, is sports organizations have to be much more careful what they name their stadiums and arenas in the future. Colorado plays its games in Coors Field. The stadium is named after beer. You know what beer does. It makes you drunk and the tool of the devil. God is not going to sign on to that. God will go with Boston who plays in Fenway. When the stadium opened its doors back in 1912, Fenway was a section of downtown Boston. God in theory will choose tradition rich history over beer any day of the week, I would think. So be careful how you name your sports stadiums. Select more God-friendly names like Wrigley as in chewing gum or Mile High Stadium in Denver where the football Broncos play. A mile high is closer to heaven than Death Valley. The best place, however, is where the Los Angeles Angels play. That's right, Angels Stadium. Yeah, like they'll ever lose a game again. Just imagine what will happen when they play the Tampa Bay Devil Rays.

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So in conclusion sports fans, it doesn't matter whether you win or lose, but how you pray the game. Our team doesn't need better players, but better prayers. A great power hitting third baseman can't compete with the power of God. Why waste time praying our guys can win when our prayers can insure they'll win. So, until God starts spending more time watching the world, watching the temperatures, watching the terrorists and watching the polling booths, why not at least win some more games and get in some quality praying in as well. Once we can accomplish that, we can really find eternal happiness beyond sports. That's right, sports gambling. Watch our bank account grow as our interest grows in our teams. I mean after all, isn't that the real definition of the expression, Win-Win? God, I need a face card on top of my bullet. BLACKJACK! again.....

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