Monday, March 10, 2008

Time For Obama To Deliver a Body Slama!


Look, up in the sky. It's a bird, it's a plane, it's SuperObama. Now has come the time to transform those words of hope into a plan of action. So the saying goes, "you can't bring a knife to a gun fight anymore than you can invoke the Marquess of Queensberry rules to a street brawl." When your opponent, be it man, woman or desperate, shrill politician decides to discard the rules of engagement, you have no alternative but to follow suit. Because if you don't, you will soon find yourself on the short end of the pantsuit. Team Hillary is now clearly in a take no prisoners mode. A state of critical mass has been reached and Barack Obama can no longer claim the high ground of hope while Hillary scorches and chars the field of reality. The Clintons think they've finally figured out the magic formula to usurp the will of the people by using despicable and deceitful methods that would make even Karl Rove blush.

Firstly, repeat the same phrase over and over and over again until people accept what they hear as truth rather than campaign rhetoric. Can anybody begin to accurately count how many times they've been told how Hillary has 35 years of experience and how ready she is to lead from day one? As has been noted in this blog many times, she's 60 years old and has started the experience clock from the moment she passed the Arkansas Bar Exam. Perhaps this so called experience would have been more detailed had she not previously FAILED the Washington D.C. Bar Exam. Now, I do realize that passing any legitimate bar exam is difficult and not a criteria to be elected president. Look at our current president. He never passed a bar either, especially if it was fully stocked with Jack Daniels. But getting a law degree, being First Lady of Arkansas and the United States, being a Wal-Mart Board Member and being repeatedly publicly embarrassed and humiliated by your cheating husband, is not a training ground to become leader of the free world.

The truth is nobody has experience doing anything until you do it. Does John McCain have more experience and right to be president because he was held captive in a prison? If that were the case, I suppose Charles Manson is by far the more qualified candidate, my friends. Hillary Clinton's 3AM experience answering the phone has previously involved finding Bill, more than saving the world from nuclear holocaust. Name me some of McCain's 3AM accomplishments. I imagine finding his glasses so he could find his teeth are the top two. Everybody loves touting their experience for things they've never done. All we can really do is look at the records of the candidates and their judgments thus far. Most of Hillary's experience has been as the wife of a silver tongued and haired orator who has dispensed personal charm more effectively than he has legislatively. Being a spouse of someone successful is all well and good, but it shouldn't be grist to fill in your resume. Who voted for the War in Iraq again?

Let's be honest here, had her name been Hillary Depilatory, could she have moved to New York and been elected to the US Senate? No way, she rode the coattails of the Immoral Dope from Hope right into that cushy job. Now she's looking to star in the sequel in Washington DC. She is clearly demonstrating that she and her team of high paid manipulators will stop at nothing to accomplish her dream at your expense. Hillary is a tough leader when it suits her purpose and an abused woman when that's more advantageous. She's a gracious woman when that's what's called for and a bare knuckled brawler the next. The bottom line is clearly she will do anything, say anything and manipulate anybody to achieve her objective. She's not fighting fair, she's fighting dirty. Barack Obama must therefore put the politics of hope on hold and fight fire with fire before his presidential aspirations go up in smoke.

The electorate claim over and over again how much they loathe negative campaigning. They also claim not to stop in traffic and stare at the mangled mass of what was once a car. People hate sex and violence so much on television that the networks ram it by the pound down your collective throats every time they need to boost their ratings. Senator Obama can't listen to what people say but rather how they act. If he's serious about winning the democratic nomination and eventually the White House, the time has come to prove it with words of fear over hope, lies over truth and telling people what they want to hear as opposed to what they need to hear. Hillary is doing that right now and it's working. In a perfect world, your head could campaign in the clouds even when your opponent's head is in the gutter. But this is far from a perfect world and reality dictates you have to come back down to earth and have at it. If Hillary wants to fight, I say give her one. Ask Hillary where her tax returns are, where her White House papers are, where the list of contributors to the Clinton Library are and while we're asking, it's now 3AM, I wonder where Hillary's husband is.......

Friday, March 7, 2008

Tough Talk Does Not Translate Into ACTION


If only Americans applied the theory that walking the walk takes precedence over talking the talk, we might actually be the greatest country on earth in practice rather than through empty words. I sometimes feel our national symbol should be one of those garish over sized We're Number 1 Foam Rubber Fingers rather than a majestically soaring bald eagle. Yes maam and yes sir, Americans can convince themselves of almost anything. The more outrageous the claim, the louder we talk and talk and talk. Because if we say it enough times and if others repeat it enough times, we eventually will believe just about anything. It's an over simplification to claim this is a result of good old fashioned stupidity, but seemingly anything will be accepted as a proven fact if it's repeated enough times. Over the years numerous psychological tests have been conducted to substantiate this phenomenon. You can conduct a variation of how this works yourself. Gather up 20 of your closest friends in one room. Tell friend #1 a totally unsubstantiated rumor and write down specifically what you asserted. Then tell friend #1 to repeat verbatim the same rumor to friend #2 and so on and so forth. I guarantee by the time friend #20 hears the rumor, it will be almost completely different from what you told friend #1.

Some of you are now asking yourself what does this prove. Thank you for asking. In the most basic terminology, even though people assimilate what you tell them, their brain will interpret the information the way it's been conditioned to process data. This is most often a reflection of their own belief system. I had told friend #1 that a photo of Barack Obama exists in which he's wearing a Muslim suicide bomber uniform and should he be elected President of the United States, he will assemble and lead a jihad known as the "Reign of Hussein" against Americans as we blissfully sleep in our beds. If your group of 20 is truly a diverse cross section of America, at least a handful of your network are now panic stricken and the last person in line has heard such a terrifying misrepresentation of the original story, he's probably driving 90 mph to the nearest gun shop to purchase his own private stash of WMD. The bottom line is, some people will laugh at the ridiculousness of this idiotic rumor you initiated, some people will laugh but surmise there could be a scintilla of truth to it, some would say "aha, I knew it" and some people are debating whether they should purchase two or three bazookas to protect their double wide from the invading horde from the middle east.

People believe what they choose to believe and that's exacerbated exponentially the more times they hear it. Even if you've paid minimal attention to this year's presidential campaigns, you've all heard how Hillary's 35 years of experience alone qualifies her to lead this country from day one. We've heard it so many times in fact, people have become Pavlovian in the manner they repeat it without even realizing they're doing it. Congratulations to you. You have drunk the kool-aid trough dry and now qualify for health care under Hillary's Automaton Healthcare Program. Before it's too late, I would suggest you take a road trip down the nearest highway and much like the average Canine-American, open your mouth and stick your head out the window to ingest maximum oxygen. Then quietly sit down with one of those delicious over-sized black and white cookies or perhaps a waffle on a stick and ask your self one minor question. Hillary's 35 years of experience doing what exactly?

First some simple math. Hillary is a 60 year old woman. My mathematic skills indicate to me this experience train she has been riding left the depot in 1973 when Hillary was 25 years of age. In the winter of '73 when the experience process began, Hillary was a 3rd year law student at Yale University. Trust me when I tell you how much is to be learned at that ivy covered bar and grill, but there are NO presidential experience law 101 classes offered. She then spent a few months studying for the Washington, D.C. and Arkansas Bar Exams. 551 of the 817 applicants or 67% taking the D.C. exam passed. Hillary, however, was one of the 266 applicants who FAILED! She did manage to pass the somewhat less prestigious Arkansas Bar Exam, but would keep the D.C. failure a closely guarded secret, even from her closest friends, for nearly 30 years. Hillary then worked as a congressional junior legal counsel. A year later, she married William "Fidelity" Clinton and relocated to Little Rock, Arkansas. If there's one thing we can all agree on, if you want to learn how to lead the free world, a world class, cosmopolitan metropolis like Little Rock is the place to do this. Bill did it and Mike "Goober" Huckabye fell about 12 million votes short of replicating that plan, so the odds are even money that if you want to become president, Arkansas is the place for you. Hillary worked for a local law firm until she became First Lady of Arkansas in 1981. Except for a two year period, she continued in the role until 1992. During that two year period, she gained invaluable presidential experience as a board member of Wal-Mart. She then graduated from first lady of Arkansas to First Lady of the United States until 2001. She has been the junior senator of New York for the past seven years. The last US Senator to become president was John Kennedy in 1960. Before JFK, only two other US Senators have gone on to be elected president since 1888. The senate is not a great training ground to become ready from day one it would seem.

So to recap Hillary's 35 years of experience. One year was spent in law school. Two years as a junior congressional "gofer". Six years as an Arkansas lawyer. Two years as a board member of Wal-Mart. Nine years as the First Lady of Arkansas. Eight years as the First Lady of the US. Seven years as a US Senator. 1+2+6+2+9+8+7 = 35. Yeah that works. I once helped a friend of mine paint his ceiling. I suppose that qualifies me to repaint as least a portion the Sistine Chapel. I mean Michaelangelo wasn't all that tested to paint from day one. Let's get real Hillary. My six year old nephew has as much presidential experience as Senators Obama, McCain and you combined. He may in fact be even more qualified because of his proficiency in Xbox and Wii. He certainly is intellectually superior to George W, but let's leave that idiot savant out of this discussion and continue focusing on you. I hope Senator Obama starts leading the chorus to more carefully analyze your 35 years, your unwillingness to release your tax returns, your failure to release your secretive presidential papers so the American people can find out just what you did in the White House, your unwillingness to list Bill's presidential library donor list, why you need six rings to answer the phone and most importantly, why you're still dressed in what appears to be a polyester/rayon blend pantsuit and necklace at 3AM.

