Monday, March 10, 2008

Time For Obama To Deliver a Body Slama!


Look, up in the sky. It's a bird, it's a plane, it's SuperObama. Now has come the time to transform those words of hope into a plan of action. So the saying goes, "you can't bring a knife to a gun fight anymore than you can invoke the Marquess of Queensberry rules to a street brawl." When your opponent, be it man, woman or desperate, shrill politician decides to discard the rules of engagement, you have no alternative but to follow suit. Because if you don't, you will soon find yourself on the short end of the pantsuit. Team Hillary is now clearly in a take no prisoners mode. A state of critical mass has been reached and Barack Obama can no longer claim the high ground of hope while Hillary scorches and chars the field of reality. The Clintons think they've finally figured out the magic formula to usurp the will of the people by using despicable and deceitful methods that would make even Karl Rove blush.

Firstly, repeat the same phrase over and over and over again until people accept what they hear as truth rather than campaign rhetoric. Can anybody begin to accurately count how many times they've been told how Hillary has 35 years of experience and how ready she is to lead from day one? As has been noted in this blog many times, she's 60 years old and has started the experience clock from the moment she passed the Arkansas Bar Exam. Perhaps this so called experience would have been more detailed had she not previously FAILED the Washington D.C. Bar Exam. Now, I do realize that passing any legitimate bar exam is difficult and not a criteria to be elected president. Look at our current president. He never passed a bar either, especially if it was fully stocked with Jack Daniels. But getting a law degree, being First Lady of Arkansas and the United States, being a Wal-Mart Board Member and being repeatedly publicly embarrassed and humiliated by your cheating husband, is not a training ground to become leader of the free world.

The truth is nobody has experience doing anything until you do it. Does John McCain have more experience and right to be president because he was held captive in a prison? If that were the case, I suppose Charles Manson is by far the more qualified candidate, my friends. Hillary Clinton's 3AM experience answering the phone has previously involved finding Bill, more than saving the world from nuclear holocaust. Name me some of McCain's 3AM accomplishments. I imagine finding his glasses so he could find his teeth are the top two. Everybody loves touting their experience for things they've never done. All we can really do is look at the records of the candidates and their judgments thus far. Most of Hillary's experience has been as the wife of a silver tongued and haired orator who has dispensed personal charm more effectively than he has legislatively. Being a spouse of someone successful is all well and good, but it shouldn't be grist to fill in your resume. Who voted for the War in Iraq again?

Let's be honest here, had her name been Hillary Depilatory, could she have moved to New York and been elected to the US Senate? No way, she rode the coattails of the Immoral Dope from Hope right into that cushy job. Now she's looking to star in the sequel in Washington DC. She is clearly demonstrating that she and her team of high paid manipulators will stop at nothing to accomplish her dream at your expense. Hillary is a tough leader when it suits her purpose and an abused woman when that's more advantageous. She's a gracious woman when that's what's called for and a bare knuckled brawler the next. The bottom line is clearly she will do anything, say anything and manipulate anybody to achieve her objective. She's not fighting fair, she's fighting dirty. Barack Obama must therefore put the politics of hope on hold and fight fire with fire before his presidential aspirations go up in smoke.

The electorate claim over and over again how much they loathe negative campaigning. They also claim not to stop in traffic and stare at the mangled mass of what was once a car. People hate sex and violence so much on television that the networks ram it by the pound down your collective throats every time they need to boost their ratings. Senator Obama can't listen to what people say but rather how they act. If he's serious about winning the democratic nomination and eventually the White House, the time has come to prove it with words of fear over hope, lies over truth and telling people what they want to hear as opposed to what they need to hear. Hillary is doing that right now and it's working. In a perfect world, your head could campaign in the clouds even when your opponent's head is in the gutter. But this is far from a perfect world and reality dictates you have to come back down to earth and have at it. If Hillary wants to fight, I say give her one. Ask Hillary where her tax returns are, where her White House papers are, where the list of contributors to the Clinton Library are and while we're asking, it's now 3AM, I wonder where Hillary's husband is.......

