Friday, February 29, 2008

Which One is Dumb? Which One is Dumber?

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I understand the motivational factors that propel people forward with nothing to lose. It's about freedom. As Kris Kristofferson wrote millions of years ago, "Freedom's just another word for nothin left to lose, And nothin aint worth nothin but its free." So with the essence of nothing having been clearly defined, we are now much more qualified to discuss what motivates the current political versions of yin and yang, Ralph Nader and Mike Huckabee. Two of the duller blades in the medicine cabinet of life both would lead you to believe that they should be President of the United States. When you think about it, why shouldn't they? Whereas this country may be lacking when it comes to natural resources, good jobs, affordable health care and quality education, it certainly can claim an abundance of riches when it comes to gun ownership, intolerance, misguided patriotism and lack of leadership. This has to at least partially explain why Nader and Huckabee's steadfast claims they should be president haven't entirely fallen on deaf ears.

I fully realize the doors to political Hades swung wide open in 2000 when the majority of the American electorate gave our dumbest, least qualified citizen the keys to the Oval Office. The U.S. will be paying for that catastrophe for many years to come. It's not enough, however, to say at least Nader and Huckabee are brighter than Bush. Hell, we all have flashlights loaded with three year old batteries that are brighter than Bush. You can't claim weeks of hard studying really paid off when you improve your test score in World Geography from 42% to 47%, just because you can now pinpoint China on a wall map. You still failed miserably, but at least you're smarter than the guy in the Fed Ex commercial who confused China with Greenland. Just try to remember, that was a comedic based commercial, you're theoretically in real life. Right now anybody who's considering voting for Huck or Ralphie Boy has to sit down, take a deep breath and ask yourself "what's wrong with me and why on earth am I even considering this?"

Andy Warhol many years ago claimed that as a result of our media driven obsession with the spotlight, every man, woman and child would eventually have his or her 15 minutes of fame. This seems sufficient for most people. I can think of a few things I would like to do to get me on the Colbert Report. With censorship still healthily thriving even on an opinion driven blog such as this, I'm going to limit my comments to the fact that what I'm specifically thinking may in fact need some strong editing. But getting back to Mike Hucklehead and Ralph Knucklehead, what you have is a 74 year old professional presidential candidate and his 52 year old understudy. Much like the annual emergence of the groundhogs, we have candidates who seemingly are prepared to crawl out of their burrows every four years to make a futile run for the presidency. Some would say, ask not what your country can do for you, but what can your country do for you to make money.

Once Senator Grandpa "My Friends" McCain mathematically nails down the republican nomination for president, what's Huck going to do with the rest of life? I mean once you've spent time before adoring crowds in Iowa, New Hampshire and South Carolina, how can you go back to the bright lights of Hooterville, Arkansas. As exciting as Saturday night dinner at the Rotary Club and a barbecued squirrel supper tailgate party at the Wal-mart may appear to most people, it just lacks the excitement of the campaign trail. These events are rife with speeches and the inevitable action news team interview. It pays better too. Much like Nader, the Hick from Hope will be very much in demand on the lecture circuit. Who wouldn't want to pay $150 for a plate of frozen chicken wings and lima beans and then for dessert, be regaled with stories from the road to the White House. If you're really lucky, Huck will do some Sunday preaching and then debunk Darwin's theories of evolution. Who needs Darwin when any Tom, Dick or Hucky will do?

Both perennials are fully cognizant of the fact they have no chance of winning, but any well paid job for current doers of nothing is more financially rewarding than the presidency. Don't take my word for it, ask George W Bush how hard it is to be the consummate screw up. Bush's 24/7 schedule would destroy the average man or woman. 24 hours per week and 7 months per year is a grueling pace for any mere mortal. However, Americans catch on eventually. Why let Mike and Ralph sop up all the failed candidate gravy. You too in the privacy of your own home can learn to turn failure into big bucks. For the low, low price of $249.99 plus shipping and handling, you will receive the home version of How to be a Loser. Act like an idiot, ignore science, ignore reality, branch out from being a local embarrassment to a national one. Give speeches, 1001 jokes to tell yourself while you laugh all the way to the bank. The possibilities are endless. So who's the real dumb one, Veritas? I'm going to saute me some squirrel drumsticks and spam in sausage gravy right now and have to get back to you on that one. In the interim, anybody want to hire me to make a speech? Anybody? Anybody at all....