Could it be you're a vampire, Hillary? Hey everybody, light your torches and find the secret lair of the Transylvanian Titwillow. I always recall the colloquialism that "it ain't bragging if you can back it up". But if you can't back it up, then it becomes time to shut it up. You haven't put forth one positive contribution to this entire nomination process. That could all change instantly, however, if you put the American people and the best interests of the democratic party before yourself and made an immediate concession speech. You can even make it self serving. Use that 35 years of experience to do something real for once. That's the kind of tough talk that translates into positive action...

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

There's no I in Team, But There is in Hillary


Life is often separated by two philosophies. What's best for the greater good of society on one hand and what's best for me on the other. Any well adjusted human knows there are legitimate times to incorporate both. However, certain narcissistic humans convince themselves that what's best for them will naturally be best for everybody else. I am convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that Hillary Clinton believes she was predestined to become President of the United States. When she repeatedly claims her mantra of how her 35 years of experience has prepared her for this lofty goal, she never elucidates any actual specificities to back up her words with actions. Hillary Clinton wants to be president. She demands her place in history as the first female to be elected president. She believes God herself has singled her out to take her rightful place alongside every notable martyr, philosopher, saint and leader before her. How does any reasonable adult allow him/herself to believe that the person to lead us from eight years of hopeless wandering through a deep chasm to the mountaintop is a self appointed 60 year old carnival barker with a shrill voice and a personality as authentic as plastic?

I was sickened once again in my lifetime to have to helplessly stand by and watch a fraudulent charlatan exploit peoples' beliefs, weaknesses, hopes and dreams, just so she can fulfill the grandeur of her own ego. Team Hillary once again crawled out from behind the woodwork to dupe the majority of the citizenry of Texas, Ohio and my beloved Rhode Island on Tuesday to capture the popular vote in those three primaries. In actuality, it's not the popular vote that nominates presidents, but the locally elected delegates. That means the four contests were basically a draw, but nobody should think this nominating process has anything to do with reality. This is all about perception and deception. A week ago, were you in a panic about who would answer that 3AM ringing phone along with what color pantsuit they would be wearing? Wake up America, you're being manipulated, duped and played for suckers by the exact same kind of people that made fools of you for the previous eight years. The only discernible difference between George W. Bush and Hillary Clinton is that one of them urinates standing up and the other sitting down. Just please don't try to pin me down as to which does what.

This country desperately needs a change in course direction after two Bush terms. Unless you're an oil company executive reading this, your life and that of your children has devalued as much as our currency has since 2001. Everything has less value but costs more. If you come to Europe and plan to spend $2,000, you'll have to bring $3,000 because of the shrinking value of the US dollar. That same $2,000 tab will run you $4,000 in the UK and is now a wash in Canada. Your SUV will soon be swallowing $4 per gallon gas and everything will cost more because it's more expensive to get from point A to point B. American soldiers continue to die and suffer catastrophic injuries in Iraq, but the high prices, home foreclosures and hatred between segments of society have pushed the war off the front pages. We are, after all, an out of sight, out of mind people. Right now the war only becomes an issue when politicians need to pander for votes by pulling a flag out of their back pockets to wave and rally about the brave men and women of our armed forces.

Why are people so gullible? Why do millions of democrats allow themselves to be made fools of by Hillary's sales staff? Hillary is the ringing phone candidate, the ready from day one candidate, the solutions candidate, the action not words candidate, the everything positive but nothing negative candidate and perhaps even the Manchurian Candidate. She plays the victim card, the woman card and the concerned mother card all in one breath and then becomes the terminator in the next. Hillary is everything to everybody. Ask not what your Hillary can do for you, but what can you do for your Hillary. Go ahead, take a sheet of blank white paper and list all of her accomplishments over the past 35 years and see afterwards how strongly the finished product resembles the same blank sheet of paper you started with. The nomination game was played by the rules and Barack Obama won fair and square. Make no mistake, however, this nomination was never about fair or square, it was all about Hillary. She will pull the entire democratic party into the mud with her before she will concede defeat. You don't like the results of the game, keep changing the game until such time as you do.

This was never about what's best for America, but always about what was best for Hillary. Her self proclaimed destiny demands that. She will be president no matter who or what must be destroyed along the way. I keep hearing politics is a dirty game and nothing is out of bounds. I am competitive and like to win as much as the next guy, but I also hold my integrity in esteem as well. If your ambition supersedes your honor and your honor supersedes nothing, you invariably become what you behold. Individuals must represent their team, not the other way around. The moment that fact is forgotten becomes the moment the team is forgotten as well. Hillary is going to do what's best for Hillary. But she can only do this if you allow her to. Pennsylvania didn't ask for this assignment but regardless, on April 22nd it's theirs. Do you want to make a difference? Do you want to save the team in order to to save the country? Then carpe diem Pennsylvania.

By the way, when that phone does ring at 3AM, I want it answered in less than six rings by a trusted member of Team Obama. Not by some control freak in a pajama pantsuit and pearls. That last sentence is applicable to either Hillary or McCain. Vote on that why don't you...

Monday, March 3, 2008

If You Will Buy It, She Will Keep Selling It!


Much like in gambling, real property transactions or dating girls, someone is always armed and ready to take advantage of you like the sucker you are. Much like people forced by the courts to wear monitoring devices around their ankles, a much larger segment of society should be adjudicated to have "VICTIM" indelibly etched across their forehead. Everybody likes to laugh out loud about how merchants, car salesmen, service industry employees, clergy and politicians try to make buffoons of them, but the victims don't hear these perpetrators laughing out louder as they greedily line their pockets with your abundant gullibility. Politicians over the years have learned to convert certain defeat into certain victory by exploiting you, the clueless home voter. They simplistically do this by simplistically assuring people to provide high paying jobs, better schools, affordable health insurance, lower taxes and mostly safety for you and your sleeping children. This seems so damn simple, you wonder why these problems still even exist.

Ever since the public first became afflicted with the deadly pox known as Bush-Shot that initially reared its ugly head in the late 80's, this country has rapidly sunk deeper and deeper into a malaise that has mutated to where people have become so accustomed to the taste of stupidity, they keep going back for seconds. Even though political dirty tricks were not a novelty nearly 30 years ago, they had not sunk to the depths they were heading under republican strategist and mentor to a young Porky Pig lookalike Karl Rove, named Leroy "Lee" Atwater. This despicable excuse for a human being single handedly inducted himself into the political Hall of Shame during the 1980 congressional campaigns. He helped defeat a democrat for congress by exposing the fact the candidate had electroshock treatments as a 16 year old boy to combat thoughts of suicide. Atwater also helped George H.W. Bush defeat Michael Dukakis with the exploitive and racist Willie Horton ads. It was during this foray into the political abyss that Atwater befriended George W. Bush. Lil Bush was basically given the nepotistic assignment of spying for his daddy. What else could a 42 year old stupid, drunken, drug addicted failure and imbecile with a Yale undergraduate degree and MBA from Harvard do to earn a living on his own?

Junior was so impressed with Atwater's acumen as a despicable liar and manipulator of people and facts, he would become engaged to Karl Rove. Sadly, Lee Atwater would contract brain cancer and die two years after Daddy Bush took office. Atwater found religion and apologetically reached out to all he trashed in order to seek absolution before his death in 1991. No such epiphany for George W or Rove to date and I find it doubtful that day will ever come for either of these wastes of space. Bush will be shown the door in less than a year and Karl Rove is now a journalist in the proud tradition of Bill O'Reilly, Sean Hanity and the rest of the pied pipers of phlegm at the Right Wing Retardation Reich aka FOX News. Democrats have for the past 30 years tried to counter this dirt by taking the high road. Since 1976, only Bill Clinton has managed to do so. So when the going gets tough, the tough get copying. So Hillary Clinton and her 35 years of experience, ready to lead from day one and so on, is now throwing everything in the house including the house itself to see if anything will stick to that proverbial wall. In her latest hurl, Hillary has gone roving to Karl's play book and is trying to terrorize Americans with terrorism.

Yes sir, your kids are sleeping like angels at 3:00 AM eastern time when the phone rings. Not your phone mind you, but Hillary's phone in the White House. Hillary is ready in her fully decked out Victoria Secret negligee pantsuit waiting for the call. Hillary answers and finds out the terrorists are rolling into towns all over America. All the rolling has apparently made their ribs sore, but they're determined nonetheless. Hillary, clearly agitated, asks the person on the other end, "why do they always call me first?" She doesn't really mind but still, every time there's a terrorist at the door or at a debate, she invariably gets called on first. It seems a thin African-American man wearing a Kenyan costume along with a Si Se Pueda baseball cap and an African-American woman who has a less than proud look on her punim were seen around Capitol Hill. Well Commander Clinton, what do we do? "Um, let me ask Bill." The First Laddie, however, is nowhere to be found. Hillary finds a note on the front door. The note reads "I've been ready from day one to see that dark haired, pudgy intern in the blue dress. Don't wait up, this time I'll drop the dress off at the dry cleaner myself."