Friday, March 7, 2008

Tough Talk Does Not Translate Into ACTION


If only Americans applied the theory that walking the walk takes precedence over talking the talk, we might actually be the greatest country on earth in practice rather than through empty words. I sometimes feel our national symbol should be one of those garish over sized We're Number 1 Foam Rubber Fingers rather than a majestically soaring bald eagle. Yes maam and yes sir, Americans can convince themselves of almost anything. The more outrageous the claim, the louder we talk and talk and talk. Because if we say it enough times and if others repeat it enough times, we eventually will believe just about anything. It's an over simplification to claim this is a result of good old fashioned stupidity, but seemingly anything will be accepted as a proven fact if it's repeated enough times. Over the years numerous psychological tests have been conducted to substantiate this phenomenon. You can conduct a variation of how this works yourself. Gather up 20 of your closest friends in one room. Tell friend #1 a totally unsubstantiated rumor and write down specifically what you asserted. Then tell friend #1 to repeat verbatim the same rumor to friend #2 and so on and so forth. I guarantee by the time friend #20 hears the rumor, it will be almost completely different from what you told friend #1.

Some of you are now asking yourself what does this prove. Thank you for asking. In the most basic terminology, even though people assimilate what you tell them, their brain will interpret the information the way it's been conditioned to process data. This is most often a reflection of their own belief system. I had told friend #1 that a photo of Barack Obama exists in which he's wearing a Muslim suicide bomber uniform and should he be elected President of the United States, he will assemble and lead a jihad known as the "Reign of Hussein" against Americans as we blissfully sleep in our beds. If your group of 20 is truly a diverse cross section of America, at least a handful of your network are now panic stricken and the last person in line has heard such a terrifying misrepresentation of the original story, he's probably driving 90 mph to the nearest gun shop to purchase his own private stash of WMD. The bottom line is, some people will laugh at the ridiculousness of this idiotic rumor you initiated, some people will laugh but surmise there could be a scintilla of truth to it, some would say "aha, I knew it" and some people are debating whether they should purchase two or three bazookas to protect their double wide from the invading horde from the middle east.

People believe what they choose to believe and that's exacerbated exponentially the more times they hear it. Even if you've paid minimal attention to this year's presidential campaigns, you've all heard how Hillary's 35 years of experience alone qualifies her to lead this country from day one. We've heard it so many times in fact, people have become Pavlovian in the manner they repeat it without even realizing they're doing it. Congratulations to you. You have drunk the kool-aid trough dry and now qualify for health care under Hillary's Automaton Healthcare Program. Before it's too late, I would suggest you take a road trip down the nearest highway and much like the average Canine-American, open your mouth and stick your head out the window to ingest maximum oxygen. Then quietly sit down with one of those delicious over-sized black and white cookies or perhaps a waffle on a stick and ask your self one minor question. Hillary's 35 years of experience doing what exactly?

First some simple math. Hillary is a 60 year old woman. My mathematic skills indicate to me this experience train she has been riding left the depot in 1973 when Hillary was 25 years of age. In the winter of '73 when the experience process began, Hillary was a 3rd year law student at Yale University. Trust me when I tell you how much is to be learned at that ivy covered bar and grill, but there are NO presidential experience law 101 classes offered. She then spent a few months studying for the Washington, D.C. and Arkansas Bar Exams. 551 of the 817 applicants or 67% taking the D.C. exam passed. Hillary, however, was one of the 266 applicants who FAILED! She did manage to pass the somewhat less prestigious Arkansas Bar Exam, but would keep the D.C. failure a closely guarded secret, even from her closest friends, for nearly 30 years. Hillary then worked as a congressional junior legal counsel. A year later, she married William "Fidelity" Clinton and relocated to Little Rock, Arkansas. If there's one thing we can all agree on, if you want to learn how to lead the free world, a world class, cosmopolitan metropolis like Little Rock is the place to do this. Bill did it and Mike "Goober" Huckabye fell about 12 million votes short of replicating that plan, so the odds are even money that if you want to become president, Arkansas is the place for you. Hillary worked for a local law firm until she became First Lady of Arkansas in 1981. Except for a two year period, she continued in the role until 1992. During that two year period, she gained invaluable presidential experience as a board member of Wal-Mart. She then graduated from first lady of Arkansas to First Lady of the United States until 2001. She has been the junior senator of New York for the past seven years. The last US Senator to become president was John Kennedy in 1960. Before JFK, only two other US Senators have gone on to be elected president since 1888. The senate is not a great training ground to become ready from day one it would seem.

