Friday, October 19, 2007

Ellen, Take Your Meds & Lie Down Quietly...



Wow, what a dog eat dog world we live in. Ellen DeGeneres' world is so full of pain, she felt compelled to stage a calculated nervous breakdown on her own daily dog and pony show. For those of you who don't know who Ellen DeGeneres even is or what's taking place in her life right now, consider yourselves fortunate. I only wish I was one of you. Ellen is a 49 year moderately successful comedienne best known for being the daytime hostess of one of those "Oh my God, I just completely threw away an hour of my life" daytime talk shows and for nailing the smoking hot Portia de Rossi. I would rather spend an hour sitting in a pool of freezing cold water sticking my index finger in an exposed electrical outlet than watch a program like this. If that got old after a while, and I'm assuming it would, I could easily be coerced into donning a Harpo Marx wig and driving "my" Portia around the track for the hour instead, IF you know what I mean. But pleasant momentary diversions aside, please allow me to stay on track.

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ELLEN DEGENERES WITHOUT WIG OR MAKE-UP

Earlier this week mixed in amongst other breaking news events such as Britney Spears court appearances, an idiotic George W. Bush press conference, Rudy Giuliani reminding voters he was mayor of New York City on 9/11, barrels of crude oil reaching all time record high prices and Sara Lee Corp being investigated for fraud involving the sale of their prepackaged frozen crap to the troops in Iraq, Ellen became embroiled in a heartbreaking story surrounding an adopted dog, two young girls and a carefully staged full mental breakdown as the cameras rolled. I flip-flop back and forth wishing I could be alive 100 years from now to witness historians analyzing the early part of the 21st century and then being extremely thankful I won't.

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IGGY THE DOG WENT ON A HUNGER STRIKE AFTER ELLEN DITCHED HIM
HAPPY TO REPORT HE'S GAINED WEIGHT SINCE THIS PHOTO AND IS FINE

Here's what was alleged to have taken place in "Woofgate." Ellen and lesbian gal pal Portia de Rossi decided to adopt a dog from a pet shelter last month. A very admirable thing to do I must say. For the sake of full disclosure, my family did the very same thing involving rescuing two greyhounds from a shelter in Hollywood, Florida. The greyhound industry does not offer much in the way of sympathy to the non-champion racing dogs and if not adopted, they're given lethal injections and summarily murdered in an efficient and legal manner. So I applaud Ellen's decision to adopt the black Brussels Griffon mix terrier, who goes by the name of Iggy. Well, as fate would have it, Iggy wasn't able to get along with DeGeneres' cats, so the couple took it upon themselves to give Iggy to DeGeneres' hairdresser. She has a hairdresser????

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ELLEN SHOWING OFF FOR CAMERAS BY PATTING HER FOREHEAD and RUBBING A DOG'S PAW SIMULTANEOUSLY

I guess Ellen failed to read the contract she signed with Mutts and Moms, the nonprofit dog-rescue organization that originally gave DeGeneres the dog. The contract clearly stipulates that Ellen, or anybody else for that matter who adopts an animal, may not re-assign ownership of the canine without first notifying and receiving written permission from the agency to do so. In plain language, Ellen agreed in writing NOT to give the dog away without notifying Mutts and Moms beforehand. However, Ellen is a big star with a daytime talk show and has a hot chick girlfriend. Surely, she shouldn't be held to the same standards as you and I would be. M & M disagreed, and when word leaked out regarding the unsanctioned transfer of Iggy, the agency exercised their contractual rights and removed the confused canine from the home of the hairdresser and her two preteen daughters. Well, now the spam was about to hit the fan.

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"LUTS" NEED LOVE AND ADOPTION TOO

Ellen, Portia, the hairdresser, the daughters, the movie star, the professor and Mary Ann all suffered severe mental breakdowns. Ellen even took valuable time away from her laugh riot of a television show to plead with the agency to free Iggy and send him back to those inconsolable children. If you haven't seen it on the news, it's on the You Tube video on top of this post. I promise, you'll sob hysterically right along with Ellen. I know I did. My neighbors thought I had a crying three year old girl in my possession, but I explained those mournful shrieks were coming from me. Once again, I have to credit the public with taking a potentially terrible situation and making it much, much worse. After the airing of the "As the Stomach Turns" episode, the agency immediately starting receiving hate filled emails and life threatening phone calls from dog and pet lovers all over the country. These must be the same people who hate abortion clinics so much for being baby murderers, that they'll murder the doctors who perform the abortions in order to prove their pro life positions.

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BEFORE AND AFTER PHOTO OF ELLEN'S HAIRSTYLES

Ellen, would you adopt a child and then give him away if your cats didn't like him? I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume not. I know, this is a dog and not a human, but still, you voluntarily signed a legal document promising NOT to do exactly what you did do, and like a spoiled self centered child, you pitched a fit on national television and incited every maladjusted nut with a tv set to threaten people who operate a NON-PROFIT organization that saves dogs from being euthanized. You should apologize to Mutts and Moms for making them out to be the bad guys when it was YOUR actions that forced their hand. I guess this agency should have made an exception just for you. These "devastated kids" you so selfishly used will be just fine in 10 minutes. Iggy will be fine. Your nutball fan base will be fine as soon as the valium enters their bloodstream. The only person I worry about is your hairdresser. Am I to believe she actually makes money for creating something such as this? Hot diggity dog, my work is done......

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