Hillary is too experienced to be angry this time. She can't just make a speech about taking her eyes off the balls and allowing the Arkansas Mongoose to escape its confinement to Bill now. She needs solutions, not speeches. She knew she was being delusional thinking the Little Rock Lothario would become Old Faithful. She needs to get real. After all, it's been Hillary's experience that even a smooth operator like Bill still has rough edges after 35 years of aint being nothing but a hound dog. What to do? Then it slaps her like a palm on the business end of a thong. Call Vice President Kucinich away from his quail hunting safari with former Vice President Cheney and let him make the decision. That's what you call leadership.....

Friday, February 29, 2008

Which One is Dumb? Which One is Dumber?

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I understand the motivational factors that propel people forward with nothing to lose. It's about freedom. As Kris Kristofferson wrote millions of years ago, "Freedom's just another word for nothin left to lose, And nothin aint worth nothin but its free." So with the essence of nothing having been clearly defined, we are now much more qualified to discuss what motivates the current political versions of yin and yang, Ralph Nader and Mike Huckabee. Two of the duller blades in the medicine cabinet of life both would lead you to believe that they should be President of the United States. When you think about it, why shouldn't they? Whereas this country may be lacking when it comes to natural resources, good jobs, affordable health care and quality education, it certainly can claim an abundance of riches when it comes to gun ownership, intolerance, misguided patriotism and lack of leadership. This has to at least partially explain why Nader and Huckabee's steadfast claims they should be president haven't entirely fallen on deaf ears.

I fully realize the doors to political Hades swung wide open in 2000 when the majority of the American electorate gave our dumbest, least qualified citizen the keys to the Oval Office. The U.S. will be paying for that catastrophe for many years to come. It's not enough, however, to say at least Nader and Huckabee are brighter than Bush. Hell, we all have flashlights loaded with three year old batteries that are brighter than Bush. You can't claim weeks of hard studying really paid off when you improve your test score in World Geography from 42% to 47%, just because you can now pinpoint China on a wall map. You still failed miserably, but at least you're smarter than the guy in the Fed Ex commercial who confused China with Greenland. Just try to remember, that was a comedic based commercial, you're theoretically in real life. Right now anybody who's considering voting for Huck or Ralphie Boy has to sit down, take a deep breath and ask yourself "what's wrong with me and why on earth am I even considering this?"

Andy Warhol many years ago claimed that as a result of our media driven obsession with the spotlight, every man, woman and child would eventually have his or her 15 minutes of fame. This seems sufficient for most people. I can think of a few things I would like to do to get me on the Colbert Report. With censorship still healthily thriving even on an opinion driven blog such as this, I'm going to limit my comments to the fact that what I'm specifically thinking may in fact need some strong editing. But getting back to Mike Hucklehead and Ralph Knucklehead, what you have is a 74 year old professional presidential candidate and his 52 year old understudy. Much like the annual emergence of the groundhogs, we have candidates who seemingly are prepared to crawl out of their burrows every four years to make a futile run for the presidency. Some would say, ask not what your country can do for you, but what can your country do for you to make money.

Once Senator Grandpa "My Friends" McCain mathematically nails down the republican nomination for president, what's Huck going to do with the rest of life? I mean once you've spent time before adoring crowds in Iowa, New Hampshire and South Carolina, how can you go back to the bright lights of Hooterville, Arkansas. As exciting as Saturday night dinner at the Rotary Club and a barbecued squirrel supper tailgate party at the Wal-mart may appear to most people, it just lacks the excitement of the campaign trail. These events are rife with speeches and the inevitable action news team interview. It pays better too. Much like Nader, the Hick from Hope will be very much in demand on the lecture circuit. Who wouldn't want to pay $150 for a plate of frozen chicken wings and lima beans and then for dessert, be regaled with stories from the road to the White House. If you're really lucky, Huck will do some Sunday preaching and then debunk Darwin's theories of evolution. Who needs Darwin when any Tom, Dick or Hucky will do?

Both perennials are fully cognizant of the fact they have no chance of winning, but any well paid job for current doers of nothing is more financially rewarding than the presidency. Don't take my word for it, ask George W Bush how hard it is to be the consummate screw up. Bush's 24/7 schedule would destroy the average man or woman. 24 hours per week and 7 months per year is a grueling pace for any mere mortal. However, Americans catch on eventually. Why let Mike and Ralph sop up all the failed candidate gravy. You too in the privacy of your own home can learn to turn failure into big bucks. For the low, low price of $249.99 plus shipping and handling, you will receive the home version of How to be a Loser. Act like an idiot, ignore science, ignore reality, branch out from being a local embarrassment to a national one. Give speeches, 1001 jokes to tell yourself while you laugh all the way to the bank. The possibilities are endless. So who's the real dumb one, Veritas? I'm going to saute me some squirrel drumsticks and spam in sausage gravy right now and have to get back to you on that one. In the interim, anybody want to hire me to make a speech? Anybody? Anybody at all....

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Would You Like a Pillow With Your Whine?

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The 20th and mercifully final democratic debate concluded Tuesday evening in Cleveland, Ohio. Whoever coined the phrase "enough is enough" must have envisioned just such a self-replicating event as the latest 90 minute battle for the hearts and minds of democratic voters everywhere. I unapologetically am not neutral and fervently support Barack Obama. I feel more and more certain of my position every time I see the two of them sharing a stage. Senator Obama comes across as in command, thoughtful, worthy of respect and absent of the pettiness attributed to losers everywhere. Hillary on the other hand is shrill, a phony, egocentric and the very definition of petty. I watched some of Tuesday's debate and was sickened by the Princess of Pantsuits from the beginning. Hillary is afflicted with a malady known as "Birthright Interuptus." She carefully plotted her course from Capitol Hill to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Nothing or Nobody would dare try to stop her. She thought of everything. God himself appeared before her to tap her shoulder and anoint her as his co-president. The man with countless millions of followers, the original inspirational orator, he of the flowing white hair, the father who loved all people, the thick Arkansas drawl, the philanderer-in-chief and blessed with the only ego larger than Hillary. Ladies and Gentlemen, allow me to introduce the man we call God, William Jefferson Almighty Clinton.

Great concept, captivating story, mesmerizing plot, stunning ending. Next Tuesday, this long, contentious campaign should come to an end. Anything can happen and it always does, but for Hillary to become the democratic nominee, a political version of football's Hail Mary pass would need to be repeatedly completed. For the sake of the democratic party and everybody who agrees we need a breath of fresh air, let us pray it doesn't. After enduring eight years of the stench of the rotting Bush administration, here's hoping the voters in Ohio and Texas cut through all the bull feces and choose wisely this time.

I was so disgusted watching an adult who aspires to be the first female president, acting like a petty, spoiled child taking the low road when the high road was so free of traffic. How many past serious candidates for president ever parroted a biased, unfunny Saturday Night Live skit as the model for the principles debates should adhere to? Tina Fey, who believes herself to be the funniest woman she knows, lampooned every objective news reporting outlet working today simply because they haven't bent over and moistened Hillary's female derriere like she has. I have no problem with any SNL skit. That's because I'm not under any obligation to watch it. But when presidential candidate and US Senator Hillary Clinton cites specific dialog from the program to complain of her perceived mistreatment, the viewers are left to roll their eyes, shake their heads and wonder if all that polyester hasn't caused an interruption in oxygen flow to her brain.

Then Hillary did something I haven't taken part in since elementary school. She whined like a spoiled child to moderator Tim Russert as to whyyyyy she always has to go first. Research showed that prior to the last debate, Hillary was asked the first question five times in the last nine debates. 55% does not constitute all. But if she was asked the second question, I'm positive she would have whined about that too. Whiners are bottom feeders. Winners rise to the top. Another unattractive trait of Ms. Clinton is the incessant need to always have to get the last word in, to mock her opponent and his supporters with her fake makeup cracking smile and then take credit for everything good and treat every failure as if it were a leper.

She also lies like a discounted Wal-Mart toupee by claiming she's working on getting her tax returns and archived papers released. I will bet my liver those returns or papers will never see the light of day until after her "ready to lead from day one" ass is planted in the oval office. The funny thing is, not one person believes that material would still be stashed away if it painted her in a remotely positive light. She'd be handing them out herself along with thousands of dollars worth of donuts she and her staff are wolfing down at a record pace. Everybody has heard the old cliche how "you can't have it both ways." Well, apparently everybody but Hillary. Sometimes you have to take the bad with the good, unless you're Hillary. Senator Clinton in a matter of two months has gone from the "can't lose to can't win kid candidate." She was very gracious when she simply couldn't come up with one scenario in a million she could lose. My oh my has that pronouncement taken a 180 degree turn. Her head was held high above the fray as she discussed ideas as opposed to which candidate goes first. She cited ambitious ideas whereas now she cites favorable Saturday Night Live skit lines.

If she chooses to do that, she might want to watch an old clip of another SNL broadcast. The late John Belushi's "the thing that wouldn't leave" skit. Belushi portrayed a kind of sad, boring party guest who stayed too long after a houseparty ended. The hosts did everything possible to convince him to leave without overtly coming out and being rude. But Belushi just couldn't take a hint. It was time to go, but he just wouldn't leave. Hillary, don't be that Belushi character. You be classy just like San Diego. You walk away with your head held high, your dignity in tact and with the determination to live to fight another day. Isn't that better than the shrill, shrewish fingernail scraping on the blackboard whiner that has to be muffled by a commemorative Saturday Night Live pillow? Oh, I almost forgot, PLEASE take Bill with you.....