So to recap Hillary's 35 years of experience. One year was spent in law school. Two years as a junior congressional "gofer". Six years as an Arkansas lawyer. Two years as a board member of Wal-Mart. Nine years as the First Lady of Arkansas. Eight years as the First Lady of the US. Seven years as a US Senator. 1+2+6+2+9+8+7 = 35. Yeah that works. I once helped a friend of mine paint his ceiling. I suppose that qualifies me to repaint as least a portion the Sistine Chapel. I mean Michaelangelo wasn't all that tested to paint from day one. Let's get real Hillary. My six year old nephew has as much presidential experience as Senators Obama, McCain and you combined. He may in fact be even more qualified because of his proficiency in Xbox and Wii. He certainly is intellectually superior to George W, but let's leave that idiot savant out of this discussion and continue focusing on you. I hope Senator Obama starts leading the chorus to more carefully analyze your 35 years, your unwillingness to release your tax returns, your failure to release your secretive presidential papers so the American people can find out just what you did in the White House, your unwillingness to list Bill's presidential library donor list, why you need six rings to answer the phone and most importantly, why you're still dressed in what appears to be a polyester/rayon blend pantsuit and necklace at 3AM.

Could it be you're a vampire, Hillary? Hey everybody, light your torches and find the secret lair of the Transylvanian Titwillow. I always recall the colloquialism that "it ain't bragging if you can back it up". But if you can't back it up, then it becomes time to shut it up. You haven't put forth one positive contribution to this entire nomination process. That could all change instantly, however, if you put the American people and the best interests of the democratic party before yourself and made an immediate concession speech. You can even make it self serving. Use that 35 years of experience to do something real for once. That's the kind of tough talk that translates into positive action...

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

There's no I in Team, But There is in Hillary


Life is often separated by two philosophies. What's best for the greater good of society on one hand and what's best for me on the other. Any well adjusted human knows there are legitimate times to incorporate both. However, certain narcissistic humans convince themselves that what's best for them will naturally be best for everybody else. I am convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that Hillary Clinton believes she was predestined to become President of the United States. When she repeatedly claims her mantra of how her 35 years of experience has prepared her for this lofty goal, she never elucidates any actual specificities to back up her words with actions. Hillary Clinton wants to be president. She demands her place in history as the first female to be elected president. She believes God herself has singled her out to take her rightful place alongside every notable martyr, philosopher, saint and leader before her. How does any reasonable adult allow him/herself to believe that the person to lead us from eight years of hopeless wandering through a deep chasm to the mountaintop is a self appointed 60 year old carnival barker with a shrill voice and a personality as authentic as plastic?

I was sickened once again in my lifetime to have to helplessly stand by and watch a fraudulent charlatan exploit peoples' beliefs, weaknesses, hopes and dreams, just so she can fulfill the grandeur of her own ego. Team Hillary once again crawled out from behind the woodwork to dupe the majority of the citizenry of Texas, Ohio and my beloved Rhode Island on Tuesday to capture the popular vote in those three primaries. In actuality, it's not the popular vote that nominates presidents, but the locally elected delegates. That means the four contests were basically a draw, but nobody should think this nominating process has anything to do with reality. This is all about perception and deception. A week ago, were you in a panic about who would answer that 3AM ringing phone along with what color pantsuit they would be wearing? Wake up America, you're being manipulated, duped and played for suckers by the exact same kind of people that made fools of you for the previous eight years. The only discernible difference between George W. Bush and Hillary Clinton is that one of them urinates standing up and the other sitting down. Just please don't try to pin me down as to which does what.