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Would You Like a Pillow With Your Whine?

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The 20th and mercifully final democratic debate concluded Tuesday evening in Cleveland, Ohio. Whoever coined the phrase "enough is enough" must have envisioned just such a self-replicating event as the latest 90 minute battle for the hearts and minds of democratic voters everywhere. I unapologetically am not neutral and fervently support Barack Obama. I feel more and more certain of my position every time I see the two of them sharing a stage. Senator Obama comes across as in command, thoughtful, worthy of respect and absent of the pettiness attributed to losers everywhere. Hillary on the other hand is shrill, a phony, egocentric and the very definition of petty. I watched some of Tuesday's debate and was sickened by the Princess of Pantsuits from the beginning. Hillary is afflicted with a malady known as "Birthright Interuptus." She carefully plotted her course from Capitol Hill to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Nothing or Nobody would dare try to stop her. She thought of everything. God himself appeared before her to tap her shoulder and anoint her as his co-president. The man with countless millions of followers, the original inspirational orator, he of the flowing white hair, the father who loved all people, the thick Arkansas drawl, the philanderer-in-chief and blessed with the only ego larger than Hillary. Ladies and Gentlemen, allow me to introduce the man we call God, William Jefferson Almighty Clinton.

Great concept, captivating story, mesmerizing plot, stunning ending. Next Tuesday, this long, contentious campaign should come to an end. Anything can happen and it always does, but for Hillary to become the democratic nominee, a political version of football's Hail Mary pass would need to be repeatedly completed. For the sake of the democratic party and everybody who agrees we need a breath of fresh air, let us pray it doesn't. After enduring eight years of the stench of the rotting Bush administration, here's hoping the voters in Ohio and Texas cut through all the bull feces and choose wisely this time.

I was so disgusted watching an adult who aspires to be the first female president, acting like a petty, spoiled child taking the low road when the high road was so free of traffic. How many past serious candidates for president ever parroted a biased, unfunny Saturday Night Live skit as the model for the principles debates should adhere to? Tina Fey, who believes herself to be the funniest woman she knows, lampooned every objective news reporting outlet working today simply because they haven't bent over and moistened Hillary's female derriere like she has. I have no problem with any SNL skit. That's because I'm not under any obligation to watch it. But when presidential candidate and US Senator Hillary Clinton cites specific dialog from the program to complain of her perceived mistreatment, the viewers are left to roll their eyes, shake their heads and wonder if all that polyester hasn't caused an interruption in oxygen flow to her brain.

Then Hillary did something I haven't taken part in since elementary school. She whined like a spoiled child to moderator Tim Russert as to whyyyyy she always has to go first. Research showed that prior to the last debate, Hillary was asked the first question five times in the last nine debates. 55% does not constitute all. But if she was asked the second question, I'm positive she would have whined about that too. Whiners are bottom feeders. Winners rise to the top. Another unattractive trait of Ms. Clinton is the incessant need to always have to get the last word in, to mock her opponent and his supporters with her fake makeup cracking smile and then take credit for everything good and treat every failure as if it were a leper.

She also lies like a discounted Wal-Mart toupee by claiming she's working on getting her tax returns and archived papers released. I will bet my liver those returns or papers will never see the light of day until after her "ready to lead from day one" ass is planted in the oval office. The funny thing is, not one person believes that material would still be stashed away if it painted her in a remotely positive light. She'd be handing them out herself along with thousands of dollars worth of donuts she and her staff are wolfing down at a record pace. Everybody has heard the old cliche how "you can't have it both ways." Well, apparently everybody but Hillary. Sometimes you have to take the bad with the good, unless you're Hillary. Senator Clinton in a matter of two months has gone from the "can't lose to can't win kid candidate." She was very gracious when she simply couldn't come up with one scenario in a million she could lose. My oh my has that pronouncement taken a 180 degree turn. Her head was held high above the fray as she discussed ideas as opposed to which candidate goes first. She cited ambitious ideas whereas now she cites favorable Saturday Night Live skit lines.