Monday, February 25, 2008

Analysis Starts With ANAL For a Reason!!


Analysis, Speculation and Opinion is the electronic and journalistic equivalent of the fictionalized law firm of Dewey, Cheatem and Howe. Talking heads on your television analyze far more than explain. They speculate far more than they substantiate. They opine far more than they report. Welcome to the 21st century wide world of broadcast news. 24 hour nonstop daily news coverage is now more about filling time with enquirer like fluff than filling minds with straightforward professional news. It seems more the rule than the exception nowadays that if you see a round table of self appointed experts discussing the major issues of the day, those particular issues are neither major or even issues for that matter. They're the kind of nonsensical gossip, amateur psychobabble and high school like theories about whether or not the biology teacher, Mr. Catania, is dying his hair. Has television journalism been trivialized from breaking views to faking news? Just this past week illustrates a few of my suppositions.

The first major bone of contention of the week was rampant speculation regarding whether or not Hillary was going to bare her "ready to lead from day one" fangs and plunge them into Barack Obama's jugular vein on Thursday night's 19th presidential debate held in Austin, Texas and televised worldwide on CNN. Firstly, how much can you really learn about candidates after they've squared off a mere 18 times in the past few months? If you have 19 or 20, then and only then does it become definitive. These pundits do after all insist the candidates supply them with enough trivial gossip to run for at least three news cycles. After repeated analysis, speculation and opinions, it turns out none of the pre-game hype regarding a bare knuckled, bare chested bar fight was going down. Hillary placated her base by half heartedly pawing Obama with the impotent plagiarism and inexperience references and was audibly smacked down both times. Hillary looked like an old, frustrated and resigned runner up candidate with a big xeroxed X stamped squarely across her face. Out with the old and in with the new. In her closing statement, only she and her handlers knew if she was working the pity party ploy or preparing for inevitable defeat. Thank God the talking heads were at their battle stations ready to offer their unique brand of canned blather for we, the masses.

Last week also saw the New York Times submit news that doesn't appear fit to be printed regarding Senator Johnny Mac. Where it's true that John "my friends" McCain has more lobbyists on his payroll than Major League Baseball has steroid and human growth hormone users on theirs, they failed to demonstrably support their claim that Old Mac was trading senatorial influence for sexual gratification. The first thing they teach you in law school is that any living person can accuse any other living person of any act as long as he or she can back it up with a little something called corroborating evidence. The Times thus far has been unable to do so but the analysts are diving in both head and feet first. You think he did it? I don't know, do you? I don't know, maybe. He was tortured. I know, his wife scares me too, I think she's an ice sculpture. No, not her you idiot, he was shot down in Vietnam. Oh yeah, I forgot. I hadn't heard him mention that in almost 24 hours. Wait, I thought he was America's mayor. You nitwit, that's Booty Fooliani from the island of "nine - one - one". Whatever happened to him? I think he's a condo president in Del Boca Vista. Enough already. We get the point.

Now we're almost ready for another debate between Hillary and her daddy, Barack Obama. All day Monday and Tuesday, team Anal will speculate and opine about last weeks debate while preparing for number 20 Tuesday evening. The same basic analysis will be revived that was beaten to death just last week. They will spoon it out and you are prepared to come back for seconds. Not this sophisticated man of the world. I'm going to analyze the news myself. I'm every bit as sharp as the guys and gals on cable news. The only difference is they wear more makeup than I do. I am going to sit down and figure this thing out for myself. As compelling as Wolf Blitzer and Chris Matthews are, I have something they don't. I have honesty. I don't have any sponsors, bosses, National Organizations of Women, Rifle Owners, Evangelicals or Clintons to worry about. I can say NOW causes significantly more negatives than positives for chicks. See, I just said chicks instead of sweeties or babydolls. If Matthews says that, he'll be bitch slapped and pimped off to Idaho to cover public bathroom dwellers with wide stances. I can say 99% of second amendment proponents are ill informed morons who substitute their big guns for their small penises. I can call Evangelicals dumbellicals and do often. In fact, I just did it again right now. I keep my anal equipment in my pants where it belongs. The Cable News Teams wear their anals on their sleeves. Never forget, a good anal should rarely ever be seen and definitely never be heard........

Friday, February 22, 2008

Sex, Drugs, Politics & more Sexxxxxxxxxxx!

Photobucket Photobucket

Repeat after me, SEX! Wow, we've just said a mouthful so to speak. When the sex word is even hinted at nowadays, so many seemingly normal people morph into their grandmother and need a big swig of farm fresh warm milk. Whenever I hear people generalize and talk about how come the leading country in the world can't manage to come up with more desirable candidates than Mitt Romney, Mike Huckabee and George W. Bush, just to name a very few, I just shake my head and laugh out loud. I happen to know the problem revolves around the fact that it's becoming increasingly difficult to find real human beings who've led exemplary if not perfect lives. If you're a middle aged man or woman and announce you're running for the presidency of the United States of America, your closet is about to ripped open, closely scrutinized and vetted within an inch of its life. Barack Obama found out earlier this year, that not even his ambitions and philosophies of life as a kindergarten student were exempt from deep probing and careful analysis. I myself as a kindergarten student once threw a kid's baseball cap in the toilet during a truculent dispute outside of the boy's bathroom. This momentary lapse of judgment and subsequent tortious act of personal property destruction virtually assured any future political aspirations I may have had were literally flushed along with poor Bobby's hat.

Fortunately my youthful indiscretions including premarital golf course sex, underage drinking and inhalation of marijuana cigarettes didn't take place until my decadent teen years. The fact I'm admitting to all this on such a highly regarded internet based forum such as Breaking Views has sunk any possible presidential plans for myself much like that North Atlantic iceberg did to the Titanic nearly a century ago. You can't be an aggressive five year old anymore than you can be a horny fifteen year old and think you have a political future once your Pandora's Box contents are strewn all over CNN, MSNBC and Fox Noise. Speaking of the Moe, Larry and Curly of cable news outlets, all three are in an absolute dither over a published New York Times front page article that absent of corroboration, alleges that the republican, great grandfatherly, presumptive nominee for president, John McCain, may have possibly had an "inappropriate" relationship with a female lobbyist more than 30 years his junior back in 2000. I sincerely hope the article turns out to be untrue. Don't get me wrong, I'm in no way a fan or supporter of the jowled septuagenarian from Arizona. But the mere thought of this guy who looks 100 yet comes across as much older when he speaks, having sex with anybody gives me a chill that I thought global warming would no longer permit.

As far as I'm concerned, the only candidates that made a legitimate bid for the White House that displayed any real human qualities were John Edwards and Barack Obama. Despite all the probing and examining by news outlets and political rivals, no sex scandals have been produced to date. Edwards was mostly raked over the political coals because he paid $400 for a haircut while championing the rights of poor people. Unfortunately it's true that a great many hard working Americans toil 40 hours per week for less than the cost of an Edwards trip to the salon, but so what. Even Bill Gates and Warren Buffet combined couldn't provide every man, woman and child living below the poverty line with $400 and not wind up there themselves. If Edwards runs again in the future, I would advise him to go to a barber college or get his head shaved clean. Perhaps he could just announce he smoked a joint or perused a Hustler Magazine back in the 80's to offset his compulsive, obsessive tonsorial desires. Soon to be President Obama apparently smoked some joints and even snorted cocaine more than 30 years ago as a teenager. Oh my God, the one teen in US History that didn't say NO to drugs now has the audacity to be our president as well as to hope? I'm feeling faint. I need a shot of vodka and a cupcake. Why do so many Americans believe with such zeal and fervor that they can do anything they want, but that you and I can't? To paraphrase Tom Hanks as Jimmy Dugan, There's no hypocrisy in baseball, just in real life it would seem.

Why do people hold others to higher standards than they hold themselves? I remember reading about a big, fat, former Illinois Congressman named Henry Hyde. This republican sack of excrement was one of the most vocal proponents for impeachment of Bill Clinton during the 90's. He cited morality so vociferously and often, somebody finally decided to more closely inspect the life of the obese Illinois Jesus. That's right, Congressman Morality orchestrated and carried on in a four year extramarital affair in the swinging 60's. When the news became public that the patriotic congressman with the RED face, WHITE hair, and BLUE testicles had a four year sex affair without his wife's input or knowledge, Hyde simply dismissed the incident by claiming it was merely a "youthful indiscretion". Yeah ok Sonny. The affair took place when Hyde ranged in age from 41 to 45. In other words, barely out of the womb. I could list hypocritical weasels for years here and never run short on material. But that's really not the point, however. The point is that in life as in politics. you get what you pay for.