This country desperately needs a change in course direction after two Bush terms. Unless you're an oil company executive reading this, your life and that of your children has devalued as much as our currency has since 2001. Everything has less value but costs more. If you come to Europe and plan to spend $2,000, you'll have to bring $3,000 because of the shrinking value of the US dollar. That same $2,000 tab will run you $4,000 in the UK and is now a wash in Canada. Your SUV will soon be swallowing $4 per gallon gas and everything will cost more because it's more expensive to get from point A to point B. American soldiers continue to die and suffer catastrophic injuries in Iraq, but the high prices, home foreclosures and hatred between segments of society have pushed the war off the front pages. We are, after all, an out of sight, out of mind people. Right now the war only becomes an issue when politicians need to pander for votes by pulling a flag out of their back pockets to wave and rally about the brave men and women of our armed forces.

Why are people so gullible? Why do millions of democrats allow themselves to be made fools of by Hillary's sales staff? Hillary is the ringing phone candidate, the ready from day one candidate, the solutions candidate, the action not words candidate, the everything positive but nothing negative candidate and perhaps even the Manchurian Candidate. She plays the victim card, the woman card and the concerned mother card all in one breath and then becomes the terminator in the next. Hillary is everything to everybody. Ask not what your Hillary can do for you, but what can you do for your Hillary. Go ahead, take a sheet of blank white paper and list all of her accomplishments over the past 35 years and see afterwards how strongly the finished product resembles the same blank sheet of paper you started with. The nomination game was played by the rules and Barack Obama won fair and square. Make no mistake, however, this nomination was never about fair or square, it was all about Hillary. She will pull the entire democratic party into the mud with her before she will concede defeat. You don't like the results of the game, keep changing the game until such time as you do.

This was never about what's best for America, but always about what was best for Hillary. Her self proclaimed destiny demands that. She will be president no matter who or what must be destroyed along the way. I keep hearing politics is a dirty game and nothing is out of bounds. I am competitive and like to win as much as the next guy, but I also hold my integrity in esteem as well. If your ambition supersedes your honor and your honor supersedes nothing, you invariably become what you behold. Individuals must represent their team, not the other way around. The moment that fact is forgotten becomes the moment the team is forgotten as well. Hillary is going to do what's best for Hillary. But she can only do this if you allow her to. Pennsylvania didn't ask for this assignment but regardless, on April 22nd it's theirs. Do you want to make a difference? Do you want to save the team in order to to save the country? Then carpe diem Pennsylvania.

By the way, when that phone does ring at 3AM, I want it answered in less than six rings by a trusted member of Team Obama. Not by some control freak in a pajama pantsuit and pearls. That last sentence is applicable to either Hillary or McCain. Vote on that why don't you...

Monday, March 3, 2008

If You Will Buy It, She Will Keep Selling It!


Much like in gambling, real property transactions or dating girls, someone is always armed and ready to take advantage of you like the sucker you are. Much like people forced by the courts to wear monitoring devices around their ankles, a much larger segment of society should be adjudicated to have "VICTIM" indelibly etched across their forehead. Everybody likes to laugh out loud about how merchants, car salesmen, service industry employees, clergy and politicians try to make buffoons of them, but the victims don't hear these perpetrators laughing out louder as they greedily line their pockets with your abundant gullibility. Politicians over the years have learned to convert certain defeat into certain victory by exploiting you, the clueless home voter. They simplistically do this by simplistically assuring people to provide high paying jobs, better schools, affordable health insurance, lower taxes and mostly safety for you and your sleeping children. This seems so damn simple, you wonder why these problems still even exist.

Ever since the public first became afflicted with the deadly pox known as Bush-Shot that initially reared its ugly head in the late 80's, this country has rapidly sunk deeper and deeper into a malaise that has mutated to where people have become so accustomed to the taste of stupidity, they keep going back for seconds. Even though political dirty tricks were not a novelty nearly 30 years ago, they had not sunk to the depths they were heading under republican strategist and mentor to a young Porky Pig lookalike Karl Rove, named Leroy "Lee" Atwater. This despicable excuse for a human being single handedly inducted himself into the political Hall of Shame during the 1980 congressional campaigns. He helped defeat a democrat for congress by exposing the fact the candidate had electroshock treatments as a 16 year old boy to combat thoughts of suicide. Atwater also helped George H.W. Bush defeat Michael Dukakis with the exploitive and racist Willie Horton ads. It was during this foray into the political abyss that Atwater befriended George W. Bush. Lil Bush was basically given the nepotistic assignment of spying for his daddy. What else could a 42 year old stupid, drunken, drug addicted failure and imbecile with a Yale undergraduate degree and MBA from Harvard do to earn a living on his own?