If she chooses to do that, she might want to watch an old clip of another SNL broadcast. The late John Belushi's "the thing that wouldn't leave" skit. Belushi portrayed a kind of sad, boring party guest who stayed too long after a houseparty ended. The hosts did everything possible to convince him to leave without overtly coming out and being rude. But Belushi just couldn't take a hint. It was time to go, but he just wouldn't leave. Hillary, don't be that Belushi character. You be classy just like San Diego. You walk away with your head held high, your dignity in tact and with the determination to live to fight another day. Isn't that better than the shrill, shrewish fingernail scraping on the blackboard whiner that has to be muffled by a commemorative Saturday Night Live pillow? Oh, I almost forgot, PLEASE take Bill with you.....

Monday, February 25, 2008

Analysis Starts With ANAL For a Reason!!


Analysis, Speculation and Opinion is the electronic and journalistic equivalent of the fictionalized law firm of Dewey, Cheatem and Howe. Talking heads on your television analyze far more than explain. They speculate far more than they substantiate. They opine far more than they report. Welcome to the 21st century wide world of broadcast news. 24 hour nonstop daily news coverage is now more about filling time with enquirer like fluff than filling minds with straightforward professional news. It seems more the rule than the exception nowadays that if you see a round table of self appointed experts discussing the major issues of the day, those particular issues are neither major or even issues for that matter. They're the kind of nonsensical gossip, amateur psychobabble and high school like theories about whether or not the biology teacher, Mr. Catania, is dying his hair. Has television journalism been trivialized from breaking views to faking news? Just this past week illustrates a few of my suppositions.

The first major bone of contention of the week was rampant speculation regarding whether or not Hillary was going to bare her "ready to lead from day one" fangs and plunge them into Barack Obama's jugular vein on Thursday night's 19th presidential debate held in Austin, Texas and televised worldwide on CNN. Firstly, how much can you really learn about candidates after they've squared off a mere 18 times in the past few months? If you have 19 or 20, then and only then does it become definitive. These pundits do after all insist the candidates supply them with enough trivial gossip to run for at least three news cycles. After repeated analysis, speculation and opinions, it turns out none of the pre-game hype regarding a bare knuckled, bare chested bar fight was going down. Hillary placated her base by half heartedly pawing Obama with the impotent plagiarism and inexperience references and was audibly smacked down both times. Hillary looked like an old, frustrated and resigned runner up candidate with a big xeroxed X stamped squarely across her face. Out with the old and in with the new. In her closing statement, only she and her handlers knew if she was working the pity party ploy or preparing for inevitable defeat. Thank God the talking heads were at their battle stations ready to offer their unique brand of canned blather for we, the masses.

Last week also saw the New York Times submit news that doesn't appear fit to be printed regarding Senator Johnny Mac. Where it's true that John "my friends" McCain has more lobbyists on his payroll than Major League Baseball has steroid and human growth hormone users on theirs, they failed to demonstrably support their claim that Old Mac was trading senatorial influence for sexual gratification. The first thing they teach you in law school is that any living person can accuse any other living person of any act as long as he or she can back it up with a little something called corroborating evidence. The Times thus far has been unable to do so but the analysts are diving in both head and feet first. You think he did it? I don't know, do you? I don't know, maybe. He was tortured. I know, his wife scares me too, I think she's an ice sculpture. No, not her you idiot, he was shot down in Vietnam. Oh yeah, I forgot. I hadn't heard him mention that in almost 24 hours. Wait, I thought he was America's mayor. You nitwit, that's Booty Fooliani from the island of "nine - one - one". Whatever happened to him? I think he's a condo president in Del Boca Vista. Enough already. We get the point.