Do you really want simplistic robots that lead lives so squeaky clean and virtuous, that they're not even human? Do you want a game show host looking, varmint hunting, flip flopper with magic underwear who was named after a piece of baseball equipment singing I Feel Pretty, Oh So Pretty while your country continues downward on the express elevator to the abyss? I mean why not build a colony on Mars and start growing and raising future candidates free of sex, drugs, rock 'n roll or any human qualities whatsoever for that matter? Do you want a person that's actually lived his or her life or somebody that appears to be hooked up and manipulated through an xbox controller? (ie. Laura Bush, Cindy McCain and any republican who claims to be of higher moral fiber than you are) Just try to remember that if you prefer your candidates to be the laboratory grown, absent of human qualities type, they need constant fertilization. When I look at the bulk of today's political landscape, I don't see very many real humans, but sadly, I do see many examples of human fertilizer....

Thursday, February 21, 2008

If a Loser Gave a Speech & Nobody Heard It


Did the speech make a sound? I'm now prepared to officially declare the Classless Contessa of Polyester Pantsuits the winner of the silver medal in the 2008 democratic nomination for President of the United States. She will play Ed McMahon to Barack Obama's Johnny Carson. She will be the bridesmaid to the bride. She will be the Karl Rove to George W. Bush. She will be the George W. Bush to Dick Cheney. She will be the every cliche number two to the every cliche number one. It's time to stick a fork in the toast, because the toast is the second banana. The 2008 World Series and Superbowl of politics is all set to be played and Hillary has been dispatched to the presidential penalty box along with Romney, Giuliani, Edwards, Kucinch, et al. No presidential soup for you Hillary. No brass ring. No big enchilada. No new china patterns selected by First Laddie, hillBILLy Clinton. It's all over but the shouting. So the question we're left to ask is: What exactly do you plan on shouting and just how long do you plan on shouting it?

The symbolic presidential coffin of Hillary Clinton still has room for a few more nails after Tuesday night's primaries in Wisconsin and Hawaii. But those limited spots should vanish after voters in Texas and Ohio have their say on March 4th. Obama, by virtue of ten straight primary victories, has taken a commanding 1,168 - 1,018 lead in locked in, committed pledged delegates. The borderline corrupt third world like process of uncommitted superdelegates right now favors Hillary by a 282 - 216 margin. So overall Obama leads Clinton by a count of 1,384 - 1,300. A total of 2,025 delegates are needed to clinch the nomination. When push comes to shove, I have to believe in an election process as transparent as this one is, no major political party would dare undermine the will of the people and allow 795 smoked up and back room hotshots to usurp the will of millions of primary voters and caucus attendees. I believe such an act would destroy the democratic party and in effect set up a monarchy for the republicans.

So with Texas and Ohio finding themselves as the potential decisive battlefields remaining, what will Team Hillary do should they be defeated in both primaries less than two weeks from now? They could ignore reality and continue with their deceitful stratagem of spinning and cooking the books to make it appear that Obama is not even close to officially sewing up the nomination or they could stall and delay by claiming they can win the last big state of Pennsylvania on April 22nd. They could also rehash how they won primary contests that never officially even took place in Michigan and Florida. I'm convinced election officials in Florida become hopelessly confused and borderline encephalopathic when they must count more than one vote. The bottom line is now and shall remain, that due to the nature of States proportionally designating delegates, Hillary would have to win the rest of the available states by a minimum of a two to one margin. That would seem an impossible task for a candidate that has been electorally trounced in ten consecutive primaries and caucuses since Super Tuesday.

Depending on your personal point of view, you have to either marvel at Hillary's chutzpah, derisively shake your head and roll your eyes in mock laughter, or maybe even feel a certain empathy for this woman who was conducting a detailed inventory of her chickens during the initial egg stage. The more she loses, the more she claims victory. The wider the margins of those defeats, the more elaborate the excuses become. The more occurrences where gracious humility is called for, the more maliciously negative her rhetoric becomes. If this campaign were a boxing match, any decent human would be urging the referee to step in and stop the battle before irreparable brain damage were to take place to a virtually defenseless combatant.

Tuesday night, just moments after the polls closed in Wisconsin, all the major news organizations rushed to proclaim Barack Obama the official winner over Hillary Clinton as he rolled to his ninth straight victory. Protocol dictates the loser come before the cameras first and graciously congratulate the victor on their hard earned win and if feasible, announce your plans for the next battle ahead. Not our Hillary, however. Her staff managed to assemble a cheering throng of supporters to feverishly whoop it up for her as Hillary awkwardly smiled like a bad actress showing glee. She also applauded the supporters as she rhythmically pointed into the crowd as if she's identifying a potential felon in a police lineup. She then looks to the camera and makes her canned stump speech about how great things are, comments completely devoid of reality.

Much to their credit,Team Obama finally had enough. Less than ten minutes into her delusional rantings, Senator Obama took a different stage in a different state to offer an actual interpretation of reality. A truthful one in fact. All the news networks immediately cut to Obama, leaving Hillary all alone with zero media coverage congratulating herself as she rehashed the ready from day one crap, the 35 years of experience bit, and the assorted so on and on and on and on pablum. But this time nobody heard her because all eyes and ears were focused on Senator Obama. So, much like the age old question of whether a tree falling in the woods make a sound if nobody hears it, did anybody wonder how another loss translates into another victory if nobody heard it? If I were you, I wouldn't worry. Hillary, I'm sure, will make the same speech on March 4th. I would much rather sit in the woods, however, and listen for the proverbial tree to fall. Even if I hear nothing at all, it will be significantly more worthwhile than anything I hear from Hillary......

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

If America Grows Up, The Pols Will Follow!


I'm sure we all remember how as children we lacked the necessary mental acuities to settle our disputes with reasonable dialog that would ultimately lead to a resolute compromise. We often instead settled our philosophical differences by taking part in a slap fight or by spewing a barrage of well thought out names such as butt-face and duty-head. Now that we've grown up into educated, intellectually minded adults, we have graduated to names such as liberal and unpatriotic. The truest truism I ever heard was that intelligent people talk about ideas whereas stupid people talk about other people. You owe it to your country, the world community you're supposed to be a leader of and the billions of people affected by United States policies to think as an intelligent individual, rather than that of a spokesperson for a narrow minded constituency. We the People was meant to be inclusive for all people. When a serious candidate for president of all the people warns a segment of people that they are in grave danger if his opponent is elected, he must abdicate his role as a leader and instead declare his role as an advocate.

I once remember watching a movie called The American President. Michael Douglas portrayed a widowed, liberal president named Andrew Shepherd who was preparing for his re-election campaign against an ultra conservative nominee named Senator Bob Rumson. The senator portrayed by Richard Dreyfuss was willing to viciously attack a president with strong anti-conservative views and even drag his liberal leaning girlfriend into the mix. It seemed the girlfriend, Sydney Ellen Wade played by Annette Benning, once burned an American Flag during a protest rally. Her character posed a most interesting question in the context of the film when she asked the president: "How do you have patience for people who claim they love America, but clearly can't stand Americans?" I've never been able to reconcile that question either. How can a person who clearly represents a loathing of large segments of people that don't share their views on one hand, claim they want to be their president and lead them as well? How does a presidential nominee claim his opponent will in affect commit treason and cowardly relinquish our independence to a comparative handful of zealot terrorists halfway around the world?

In The American President, the fictitious Andrew Shepherd wondered the same and gave what I thought to be a most brilliant response when he said: "For the last couple of months, Senator Rumson has suggested that being president of this country was, to a certain extent, about character, and although I have not been willing to engage in his attacks on me, I've been here three years and three days, and I can tell you without hesitation: Being President of this country is entirely about character. For the record: yes, I am a card-carrying member of the ACLU. But the more important question is why aren't you, Bob? Now, this is an organization whose sole purpose is to defend the Bill of Rights, so it naturally begs the question: Why would a senator, his party's most powerful spokesman and a candidate for President, choose to reject upholding the Constitution? If you can answer that question, folks, then you're smarter than I am, because I didn't understand it until a few hours ago. America isn't easy. America is advanced citizenship. You gotta want it bad, 'cause it's gonna put up a fight. It's gonna say "You want free speech? Let's see you acknowledge a man whose words make your blood boil, who's standing center stage and advocating at the top of his lungs that which you would spend a lifetime opposing at the top of yours. You want to claim this land as the land of the free? Then the symbol of your country can't just be a flag; the symbol also has to be one of its citizens exercising his right to burn that flag in protest. Show me that, defend that, celebrate that in your classrooms. Then, you can stand up and sing about the "land of the free". I've known Bob Rumson for years, and I've been operating under the assumption that the reason Bob devotes so much time and energy to shouting at the rain was that he simply didn't get it. Well, I was wrong. Bob's problem isn't that he doesn't get it. Bob's problem is that he can't sell it! We have serious problems to solve, and we need serious people to solve them. And whatever your particular problem is, I promise you, Bob Rumson is not the least bit interested in solving it. He is interested in two things and two things only: making you afraid of it and telling you who's to blame for it. That, ladies and gentlemen, is how you win elections. You gather a group of middle-aged, middle-class, middle-income voters who remember with longing an easier time, and you talk to them about family and American values and character. And wave an old photo of the President's girlfriend and you scream about patriotism and you tell them, she's to blame for their lot in life, and you go on television and you call her a whore. Sydney Ellen Wade has done nothing to you, Bob. She has done nothing but put herself through school, represent the interests of public school teachers, and lobby for the safety of our natural resources. You want a character debate, Bob? You better stick with me, 'cause Sydney Ellen Wade is way out of your league."