Junior was so impressed with Atwater's acumen as a despicable liar and manipulator of people and facts, he would become engaged to Karl Rove. Sadly, Lee Atwater would contract brain cancer and die two years after Daddy Bush took office. Atwater found religion and apologetically reached out to all he trashed in order to seek absolution before his death in 1991. No such epiphany for George W or Rove to date and I find it doubtful that day will ever come for either of these wastes of space. Bush will be shown the door in less than a year and Karl Rove is now a journalist in the proud tradition of Bill O'Reilly, Sean Hanity and the rest of the pied pipers of phlegm at the Right Wing Retardation Reich aka FOX News. Democrats have for the past 30 years tried to counter this dirt by taking the high road. Since 1976, only Bill Clinton has managed to do so. So when the going gets tough, the tough get copying. So Hillary Clinton and her 35 years of experience, ready to lead from day one and so on, is now throwing everything in the house including the house itself to see if anything will stick to that proverbial wall. In her latest hurl, Hillary has gone roving to Karl's play book and is trying to terrorize Americans with terrorism.

Yes sir, your kids are sleeping like angels at 3:00 AM eastern time when the phone rings. Not your phone mind you, but Hillary's phone in the White House. Hillary is ready in her fully decked out Victoria Secret negligee pantsuit waiting for the call. Hillary answers and finds out the terrorists are rolling into towns all over America. All the rolling has apparently made their ribs sore, but they're determined nonetheless. Hillary, clearly agitated, asks the person on the other end, "why do they always call me first?" She doesn't really mind but still, every time there's a terrorist at the door or at a debate, she invariably gets called on first. It seems a thin African-American man wearing a Kenyan costume along with a Si Se Pueda baseball cap and an African-American woman who has a less than proud look on her punim were seen around Capitol Hill. Well Commander Clinton, what do we do? "Um, let me ask Bill." The First Laddie, however, is nowhere to be found. Hillary finds a note on the front door. The note reads "I've been ready from day one to see that dark haired, pudgy intern in the blue dress. Don't wait up, this time I'll drop the dress off at the dry cleaner myself."

Hillary is too experienced to be angry this time. She can't just make a speech about taking her eyes off the balls and allowing the Arkansas Mongoose to escape its confinement to Bill now. She needs solutions, not speeches. She knew she was being delusional thinking the Little Rock Lothario would become Old Faithful. She needs to get real. After all, it's been Hillary's experience that even a smooth operator like Bill still has rough edges after 35 years of aint being nothing but a hound dog. What to do? Then it slaps her like a palm on the business end of a thong. Call Vice President Kucinich away from his quail hunting safari with former Vice President Cheney and let him make the decision. That's what you call leadership.....

Friday, February 29, 2008

Which One is Dumb? Which One is Dumber?

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I understand the motivational factors that propel people forward with nothing to lose. It's about freedom. As Kris Kristofferson wrote millions of years ago, "Freedom's just another word for nothin left to lose, And nothin aint worth nothin but its free." So with the essence of nothing having been clearly defined, we are now much more qualified to discuss what motivates the current political versions of yin and yang, Ralph Nader and Mike Huckabee. Two of the duller blades in the medicine cabinet of life both would lead you to believe that they should be President of the United States. When you think about it, why shouldn't they? Whereas this country may be lacking when it comes to natural resources, good jobs, affordable health care and quality education, it certainly can claim an abundance of riches when it comes to gun ownership, intolerance, misguided patriotism and lack of leadership. This has to at least partially explain why Nader and Huckabee's steadfast claims they should be president haven't entirely fallen on deaf ears.