Now we're almost ready for another debate between Hillary and her daddy, Barack Obama. All day Monday and Tuesday, team Anal will speculate and opine about last weeks debate while preparing for number 20 Tuesday evening. The same basic analysis will be revived that was beaten to death just last week. They will spoon it out and you are prepared to come back for seconds. Not this sophisticated man of the world. I'm going to analyze the news myself. I'm every bit as sharp as the guys and gals on cable news. The only difference is they wear more makeup than I do. I am going to sit down and figure this thing out for myself. As compelling as Wolf Blitzer and Chris Matthews are, I have something they don't. I have honesty. I don't have any sponsors, bosses, National Organizations of Women, Rifle Owners, Evangelicals or Clintons to worry about. I can say NOW causes significantly more negatives than positives for chicks. See, I just said chicks instead of sweeties or babydolls. If Matthews says that, he'll be bitch slapped and pimped off to Idaho to cover public bathroom dwellers with wide stances. I can say 99% of second amendment proponents are ill informed morons who substitute their big guns for their small penises. I can call Evangelicals dumbellicals and do often. In fact, I just did it again right now. I keep my anal equipment in my pants where it belongs. The Cable News Teams wear their anals on their sleeves. Never forget, a good anal should rarely ever be seen and definitely never be heard........

Friday, February 22, 2008

Sex, Drugs, Politics & more Sexxxxxxxxxxx!

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Repeat after me, SEX! Wow, we've just said a mouthful so to speak. When the sex word is even hinted at nowadays, so many seemingly normal people morph into their grandmother and need a big swig of farm fresh warm milk. Whenever I hear people generalize and talk about how come the leading country in the world can't manage to come up with more desirable candidates than Mitt Romney, Mike Huckabee and George W. Bush, just to name a very few, I just shake my head and laugh out loud. I happen to know the problem revolves around the fact that it's becoming increasingly difficult to find real human beings who've led exemplary if not perfect lives. If you're a middle aged man or woman and announce you're running for the presidency of the United States of America, your closet is about to ripped open, closely scrutinized and vetted within an inch of its life. Barack Obama found out earlier this year, that not even his ambitions and philosophies of life as a kindergarten student were exempt from deep probing and careful analysis. I myself as a kindergarten student once threw a kid's baseball cap in the toilet during a truculent dispute outside of the boy's bathroom. This momentary lapse of judgment and subsequent tortious act of personal property destruction virtually assured any future political aspirations I may have had were literally flushed along with poor Bobby's hat.

Fortunately my youthful indiscretions including premarital golf course sex, underage drinking and inhalation of marijuana cigarettes didn't take place until my decadent teen years. The fact I'm admitting to all this on such a highly regarded internet based forum such as Breaking Views has sunk any possible presidential plans for myself much like that North Atlantic iceberg did to the Titanic nearly a century ago. You can't be an aggressive five year old anymore than you can be a horny fifteen year old and think you have a political future once your Pandora's Box contents are strewn all over CNN, MSNBC and Fox Noise. Speaking of the Moe, Larry and Curly of cable news outlets, all three are in an absolute dither over a published New York Times front page article that absent of corroboration, alleges that the republican, great grandfatherly, presumptive nominee for president, John McCain, may have possibly had an "inappropriate" relationship with a female lobbyist more than 30 years his junior back in 2000. I sincerely hope the article turns out to be untrue. Don't get me wrong, I'm in no way a fan or supporter of the jowled septuagenarian from Arizona. But the mere thought of this guy who looks 100 yet comes across as much older when he speaks, having sex with anybody gives me a chill that I thought global warming would no longer permit.

As far as I'm concerned, the only candidates that made a legitimate bid for the White House that displayed any real human qualities were John Edwards and Barack Obama. Despite all the probing and examining by news outlets and political rivals, no sex scandals have been produced to date. Edwards was mostly raked over the political coals because he paid $400 for a haircut while championing the rights of poor people. Unfortunately it's true that a great many hard working Americans toil 40 hours per week for less than the cost of an Edwards trip to the salon, but so what. Even Bill Gates and Warren Buffet combined couldn't provide every man, woman and child living below the poverty line with $400 and not wind up there themselves. If Edwards runs again in the future, I would advise him to go to a barber college or get his head shaved clean. Perhaps he could just announce he smoked a joint or perused a Hustler Magazine back in the 80's to offset his compulsive, obsessive tonsorial desires. Soon to be President Obama apparently smoked some joints and even snorted cocaine more than 30 years ago as a teenager. Oh my God, the one teen in US History that didn't say NO to drugs now has the audacity to be our president as well as to hope? I'm feeling faint. I need a shot of vodka and a cupcake. Why do so many Americans believe with such zeal and fervor that they can do anything they want, but that you and I can't? To paraphrase Tom Hanks as Jimmy Dugan, There's no hypocrisy in baseball, just in real life it would seem.