You have to remind yourself that this is dialog from a movie and not real. If the only way you can be elected President of the United States is by name calling, making differences of opinions into litmus tests of patriotism, misrepresenting your opponent's positions and by creating and provoking an environment that pits one segment of America against another, you're not about uniting this country for the good of all. You're about fracturing the country for the good of yourself. You're not a president in the mold of Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln and FDR. You're a dictator in the mold of Hitler, Stalin, bin Laden and George W. Bush. A football coach once in addressing our team said that we only win as individuals when the the team wins as a whole. When you hate your neighbors like you hate your enemies, you may win that battle, but ultimately lose the war. Nobody likes to lose, but if the only way you can win is to hate your opponent more than your opponent hates you; you're a loser. Right now, we have one candidate that's talking about inclusion. That candidate has my vote. That candidate is Barack Obama.......

Monday, February 18, 2008

2nd Amendment - Right to Shoot Mouth Off!


Guns, Sex, Rock n Roll and Jesus. Wouldn't that make a much better greeting from Lady Liberty than that tired old "Give us your poor, your tired, your huddled masses longing to be free" crap? Seeing as most immigrants nowadays enter the United States over, under and through fences protecting our sovereign border with Mexico anyway, what possible difference could it make. It seems that the once most recognizable symbol of freedom the world over is little more than a prime target for explosives carrying terrorists these days. Fortunately for us, however, we are a civilized nation of 300 million patriots, ready to defend the Ellis Island landmark at the drop of a hat. We certainly have the capability to do so, because we're also a nation that has 280 million guns in circulation. That's right Tex. Give us your hand guns, your shotguns, your automatic rifles, your rocket propelled grenade launchers, your bazookas longing to kill and maim. That's not exactly true, however. People aren't giving anybody their guns. In fact, they're buying more guns at a rate higher than babies are being born. The United States will soon have more guns than it does citizens. Doesn't that make you feel blissfully safe and secure in your home with your spouse, 2.4 children and five deadbolt locks on every door?

How much hypocrisy is required to refer to yourself as a pillar of morality, a God fearing humble Christian, a protector of the unborn and a guy with enough guns and ammunition to invade and capture Guam? We have something in this country much better than hypocrisy, we have the second amendment to the Constitution. You constitutional scholars are very familiar with this addition to the US Constitution ratified in 1791, that states as follows:
“A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed." Simply put, I can own me all the guns I wants. People who couldn't tell you the difference between the constitution and prostitution (ie. George W. Bush) know all they need to know. They have the constitutionally protected and guaranteed right to hunt varmints armed only with their wits, an uzi and a six pack of colt 45 malt liquor. Some people even believe they can go to a local high school or college campus and randomly shoot students and faculty in the head with their legally purchased guns.

The latest but certainly not the last example of this expression of freedom took place on Valentines Day at Northern Illinois University. This is the academic home to 25,000 students in DeKalb, Illinois about 65 miles west of Chicago. It seems a former student dressed in black opened fire with a shotgun and two handguns from the stage of a lecture hall killing five students and injuring 16 others before committing suicide, authorities said. The gunman, Steven Kazmierczak, 27, a one-time undergraduate and award-winning sociology graduate student at NIU, was "revered by faculty and staff," and gave "no indication that this was the type of person who would engage in this activity," said campus Police Chief Donald Grady. Kazmierczak, dressed in black, was armed with three handguns and a shotgun, as students took cover beneath desks and ran out of the lecture hall. He was later found dead from a self-inflicted gunshot wound, police said. Kazmierczak bought two weapons Saturday — a Remington 12-gauge shotgun and a 9 mm Glock pistol — at a gun store in Champaign, Ill. From the same firearms dealer, he obtained a Hi Point 380 pistol on Dec. 30, 2007 and an SIG Sauer 9 mm pistol on Aug. 6, 2007. Kazmierczak had no police record, allowing him to qualify to buy the guns under the state's gun laws, sources said. I'm sure the fact all four weapons were purchased legally are of great comfort to the victims' families and friends.

Now comes the classic NRA argument that guns don't kill people, people kill people. Call me an anarchist, but I don't think this psychotic punk from Illinois, or that sick bastard at Virginia Tech, the Columbine High School misfits or too many to count other senseless murders would have taken place at all if the killers were not heavily armed with legally purchased, second amendment protected guns. These guys had more actual weapons than Saddam had weapons of mass destruction. But as one time NRA President and current Alzheimer victim Charlton Heston said after a five year old boy shot a five year old girl to death, "From my cold dead hands." That was the only way you could take his gun away from him. His sanity went with much less of a fight it would seem. Chuck uttered that immortal line at a pro gun rally in the home town of the five year old girl days after she was shot and buried. The first amendment protected that moment of mass stupidity as well.

What really can you say? You can say Americans love guns so much so in fact, they would kill anybody trying to legally challenge their rights as gun owners. Truth be told, most gun owners would wet their pants and shoot off their own toes before they gun down a "perp" invading their castle. But lack of toes are a minor inconvenience when balanced by the right to bear arms. More murders are committed in the USA every year than all civilized countries worldwide combined. The authors of the constitution realized this was a brand spanking new country. The citizens needed to protect themselves from foreign aggressors out of necessity rather than the need to feel macho. They needed to hunt for food, not for bragging rights and beer. They were fighting for their very survival, not at students attending a lecture in Dekalb, Illinois or Blacksburg, Virginia. Guns don't kill people? Yeah they do. Nobody enters a lecture hall to kill and wound dozens of people armed only with their wits. Vice Presidents don't chicken out of going to war because of the fear of getting shot, then mistaking a 78 year old man for a small bird with a slingshot. Nobody breaks into your house and rips your gun from your shaking hand and shoots you dead for $20 in cash and a gold necklace without having a gun.

This weekend, I bet gun shops did big business selling more guns to more people to protect more second amendment rights. You want to protect yourself from being shot? Get rid of your guns. Then you can sit back and laugh at all the tough guys shooting off their mouths instead of you going to the emergency room having to explain how you shot off your toes....

Friday, February 15, 2008

Let's All Get Together and Observe This!!!

peeping tom

I overwhelmingly agree with the modern day John Bartlett of Bartlett's Quotations fame, Yogi Berra, who once profoundly stated, "You can observe a lot by just watching." The Yogi sure said a mouthful with that one. I believe the deeper you look into a person, the shallower they appear. The Chinese have designated 2008 as the Year of the Rat. I am satisfied with that but would be equally happy dubbing 2008 as the Year of the Weasel. Try and imagine we are still nearly nine months away from voting for the man, antediluvian or pantsuit that will become our 44th president and lead the free world for at least the next four years. The more you watch and listen to some of these politicians, the less you retain. But some of their rhetoric is so pathetic, so hypocritical and so self serving you don't know whether to vomit or hysterically laugh. While you're either deciding or performing one or both of the aforementioned options, feel free to read on.

Senator John McCain, the soon to be official republican nominee, is a straight shooter, a maverick, a moderate, a conservative, a whatever will get him a vote and a partridge in a pear tree. He became the republican nominee by beating a man he clearly loathes named Willard "Mitt" Romney. Willard the CEO and Mitt the candidate decided paying over $1 million per pledged delegate was not cost effective. His kids were afraid their depleted inheritance might force them to drive a greyhound bus instead of daddy's campaign bus. But the one positive in this cesspool of politics 101 was the fact that Johnny Mac and MittFlop loved each other about as much a suede blazer loves sleet. But there they were together on the same stage pledging their eternal love for one another while Mitt was endorsing McCain for president. I was waiting for the two of them to walk off the stage hand in hand, french kissing one another to the theme of Love Story playing softly in the background.

Speaking of hypocritical hand puppets, that leads us to Gomer and Goober's inbred cousin, Mike Huckabee. The Huckmeister lived up to his nickname today by taking a day off from his moronic yet futile presidential bid for his republican nomination by making an important policy speech in the Cayman Islands. Did I write the Cayman Islands? Oh my God, I did. I understand the wealthy caribbean nation rarely gets to see let alone hear a genuine current doofus and former Arkansas Governor give a speech, but that all changed today. Huck was paid in real currency to address a group of young Cayman professionals today. Professional whats? Doctors, Lawyers, Wrestlers or Sausage Stuffers? The entire concept is mind boggling. Huckabee defended himself by saying the reason he did this was because as a taxpayer, he was in effect paying Senators Obama, Clinton, and McCain's salaries as they were gallivanting across the country campaigning for the very job he wanted. Where I agree that America is heading towards hell in a handbasket, we're not there yet, so Huckabee should stick to giving foreign soil speeches. I understand his next speech is tentatively scheduled for Mississippi where he will discuss the practicality of inbreeding and 1001 ways to have fun with squirrels before eating them.

Did somebody say squirrels? Hillary Clinton, come on down. You're our next contestant on Oy Vey, Check Please. Hillary and team Clinton are no longer touting she's ready on day one to lead. She's no longer battle tested and tough. She's no longer the candidate with 35 years of experience and she's not going to cry no matter how mean everybody in the world is to her. She now is the SOLUTION candidate. I mean really, she can speechify as good as Obama if she wanted to. She could inspire generations of people voting for the first time if she wanted to. She could remind people of JFK if she wanted to. Hell, she could change the tired old ways of the past if she wanted to. But she doesn't want to. She's the SOLUTION candidate. You got a problem. Hillary got a solution. You got bills, Hillary got a solution. You being foreclosed, Hillary will give you a solution. You have a solution, Hillary has a solution for that too. Ladies and Gentlemen, we are a country of 300 million people. If McCain, Huckabee and Clinton are vying , we will be dying. I couldn't resist the rhyme, forgive me.