I fully realize the doors to political Hades swung wide open in 2000 when the majority of the American electorate gave our dumbest, least qualified citizen the keys to the Oval Office. The U.S. will be paying for that catastrophe for many years to come. It's not enough, however, to say at least Nader and Huckabee are brighter than Bush. Hell, we all have flashlights loaded with three year old batteries that are brighter than Bush. You can't claim weeks of hard studying really paid off when you improve your test score in World Geography from 42% to 47%, just because you can now pinpoint China on a wall map. You still failed miserably, but at least you're smarter than the guy in the Fed Ex commercial who confused China with Greenland. Just try to remember, that was a comedic based commercial, you're theoretically in real life. Right now anybody who's considering voting for Huck or Ralphie Boy has to sit down, take a deep breath and ask yourself "what's wrong with me and why on earth am I even considering this?"

Andy Warhol many years ago claimed that as a result of our media driven obsession with the spotlight, every man, woman and child would eventually have his or her 15 minutes of fame. This seems sufficient for most people. I can think of a few things I would like to do to get me on the Colbert Report. With censorship still healthily thriving even on an opinion driven blog such as this, I'm going to limit my comments to the fact that what I'm specifically thinking may in fact need some strong editing. But getting back to Mike Hucklehead and Ralph Knucklehead, what you have is a 74 year old professional presidential candidate and his 52 year old understudy. Much like the annual emergence of the groundhogs, we have candidates who seemingly are prepared to crawl out of their burrows every four years to make a futile run for the presidency. Some would say, ask not what your country can do for you, but what can your country do for you to make money.

Once Senator Grandpa "My Friends" McCain mathematically nails down the republican nomination for president, what's Huck going to do with the rest of life? I mean once you've spent time before adoring crowds in Iowa, New Hampshire and South Carolina, how can you go back to the bright lights of Hooterville, Arkansas. As exciting as Saturday night dinner at the Rotary Club and a barbecued squirrel supper tailgate party at the Wal-mart may appear to most people, it just lacks the excitement of the campaign trail. These events are rife with speeches and the inevitable action news team interview. It pays better too. Much like Nader, the Hick from Hope will be very much in demand on the lecture circuit. Who wouldn't want to pay $150 for a plate of frozen chicken wings and lima beans and then for dessert, be regaled with stories from the road to the White House. If you're really lucky, Huck will do some Sunday preaching and then debunk Darwin's theories of evolution. Who needs Darwin when any Tom, Dick or Hucky will do?

Both perennials are fully cognizant of the fact they have no chance of winning, but any well paid job for current doers of nothing is more financially rewarding than the presidency. Don't take my word for it, ask George W Bush how hard it is to be the consummate screw up. Bush's 24/7 schedule would destroy the average man or woman. 24 hours per week and 7 months per year is a grueling pace for any mere mortal. However, Americans catch on eventually. Why let Mike and Ralph sop up all the failed candidate gravy. You too in the privacy of your own home can learn to turn failure into big bucks. For the low, low price of $249.99 plus shipping and handling, you will receive the home version of How to be a Loser. Act like an idiot, ignore science, ignore reality, branch out from being a local embarrassment to a national one. Give speeches, 1001 jokes to tell yourself while you laugh all the way to the bank. The possibilities are endless. So who's the real dumb one, Veritas? I'm going to saute me some squirrel drumsticks and spam in sausage gravy right now and have to get back to you on that one. In the interim, anybody want to hire me to make a speech? Anybody? Anybody at all....

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Would You Like a Pillow With Your Whine?

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The 20th and mercifully final democratic debate concluded Tuesday evening in Cleveland, Ohio. Whoever coined the phrase "enough is enough" must have envisioned just such a self-replicating event as the latest 90 minute battle for the hearts and minds of democratic voters everywhere. I unapologetically am not neutral and fervently support Barack Obama. I feel more and more certain of my position every time I see the two of them sharing a stage. Senator Obama comes across as in command, thoughtful, worthy of respect and absent of the pettiness attributed to losers everywhere. Hillary on the other hand is shrill, a phony, egocentric and the very definition of petty. I watched some of Tuesday's debate and was sickened by the Princess of Pantsuits from the beginning. Hillary is afflicted with a malady known as "Birthright Interuptus." She carefully plotted her course from Capitol Hill to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Nothing or Nobody would dare try to stop her. She thought of everything. God himself appeared before her to tap her shoulder and anoint her as his co-president. The man with countless millions of followers, the original inspirational orator, he of the flowing white hair, the father who loved all people, the thick Arkansas drawl, the philanderer-in-chief and blessed with the only ego larger than Hillary. Ladies and Gentlemen, allow me to introduce the man we call God, William Jefferson Almighty Clinton.