Why do people hold others to higher standards than they hold themselves? I remember reading about a big, fat, former Illinois Congressman named Henry Hyde. This republican sack of excrement was one of the most vocal proponents for impeachment of Bill Clinton during the 90's. He cited morality so vociferously and often, somebody finally decided to more closely inspect the life of the obese Illinois Jesus. That's right, Congressman Morality orchestrated and carried on in a four year extramarital affair in the swinging 60's. When the news became public that the patriotic congressman with the RED face, WHITE hair, and BLUE testicles had a four year sex affair without his wife's input or knowledge, Hyde simply dismissed the incident by claiming it was merely a "youthful indiscretion". Yeah ok Sonny. The affair took place when Hyde ranged in age from 41 to 45. In other words, barely out of the womb. I could list hypocritical weasels for years here and never run short on material. But that's really not the point, however. The point is that in life as in politics. you get what you pay for.

Do you really want simplistic robots that lead lives so squeaky clean and virtuous, that they're not even human? Do you want a game show host looking, varmint hunting, flip flopper with magic underwear who was named after a piece of baseball equipment singing I Feel Pretty, Oh So Pretty while your country continues downward on the express elevator to the abyss? I mean why not build a colony on Mars and start growing and raising future candidates free of sex, drugs, rock 'n roll or any human qualities whatsoever for that matter? Do you want a person that's actually lived his or her life or somebody that appears to be hooked up and manipulated through an xbox controller? (ie. Laura Bush, Cindy McCain and any republican who claims to be of higher moral fiber than you are) Just try to remember that if you prefer your candidates to be the laboratory grown, absent of human qualities type, they need constant fertilization. When I look at the bulk of today's political landscape, I don't see very many real humans, but sadly, I do see many examples of human fertilizer....

Thursday, February 21, 2008

If a Loser Gave a Speech & Nobody Heard It


Did the speech make a sound? I'm now prepared to officially declare the Classless Contessa of Polyester Pantsuits the winner of the silver medal in the 2008 democratic nomination for President of the United States. She will play Ed McMahon to Barack Obama's Johnny Carson. She will be the bridesmaid to the bride. She will be the Karl Rove to George W. Bush. She will be the George W. Bush to Dick Cheney. She will be the every cliche number two to the every cliche number one. It's time to stick a fork in the toast, because the toast is the second banana. The 2008 World Series and Superbowl of politics is all set to be played and Hillary has been dispatched to the presidential penalty box along with Romney, Giuliani, Edwards, Kucinch, et al. No presidential soup for you Hillary. No brass ring. No big enchilada. No new china patterns selected by First Laddie, hillBILLy Clinton. It's all over but the shouting. So the question we're left to ask is: What exactly do you plan on shouting and just how long do you plan on shouting it?

The symbolic presidential coffin of Hillary Clinton still has room for a few more nails after Tuesday night's primaries in Wisconsin and Hawaii. But those limited spots should vanish after voters in Texas and Ohio have their say on March 4th. Obama, by virtue of ten straight primary victories, has taken a commanding 1,168 - 1,018 lead in locked in, committed pledged delegates. The borderline corrupt third world like process of uncommitted superdelegates right now favors Hillary by a 282 - 216 margin. So overall Obama leads Clinton by a count of 1,384 - 1,300. A total of 2,025 delegates are needed to clinch the nomination. When push comes to shove, I have to believe in an election process as transparent as this one is, no major political party would dare undermine the will of the people and allow 795 smoked up and back room hotshots to usurp the will of millions of primary voters and caucus attendees. I believe such an act would destroy the democratic party and in effect set up a monarchy for the republicans.

