Monday, October 8, 2007

All My Fame Earns is a Kick in the Asphalt?

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The going rate for immortal fame is currently $25,000. That's right, if you have "25 Large" just lying around some dark, anonymous bank vault collecting dust as it's collecting interest, you might want to think about making an investment in your future by purchasing your own STAR on Hollywood's Walk of Fame. You read that correct. Just do something, almost anything worthy of generating enough publicity to get your own law enforcement mug shot. For this momentous photo opportunity, I would suggest you not be bathed, be in desperate need of a shampoo and styling and to close the deal, have a wild, borderline psychotic gleam in your eye as the police photographer prompts your pose with a the standard "say cheese" request. This is your initial step as you begin your Journey to Fame. Next, you're going to want to alert the paparazzi that you'll be holding an impromptu press conference to repudiate the bogus charges the cops have charged you with. Make sure you're sufficiently under the influence of a fifth of Grey Goose and approximately seven to ten 160 mg oxycontin tablets before you give your opening statement or answer any questions from the assembled media. At this point, you can practically smell the concrete on Hollywood Blvd.

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Once the concrete dries, it's time to move forward to the the next step in your quest to be famous. It's time to huddle with your team of doctors to come up with a previously unnamed medical condition that will as a result, be named after YOU! "What's wrong Britney," your concerned friends will ask. You explain how specialists have determined every time you eat pepperoni pizza, your knees and buttocks break out in diamond shaped red blotches completely covered with thick, unsightly clumps of oily hair. Doctors fear this is the just the beginning of an epidemic caused by lead paint chips in the discount pepperoni being imported from China. The doctors name this malady, Brit-knee Rears Syndrome. If you develop the urge to shave your head, lose custody of your children, abuse illegal narcotics, get drunk and show off your belly overhang on awards shows, ask your doctor if Cialis is right for you. It can't hurt.

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REMOVE HELL, SUBSTITUTE YOUR NAME

Now you're on your way to near immortality. But you're not quite there yet. That goal may be more easily reached if you have a street named after you. However, you may want to lobby for a major interstate. Every weekday morning and afternoon, helicopter traffic reporters on Action and Eyewitness News teams from near and far will mention your name over and over. Traffic is in gridlock on the Spears. It's bumper to bumper on the Spears approaching the tunnel. Looks like the Spears is badly backed up. There's a reported accident on the Spears. Clean up crews are on the way to clean up a major spillage leaking all over mile marker 69 on the Spears. Drivers won't be able to stop talking about you. They'll either be cursing or praising their time on the Spears up to ten times per week, week in and week out. Wait until a pothole inevitably occurs and an entire crew of men have to fill the gaping hole on the Spears. That's enough, you get my drift.

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NOT JUST ANY AIRPORT, YOUR AIRPORT!

What about an airport? Any publicity is great publicity. People will be screaming how their flight was canceled and they had to spend the night in the Spears. Never ever eat at the Spears, the food tastes funny. Terms like I had a layover at the Spears will provide raised eyebrows and witty retorts from all your friends and co-workers. Imagine going to a mens' restroom and tapping your wide stanced [sic] feet, as you solicit undercover police officers for homosexual sex. You can also get a full and complete body cavity search there too. Many airports are international, so your fame will spread all over the planet. Any publicity agent will tell their client, you want as much spread as you possibly can mange.

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PEOPLE JUST LIKE THIS, CELEBRATING YOUR DAY!

Last, but certainly not least, you should strive to get a holiday named after you. Imagine being responsible for adults getting a day off from work. The kids get a day off from school too. Stores all over the country will pay tribute to you as well by reducing their inventory of crap by ten to fifty percent. Imagine people celebrating YOUR day by being able to go to fine department stores like Target or Walmart and being able to purchase three packages of men's all cotton briefs for the price of two. People can sleep in late, go to the beach, do yard work or spend quality time with the family. Even certain bars extend Happy Hour so you can get really, really drunk for the same money you normally pay just to get really drunk.

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So remember celebrities of tomorrow, get access to $25,000. Try to catch a brand new disease in desperate need of a catchy name. Lobby the highway commission to turn a boring sounding interstate into an exciting celebrity sounding leisure experience. Fans everywhere will be smelling your asphalt. Get that airport named in your honor. People flying in and out of you every day of the week is as good as it gets. Lastly, reach for the stars and go for the big one, THE HOLIDAY. Low low prices, quality time with the family, a showplace yard and a mind numbing headache awaiting you when you arise from your alcohol induced blackout in the county drunk tank. I'm psyched to become famous right now. I bet you are too........





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