Great concept, captivating story, mesmerizing plot, stunning ending. Next Tuesday, this long, contentious campaign should come to an end. Anything can happen and it always does, but for Hillary to become the democratic nominee, a political version of football's Hail Mary pass would need to be repeatedly completed. For the sake of the democratic party and everybody who agrees we need a breath of fresh air, let us pray it doesn't. After enduring eight years of the stench of the rotting Bush administration, here's hoping the voters in Ohio and Texas cut through all the bull feces and choose wisely this time.

I was so disgusted watching an adult who aspires to be the first female president, acting like a petty, spoiled child taking the low road when the high road was so free of traffic. How many past serious candidates for president ever parroted a biased, unfunny Saturday Night Live skit as the model for the principles debates should adhere to? Tina Fey, who believes herself to be the funniest woman she knows, lampooned every objective news reporting outlet working today simply because they haven't bent over and moistened Hillary's female derriere like she has. I have no problem with any SNL skit. That's because I'm not under any obligation to watch it. But when presidential candidate and US Senator Hillary Clinton cites specific dialog from the program to complain of her perceived mistreatment, the viewers are left to roll their eyes, shake their heads and wonder if all that polyester hasn't caused an interruption in oxygen flow to her brain.

Then Hillary did something I haven't taken part in since elementary school. She whined like a spoiled child to moderator Tim Russert as to whyyyyy she always has to go first. Research showed that prior to the last debate, Hillary was asked the first question five times in the last nine debates. 55% does not constitute all. But if she was asked the second question, I'm positive she would have whined about that too. Whiners are bottom feeders. Winners rise to the top. Another unattractive trait of Ms. Clinton is the incessant need to always have to get the last word in, to mock her opponent and his supporters with her fake makeup cracking smile and then take credit for everything good and treat every failure as if it were a leper.

She also lies like a discounted Wal-Mart toupee by claiming she's working on getting her tax returns and archived papers released. I will bet my liver those returns or papers will never see the light of day until after her "ready to lead from day one" ass is planted in the oval office. The funny thing is, not one person believes that material would still be stashed away if it painted her in a remotely positive light. She'd be handing them out herself along with thousands of dollars worth of donuts she and her staff are wolfing down at a record pace. Everybody has heard the old cliche how "you can't have it both ways." Well, apparently everybody but Hillary. Sometimes you have to take the bad with the good, unless you're Hillary. Senator Clinton in a matter of two months has gone from the "can't lose to can't win kid candidate." She was very gracious when she simply couldn't come up with one scenario in a million she could lose. My oh my has that pronouncement taken a 180 degree turn. Her head was held high above the fray as she discussed ideas as opposed to which candidate goes first. She cited ambitious ideas whereas now she cites favorable Saturday Night Live skit lines.

If she chooses to do that, she might want to watch an old clip of another SNL broadcast. The late John Belushi's "the thing that wouldn't leave" skit. Belushi portrayed a kind of sad, boring party guest who stayed too long after a houseparty ended. The hosts did everything possible to convince him to leave without overtly coming out and being rude. But Belushi just couldn't take a hint. It was time to go, but he just wouldn't leave. Hillary, don't be that Belushi character. You be classy just like San Diego. You walk away with your head held high, your dignity in tact and with the determination to live to fight another day. Isn't that better than the shrill, shrewish fingernail scraping on the blackboard whiner that has to be muffled by a commemorative Saturday Night Live pillow? Oh, I almost forgot, PLEASE take Bill with you.....

Monday, February 25, 2008

Analysis Starts With ANAL For a Reason!!