So with Texas and Ohio finding themselves as the potential decisive battlefields remaining, what will Team Hillary do should they be defeated in both primaries less than two weeks from now? They could ignore reality and continue with their deceitful stratagem of spinning and cooking the books to make it appear that Obama is not even close to officially sewing up the nomination or they could stall and delay by claiming they can win the last big state of Pennsylvania on April 22nd. They could also rehash how they won primary contests that never officially even took place in Michigan and Florida. I'm convinced election officials in Florida become hopelessly confused and borderline encephalopathic when they must count more than one vote. The bottom line is now and shall remain, that due to the nature of States proportionally designating delegates, Hillary would have to win the rest of the available states by a minimum of a two to one margin. That would seem an impossible task for a candidate that has been electorally trounced in ten consecutive primaries and caucuses since Super Tuesday.

Depending on your personal point of view, you have to either marvel at Hillary's chutzpah, derisively shake your head and roll your eyes in mock laughter, or maybe even feel a certain empathy for this woman who was conducting a detailed inventory of her chickens during the initial egg stage. The more she loses, the more she claims victory. The wider the margins of those defeats, the more elaborate the excuses become. The more occurrences where gracious humility is called for, the more maliciously negative her rhetoric becomes. If this campaign were a boxing match, any decent human would be urging the referee to step in and stop the battle before irreparable brain damage were to take place to a virtually defenseless combatant.

Tuesday night, just moments after the polls closed in Wisconsin, all the major news organizations rushed to proclaim Barack Obama the official winner over Hillary Clinton as he rolled to his ninth straight victory. Protocol dictates the loser come before the cameras first and graciously congratulate the victor on their hard earned win and if feasible, announce your plans for the next battle ahead. Not our Hillary, however. Her staff managed to assemble a cheering throng of supporters to feverishly whoop it up for her as Hillary awkwardly smiled like a bad actress showing glee. She also applauded the supporters as she rhythmically pointed into the crowd as if she's identifying a potential felon in a police lineup. She then looks to the camera and makes her canned stump speech about how great things are, comments completely devoid of reality.

Much to their credit,Team Obama finally had enough. Less than ten minutes into her delusional rantings, Senator Obama took a different stage in a different state to offer an actual interpretation of reality. A truthful one in fact. All the news networks immediately cut to Obama, leaving Hillary all alone with zero media coverage congratulating herself as she rehashed the ready from day one crap, the 35 years of experience bit, and the assorted so on and on and on and on pablum. But this time nobody heard her because all eyes and ears were focused on Senator Obama. So, much like the age old question of whether a tree falling in the woods make a sound if nobody hears it, did anybody wonder how another loss translates into another victory if nobody heard it? If I were you, I wouldn't worry. Hillary, I'm sure, will make the same speech on March 4th. I would much rather sit in the woods, however, and listen for the proverbial tree to fall. Even if I hear nothing at all, it will be significantly more worthwhile than anything I hear from Hillary......

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

If America Grows Up, The Pols Will Follow!


I'm sure we all remember how as children we lacked the necessary mental acuities to settle our disputes with reasonable dialog that would ultimately lead to a resolute compromise. We often instead settled our philosophical differences by taking part in a slap fight or by spewing a barrage of well thought out names such as butt-face and duty-head. Now that we've grown up into educated, intellectually minded adults, we have graduated to names such as liberal and unpatriotic. The truest truism I ever heard was that intelligent people talk about ideas whereas stupid people talk about other people. You owe it to your country, the world community you're supposed to be a leader of and the billions of people affected by United States policies to think as an intelligent individual, rather than that of a spokesperson for a narrow minded constituency. We the People was meant to be inclusive for all people. When a serious candidate for president of all the people warns a segment of people that they are in grave danger if his opponent is elected, he must abdicate his role as a leader and instead declare his role as an advocate.

I once remember watching a movie called The American President. Michael Douglas portrayed a widowed, liberal president named Andrew Shepherd who was preparing for his re-election campaign against an ultra conservative nominee named Senator Bob Rumson. The senator portrayed by Richard Dreyfuss was willing to viciously attack a president with strong anti-conservative views and even drag his liberal leaning girlfriend into the mix. It seemed the girlfriend, Sydney Ellen Wade played by Annette Benning, once burned an American Flag during a protest rally. Her character posed a most interesting question in the context of the film when she asked the president: "How do you have patience for people who claim they love America, but clearly can't stand Americans?" I've never been able to reconcile that question either. How can a person who clearly represents a loathing of large segments of people that don't share their views on one hand, claim they want to be their president and lead them as well? How does a presidential nominee claim his opponent will in affect commit treason and cowardly relinquish our independence to a comparative handful of zealot terrorists halfway around the world?