But seriously folks, 20 straight years of Bushes and Clintons and you want to sign on for eight more years? That's not solution, that's pollution. Barack Obama may not be perfect but the other choices aren't either. Nobody running has experience as president. But at least Obama offers a fresh start, fresh hope, fresh ideas and fresh air. Old people with experience think they know everything. They think because they support a political party, they are qualified to lead all the people. If that's the case, they're not thinking at all. They're supporting only themselves. If that's all you want, that's all you'll get. You have to want more to get more. I want the best. I want Barack Obama.....

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Hillary is Betting YOUR Future on Herself!


Hillary Clinton is betting her political future that you're an idiot. She's betting that I'm an idiot as well. She's helplessly standing by watching her once inevitable coronation disintegrate into a resounding defeat. There's little to be learned from watching a person display grace and class while the adoring masses ceremoniously anoint you with champagne, rose petals and beaming smiles. You can only see the true soul of a person when they've engaged their opponent on equal turf and relinquished their sword to the victor in a symbolic show of defeat. Whereas, there's no shame in acknowledging defeat after putting forth your best effort, there's an abundance of dishonor and disgrace when you assign blame in every direction, except from within.

I'll always remember the closing line from a movie about the late football player Brian Piccolo. The Chicago Bear running back died in 1970 at the age of 26 from cancer. He was seemingly a devoted husband, father and teammate to all he played with. In the movie aptly titled Brian's Song, Piccolo displayed unlimited courage in how hard he fought to make the Bear roster as a long shot prospect out of college and ultimately how he dealt with the disease that he knew would soon kill him. As you watched the closing scene of the movie, a narrator urged viewers not to remember how Brian Piccolo died, but instead how he lived. I don't ever want to forget that line because the meaning behind it is so applicable in how we as humans can approach both our successes and failures. Maybe Hillary Clinton needs an infusion of that same humility and responsibility as she reflects on the way her very own "song" is presently being played.

It never passes muster when you hear an individual in a team environment exalt in victory by proclaiming "I won," and later using that same analysis to lament in defeat by moaning "we lost." Sticking with that philosophy, Team Clinton was soundly routed in three more contests last evening. Maryland, Virginia and Washington D.C. voters overwhelmingly voted for Barack Obama ranging from nearly two to one to three to one margins. The only thing close about these primaries were the proximity of all three locales to the Potomac River and Chesapeake Bay. As is her usual practice, when the polling indicates her staff caused more one sided losses, she can't get to an airport soon enough to clandestinely skulk out of town to the next state that she plans to win on her own.

Team Clinton saw its ranks shrunk by two top staff members this week. Campaign manager Patti Solis Doyle and deputy campaign manger Mike Henry both "resigned" this week. They reigned? Let's be honest, they were fired like a gun at a shooting range. The white campaign manager was replaced by an African-American woman. A little late in the game to be playing the race card yet again. Hillary's caricature of a devoted and loyal husband already tried another version of that same card and was soundly body slammed for it. It's late in the third quarter. These cheap stunts of choreographing staff to fall on your sword are both ineffective and tawdry. Hillary needs to stop looking in every direction on the compass for people to blame and instead take a hard look at herself in the mirror. Stop claiming you're battle tested and tough one day and then sob like a school girl the next. Stop pimping your 28 year old plastic covered and porcelain daughter by having her cold call super delegates on your behalf and then excoriate the media for speaking of it. Stop citing the same tired "I have 35 years of experience and will be ready to lead on day one" and then refuse to list your tax returns or your personal papers under lock and key in your own husband's presidential library in Arkansas.

Presidential candidates must now think they exist only to accept personal gratitude and credit for successes. Failures are a result of everybody else. George W. Bush has taken this scenario to an artform only because he's a classically trained American idiot. You can never reason with an idiot or a drunk because they're either too mentally impaired or too stupid to comprehend what you're talking about. Bush, who excels in both categories, has that unique advantage that sober intellects can't compete with. Presidential campaigns are about laying out your vision for the coming four years. You can expound on this vision with bumper sticker slogans all you want, but mostly you need to give people a genuine reason to hope things will be better tomorrow than they are today. 35 years of "unexplained experience." Ready to lead, ready to lead what on day one and the self theorizing nonsense you're a battle tested commander-in-chief, are merely unsubstantiated slogans. Hillary is betting you are willing to act as the white bread to her gravy and just sop it up, eat it up and then shut it up. No I can't. I'm not about to bet my future on empty slogans from the past. I, instead, would rather bet my future on the hopes and dreams that Barack Obama offers, than risk them on the failures and nightmares that Hillary Clinton guarantees....

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Worms Have More Backbone than MSNBC!


MSNBC, or more accurately the Major Spineless division of NBC News, has struck yet again. Not with an iron fist, but with a silk swipe of their pink velvet gloves by indefinitely suspending one of their, if not finest, reporters David Shuster, late last week. MSNBC has once again adopted the philosophy that when you consistently place third in a three pony race, it is more advantageous to lose with your nose firmly planted in the posterior of number two, than believing in and supporting your people to stand tall and tell the truth. The suspension of Shuster once again demonstrates how gutless appeasement and capitulation trump courage and support in how MSNBC backs their on air personnel. Shuster is just the latest example of how a pathetic cable news outlet places more stock in political correctness than correctness itself.

If you're not familiar with the reasoning behind Shuster's unscheduled and unpaid vacation, it involved the Clinton Family. You're of course familiar with the Clinton's aren't you? They're creepy and they're kooky, mysterious and spooky, they're all together ooky, the Clinton Family. Now snap your fingers, you know the tune. Shuster's capital crime was expressing his first amendment rights. It was his very opinion as a seasoned, professional journalist, that prompted him to ask the question, "Doesn't it seem as if Chelsea is sort of being pimped out in some weird sort of way?" The former First Daughter, just a matter of weeks away from her 28th birthday, had momentarily stepped out of mommy's shadow to call everybody from cast members of The View, Hollywood celebrities and a large contingent of democratic super delegates to ask them to vote for her mommy. Has anybody ever even heard her voice? She's been kept under tighter lock and key more than the object of interest under a medieval chastity belt since birth. But as Senator Obama's victories continue to mount, the Clintons will make Karl Rove look more like a choirboy, than as simply the boyfriend of one.

Hillary Clinton wrote a letter to NBC News President Steve Capus on Saturday with the following: "Nothing justifies the kind of debasing language that David Shuster used and no temporary suspension or half-hearted apology is sufficient. I would urge you to look at the pattern of behavior on your network that seems to repeatedly lead to this sort of degrading language. There's a lot at stake for our country in this election. Surely, you can do your jobs as journalists and commentators and still keep the discourse civil and appropriate." This took place less than 24 hours after Capus already called Clinton on the phone to personally apologize. If you're not spewing lunch on the floor already, a man I had a lot of respect for, Keith Olbermann had to act the little schoolgirl bitch, by using part of his Friday night show to apologize to the Clintons on behalf of MSNBC calling Shuster's comment "utterly inappropriate and indefensible. We are, literally, dreadfully sorry." Hey Keith, next time you choose to blindside a colleague on air like that, dress appropriately in a white blouse, plaid skirt, white knee highs, black Mary Janes and a pink ribbon in your hair. If you're going to act the part, at least dress for it as well.

The Clintons, besides being all together ooky, are all together despicable too. Are there no depths to which Hillary and Bill won't sink? Is nothing out of bounds when it comes to getting their tired old corrupt asses back in the White House? Chelsea, as a 28 year old woman, should now act like a big girl instead of a little baby and speak for herself. A 28 year old shouldn't need her mommy to come out and whine on her behalf to get a man fired for speaking the truth, albeit by using a slightly inappropriate street term. Or is this merely a desperate act of a desperate woman in a desperate battle for president? The Clintons have already forced MSNBC to pimp Hardball's Chris Matthews into an on air apology for telling it like it is. Matthews didn't say pimp, however and never left air. MSNBC is so lame that they constantly finish third in the ratings behind tired old CNN and the Right Wing Reich at FOX. (I refuse to write news.) Now MSNBC will have to be nice and kiss the wide screen, rear projection back pocket of Hillary's pantsuit. Come on MSNBC, time to grow a pair so you can compete with the big boys like Hillary and Ann Coulter. Oh and Chelsea, next time mommy orders you to make phone calls on her behalf in order to beg people to vote for her, look her straight in her steely eyes and tell her to PIMP THIS!!!!

Monday, February 11, 2008

It's Too Damn Easy to Be a Republican!