Analysis, Speculation and Opinion is the electronic and journalistic equivalent of the fictionalized law firm of Dewey, Cheatem and Howe. Talking heads on your television analyze far more than explain. They speculate far more than they substantiate. They opine far more than they report. Welcome to the 21st century wide world of broadcast news. 24 hour nonstop daily news coverage is now more about filling time with enquirer like fluff than filling minds with straightforward professional news. It seems more the rule than the exception nowadays that if you see a round table of self appointed experts discussing the major issues of the day, those particular issues are neither major or even issues for that matter. They're the kind of nonsensical gossip, amateur psychobabble and high school like theories about whether or not the biology teacher, Mr. Catania, is dying his hair. Has television journalism been trivialized from breaking views to faking news? Just this past week illustrates a few of my suppositions.

The first major bone of contention of the week was rampant speculation regarding whether or not Hillary was going to bare her "ready to lead from day one" fangs and plunge them into Barack Obama's jugular vein on Thursday night's 19th presidential debate held in Austin, Texas and televised worldwide on CNN. Firstly, how much can you really learn about candidates after they've squared off a mere 18 times in the past few months? If you have 19 or 20, then and only then does it become definitive. These pundits do after all insist the candidates supply them with enough trivial gossip to run for at least three news cycles. After repeated analysis, speculation and opinions, it turns out none of the pre-game hype regarding a bare knuckled, bare chested bar fight was going down. Hillary placated her base by half heartedly pawing Obama with the impotent plagiarism and inexperience references and was audibly smacked down both times. Hillary looked like an old, frustrated and resigned runner up candidate with a big xeroxed X stamped squarely across her face. Out with the old and in with the new. In her closing statement, only she and her handlers knew if she was working the pity party ploy or preparing for inevitable defeat. Thank God the talking heads were at their battle stations ready to offer their unique brand of canned blather for we, the masses.

Last week also saw the New York Times submit news that doesn't appear fit to be printed regarding Senator Johnny Mac. Where it's true that John "my friends" McCain has more lobbyists on his payroll than Major League Baseball has steroid and human growth hormone users on theirs, they failed to demonstrably support their claim that Old Mac was trading senatorial influence for sexual gratification. The first thing they teach you in law school is that any living person can accuse any other living person of any act as long as he or she can back it up with a little something called corroborating evidence. The Times thus far has been unable to do so but the analysts are diving in both head and feet first. You think he did it? I don't know, do you? I don't know, maybe. He was tortured. I know, his wife scares me too, I think she's an ice sculpture. No, not her you idiot, he was shot down in Vietnam. Oh yeah, I forgot. I hadn't heard him mention that in almost 24 hours. Wait, I thought he was America's mayor. You nitwit, that's Booty Fooliani from the island of "nine - one - one". Whatever happened to him? I think he's a condo president in Del Boca Vista. Enough already. We get the point.

Now we're almost ready for another debate between Hillary and her daddy, Barack Obama. All day Monday and Tuesday, team Anal will speculate and opine about last weeks debate while preparing for number 20 Tuesday evening. The same basic analysis will be revived that was beaten to death just last week. They will spoon it out and you are prepared to come back for seconds. Not this sophisticated man of the world. I'm going to analyze the news myself. I'm every bit as sharp as the guys and gals on cable news. The only difference is they wear more makeup than I do. I am going to sit down and figure this thing out for myself. As compelling as Wolf Blitzer and Chris Matthews are, I have something they don't. I have honesty. I don't have any sponsors, bosses, National Organizations of Women, Rifle Owners, Evangelicals or Clintons to worry about. I can say NOW causes significantly more negatives than positives for chicks. See, I just said chicks instead of sweeties or babydolls. If Matthews says that, he'll be bitch slapped and pimped off to Idaho to cover public bathroom dwellers with wide stances. I can say 99% of second amendment proponents are ill informed morons who substitute their big guns for their small penises. I can call Evangelicals dumbellicals and do often. In fact, I just did it again right now. I keep my anal equipment in my pants where it belongs. The Cable News Teams wear their anals on their sleeves. Never forget, a good anal should rarely ever be seen and definitely never be heard........

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