In The American President, the fictitious Andrew Shepherd wondered the same and gave what I thought to be a most brilliant response when he said: "For the last couple of months, Senator Rumson has suggested that being president of this country was, to a certain extent, about character, and although I have not been willing to engage in his attacks on me, I've been here three years and three days, and I can tell you without hesitation: Being President of this country is entirely about character. For the record: yes, I am a card-carrying member of the ACLU. But the more important question is why aren't you, Bob? Now, this is an organization whose sole purpose is to defend the Bill of Rights, so it naturally begs the question: Why would a senator, his party's most powerful spokesman and a candidate for President, choose to reject upholding the Constitution? If you can answer that question, folks, then you're smarter than I am, because I didn't understand it until a few hours ago. America isn't easy. America is advanced citizenship. You gotta want it bad, 'cause it's gonna put up a fight. It's gonna say "You want free speech? Let's see you acknowledge a man whose words make your blood boil, who's standing center stage and advocating at the top of his lungs that which you would spend a lifetime opposing at the top of yours. You want to claim this land as the land of the free? Then the symbol of your country can't just be a flag; the symbol also has to be one of its citizens exercising his right to burn that flag in protest. Show me that, defend that, celebrate that in your classrooms. Then, you can stand up and sing about the "land of the free". I've known Bob Rumson for years, and I've been operating under the assumption that the reason Bob devotes so much time and energy to shouting at the rain was that he simply didn't get it. Well, I was wrong. Bob's problem isn't that he doesn't get it. Bob's problem is that he can't sell it! We have serious problems to solve, and we need serious people to solve them. And whatever your particular problem is, I promise you, Bob Rumson is not the least bit interested in solving it. He is interested in two things and two things only: making you afraid of it and telling you who's to blame for it. That, ladies and gentlemen, is how you win elections. You gather a group of middle-aged, middle-class, middle-income voters who remember with longing an easier time, and you talk to them about family and American values and character. And wave an old photo of the President's girlfriend and you scream about patriotism and you tell them, she's to blame for their lot in life, and you go on television and you call her a whore. Sydney Ellen Wade has done nothing to you, Bob. She has done nothing but put herself through school, represent the interests of public school teachers, and lobby for the safety of our natural resources. You want a character debate, Bob? You better stick with me, 'cause Sydney Ellen Wade is way out of your league."

You have to remind yourself that this is dialog from a movie and not real. If the only way you can be elected President of the United States is by name calling, making differences of opinions into litmus tests of patriotism, misrepresenting your opponent's positions and by creating and provoking an environment that pits one segment of America against another, you're not about uniting this country for the good of all. You're about fracturing the country for the good of yourself. You're not a president in the mold of Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln and FDR. You're a dictator in the mold of Hitler, Stalin, bin Laden and George W. Bush. A football coach once in addressing our team said that we only win as individuals when the the team wins as a whole. When you hate your neighbors like you hate your enemies, you may win that battle, but ultimately lose the war. Nobody likes to lose, but if the only way you can win is to hate your opponent more than your opponent hates you; you're a loser. Right now, we have one candidate that's talking about inclusion. That candidate has my vote. That candidate is Barack Obama.......

Monday, February 18, 2008

2nd Amendment - Right to Shoot Mouth Off!


Guns, Sex, Rock n Roll and Jesus. Wouldn't that make a much better greeting from Lady Liberty than that tired old "Give us your poor, your tired, your huddled masses longing to be free" crap? Seeing as most immigrants nowadays enter the United States over, under and through fences protecting our sovereign border with Mexico anyway, what possible difference could it make. It seems that the once most recognizable symbol of freedom the world over is little more than a prime target for explosives carrying terrorists these days. Fortunately for us, however, we are a civilized nation of 300 million patriots, ready to defend the Ellis Island landmark at the drop of a hat. We certainly have the capability to do so, because we're also a nation that has 280 million guns in circulation. That's right Tex. Give us your hand guns, your shotguns, your automatic rifles, your rocket propelled grenade launchers, your bazookas longing to kill and maim. That's not exactly true, however. People aren't giving anybody their guns. In fact, they're buying more guns at a rate higher than babies are being born. The United States will soon have more guns than it does citizens. Doesn't that make you feel blissfully safe and secure in your home with your spouse, 2.4 children and five deadbolt locks on every door?