I couldn't turn away. If you've ever crawled up an interstate at maybe 5 MPH for 20 minutes or so, because everybody in front of you just had to stop and look at the aftermath of a horrific accident, you have been where I just was. The horrific accident I saw, however, was taking place before my very eyes and ears. Recently announced former candidate for president, Willard "Mitt the Mormon" Romney, the Latter Day Taint himself, addressed CPAC, better known as the Conservative Political Action Committee or the American Nazi Party Third Reich, part II. These conventioneers have not only drunk the soul sacrificial kool-aid, they also smoked and snorted it as well. If you've ever watched a well produced and orchestrated film featuring invading zombies terrorizing the locals, you can categorically state that you witnessed Mitt's shameful and hyperbolic oratory. Mitt's divisive speech came a matter of minutes after it was announced he was "suspending" his campaign for the presidency. Did the GOP really use the term "suspending?" That's like a doctor telling a brand new widow her dearly departed husband suspended breathing moments before he was fitted with a toe tag. The business baron, who spent a fortune to bag very few delegates at the rate of $1.6 million per, didn't suspend his candidacy so much as the American public suspended it for him with a middle finger flip-flop off.

Two defining characteristics of republicans are that they seem to love the euphoria only a lobotomy brings and they love to uniformly applaud for simple minded speeches like the vintage monkey with a pair of cymbals. Republicans and democrats are slowly but surely becoming the Sunnis and Shias of the western hemisphere. There is such a growing hatred of one sect of Americans against the other, that I one day envision emerging world leader China leading a coalition of nations into occupying the United States. The republicans will enjoy an early advantage because you can't be a card carrying member without owning at least a dozen automatic deer hunting rifles and varmint six shooters. The democrats will eventually catch up, not so much because of superior intellect on their part, but inferior intellect on the part of the republicans. Every sentence in Mitt's reincarnation of General MacArthur's 1942 "I Shall Return" speech was written to illicit applause from the mouth breathing, non-blinking hypocrites of the New World Order set. Let's focus on the fact that Mitt didn't find a cure for lung cancer, he was merely reading an "I got my ass whipped by a ninety year old maverick" speech that appeared to be written by a middle schooler.

It's really not a closely guarded secret how to get hysterical applause at a Reagan Youth Rally function. Rule number 1 is say the name Ronald Reagan a minimum three times every 50 words. It doesn't matter if you're referencing pre or post Alzheimer Ronnie, nobody could really differentiate between the two versions anyway. You could be on page 83 of a 110 page speech on why George W. Bush was our most intellectually gifted president. At this point, even Laura is alternating between fighting off the urge to begin hysterically laughing and lapsing into a coma. You, out of nowhere, randomly blurt out the name Ronald Reagan, and the assembled crowd of lemmings will blindly erupt into a cacophony of guttural shrieks and goose-stepping stomps. Next, tout your own Rambo like courage and call all democrats cheese eating sissies. Mitt is perfect for this act of mockery. The conservative son of a Mexican born son of a polygamist served less time in the armed forces than Nicole Ritchie served in jail. In fact, his five patriotic sons chose to serve their country in a time of war by chauffering daddy's campaign bus deep into the corn stalks of Iowa instead of Iraq. That's my definition of courage. Then just spew out anti-tax, anti-immigration, anti- abortion, ant-liberal, anti-gay and anti-human rhetoric. But always remember to be for an anti-ballistic missile in every pot. Then scream out Ronald Reagan and step back for a moment as the audience explodes into a mouth foaming frenzy.

Now your people are ready to enlist as foot soldiers in the Reagan Revolution. Ahh, I love the smell of narrow minded hate mongers in the Grand "Storm Trooper" Ballroom at the Motel 6. You gaze out in the audience and see some of our countries' shining beacons of hope. Bill O'Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, Ann Coulter, Laura Ingraham, Glenn Beck, George W. Bush, Sean Hanity, Rupert Murdoch, Jack the Ripper, Karl Rove, Eva Braun, Fox News, Dick Cheney, Hermann Goerring, Joe Lieberman and Adolph Hitler just to name a few of the more rational conferees. These people should scare you. Not because of any havoc they, themselves could wreak. They're all spineless cowards who would be more likely to soil their pants at the first sign of physical confrontation than actually fight. Their power is their ability to metaphorically hypnotize people with bazookas in their basements and pea shooters in their attics. Their genius is limited to their ability to lead their adoring followers to shed their actual blood for their imagined courage. Every difficult task in life would be simple if you could manipulate somebody else to do it for you. The aforementioned roster above does that every time they open their mouths in proximity of your ears.

Maybe for once, you should applaud and cheer less, and listen and think more. Your puppeteers have become wealthy by telling you how to act. They'll keep making it as long as you keep buying it. A puppet is only as good as his puppet master. Next time somebody pulls your strings and tells you to dance, instead of mindlessly kicking your legs, mindfully kick them right in their groin and say to yourself, it's not so damn hard to think for myself.....

Friday, February 8, 2008

NOW - Shut Up, Look Around and Listen!


Is this what you self-important gals really want? You prefer we men just shut up, look pretty and flex our beef burgers? I suppose life would drastically improve if we did just shut up and look pretty. I, however, refuse. I'm the equal of most any woman not just in the country, but the city as well.. I am man, here me roar. In numbers too big to ignore. Yes maam, I'm a man who discovered the wheel and built the Eiffel Tower out of metal and brawn. That's what kind of man I am. You're just a woman with a small brain. With a brain a third the size of us. It's science. So tell me, who should I strive to emulate, Helen Reddy or Ron Burgundy? That's 24 carat stupidity. Everybody knows the only true path to enlightenment is by living your life just like 74 year old Gloria Steinem or 54 year old NOW President, Kim Gandy. By the way, have you ever seen a photo of Kim Gandy? She is the spitting image of Tom Hanks in drag. It's actually quite chilling. But enough about skin deep beauty, let's get to the real meat and potatoes of this piercingly, rock hard conundrum.

I keep trying to remember the country is officially listed as the United States of America. Yeah, this country is about as united as a breakfast of Hebrew National salami, mixed in a heaping bowl of scrapple served Yom Kippur morning in a Mosque. In fact, I don't think this country has been so unified since that minor dust up at Fort Sumter, South Carolina in April of 1861. It seems the only common thread uniting our 50 states is our overwhelming contempt and downright disrespect for each other as fellow human beings. Republicans and Democrats don't get along, liberals and conservatives, red staters and blue staters, blacks and whites, blacks and Latinos, Lou Dobbs and Latinos, gays and straights, evangelicals and well adjusted human beings who think for themselves, men and women and the National Organization of Women and anything or anyone sporting a couple of testicles.

I remember seeing a comic book when I was a young, innocent boy about this amazonian like assassin known as Typhoid Mary. The comic book was mostly being used as a device to shield hidden Playboys in the back of a closet of a good friend's "punch first, ask questions later" maladjusted older brother. As an impressionable ten year old boy, I was startled by Mary's appearance. She was an alter ego man pummeling machine that could beat the stuffing out of any guy. I was assured this was a fictional character and nobody like her existed in real life. Now that I saw Kill Bill parts I and II along with some of the NOW spokeswomen, I'm not so sure that's true. I've come to learn if you don't support Hillary Clinton's presidential bid, it's only because you're a woman hating sexist ass. I mean after all, no normal human being could possibly prefer another candidate, disagree with her political views, be sick to death of her Arkansas hound dog of a husband, hillbilly Clinton, or just feel it would be a welcome change for the occupant of the White House not to have a last name of Bush or Clinton for the first time in 20 long years.

I personally can't stand Hillary Clinton for a number of reasons. I would be willing, if needed to swear under oath, that none of those reasons are gender based. I don't dislike John McCain because he's a woman. I don't laugh at Mitt Romney because he whines like a schoolgirl, I don't roll my eyes at Mike Huckabee because he gives the impression of being a backwoods goober whose idea of gourmet cuisine is a squirrel cooked in a popcorn popper (well, that's not true, I do roll my eyes because he is a backwoods goober who would be a better character in the Beverly Hillbillies than as president) and I don't support Barack Obama simply because he's an inspirational African-American man. I support him because he's the best and brightest candidate for president I've seen in my lifetime. I think after 20 long years of gridlock between waring factions of this country, he's the one person that can begin the arduous task of reuniting these "ununited states" we are a part of.

Hey NOW, if you have evidence there is sexist fungus among us, by all means present all evidence supporting your case. If you don't, just shut up sweeties. You're your own worst enemies. Political correctness is sometimes proper but lighten up toots. Watch a commercial on U.S. television nowadays. If the script calls for one of the actors to be a dullard, said dullard MUST be a caucasian male. No company in this country would dare show a black male idiot or a female idiot of any race for palpable fear of Al Sharpton or Kim Gandy mounting a soap box and screaming BOYCOTT at the top of their lungs. An extraterrestrial watching TV would think this country is loaded with white male imbeciles. He, She or It would be right of course. But idiocy is not restricted. It's inclusive to all races and genders. If you truly want equality, you have to take the bad with the good, not just the good. The real world doesn't have separate male and female tee locations on the golf course of life.

For what it's worth, I sincerely hope we do have a female president one day soon in this country. It's not like she has to be perfect. Look at what we have now. You think W. should pull out of Iraq before it's too late? I only wish his father would have employed that same foresight with Barb mere seconds before the horror of W's conception. Let's base our opinions of people on substance rather than this sickening perception of group against group. Americans have to cease engaging in every petty argument under the sun. We spend our days patting our own backs while stabbing the backs of those we disagree with. Maybe if we did shut up, look around and listen, we might see the world starting to pass us by. I think we would be better served discussing how to reunite us, than by arguing how to further split us apart....

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