How much hypocrisy is required to refer to yourself as a pillar of morality, a God fearing humble Christian, a protector of the unborn and a guy with enough guns and ammunition to invade and capture Guam? We have something in this country much better than hypocrisy, we have the second amendment to the Constitution. You constitutional scholars are very familiar with this addition to the US Constitution ratified in 1791, that states as follows:
“A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed." Simply put, I can own me all the guns I wants. People who couldn't tell you the difference between the constitution and prostitution (ie. George W. Bush) know all they need to know. They have the constitutionally protected and guaranteed right to hunt varmints armed only with their wits, an uzi and a six pack of colt 45 malt liquor. Some people even believe they can go to a local high school or college campus and randomly shoot students and faculty in the head with their legally purchased guns.

The latest but certainly not the last example of this expression of freedom took place on Valentines Day at Northern Illinois University. This is the academic home to 25,000 students in DeKalb, Illinois about 65 miles west of Chicago. It seems a former student dressed in black opened fire with a shotgun and two handguns from the stage of a lecture hall killing five students and injuring 16 others before committing suicide, authorities said. The gunman, Steven Kazmierczak, 27, a one-time undergraduate and award-winning sociology graduate student at NIU, was "revered by faculty and staff," and gave "no indication that this was the type of person who would engage in this activity," said campus Police Chief Donald Grady. Kazmierczak, dressed in black, was armed with three handguns and a shotgun, as students took cover beneath desks and ran out of the lecture hall. He was later found dead from a self-inflicted gunshot wound, police said. Kazmierczak bought two weapons Saturday — a Remington 12-gauge shotgun and a 9 mm Glock pistol — at a gun store in Champaign, Ill. From the same firearms dealer, he obtained a Hi Point 380 pistol on Dec. 30, 2007 and an SIG Sauer 9 mm pistol on Aug. 6, 2007. Kazmierczak had no police record, allowing him to qualify to buy the guns under the state's gun laws, sources said. I'm sure the fact all four weapons were purchased legally are of great comfort to the victims' families and friends.

Now comes the classic NRA argument that guns don't kill people, people kill people. Call me an anarchist, but I don't think this psychotic punk from Illinois, or that sick bastard at Virginia Tech, the Columbine High School misfits or too many to count other senseless murders would have taken place at all if the killers were not heavily armed with legally purchased, second amendment protected guns. These guys had more actual weapons than Saddam had weapons of mass destruction. But as one time NRA President and current Alzheimer victim Charlton Heston said after a five year old boy shot a five year old girl to death, "From my cold dead hands." That was the only way you could take his gun away from him. His sanity went with much less of a fight it would seem. Chuck uttered that immortal line at a pro gun rally in the home town of the five year old girl days after she was shot and buried. The first amendment protected that moment of mass stupidity as well.

What really can you say? You can say Americans love guns so much so in fact, they would kill anybody trying to legally challenge their rights as gun owners. Truth be told, most gun owners would wet their pants and shoot off their own toes before they gun down a "perp" invading their castle. But lack of toes are a minor inconvenience when balanced by the right to bear arms. More murders are committed in the USA every year than all civilized countries worldwide combined. The authors of the constitution realized this was a brand spanking new country. The citizens needed to protect themselves from foreign aggressors out of necessity rather than the need to feel macho. They needed to hunt for food, not for bragging rights and beer. They were fighting for their very survival, not at students attending a lecture in Dekalb, Illinois or Blacksburg, Virginia. Guns don't kill people? Yeah they do. Nobody enters a lecture hall to kill and wound dozens of people armed only with their wits. Vice Presidents don't chicken out of going to war because of the fear of getting shot, then mistaking a 78 year old man for a small bird with a slingshot. Nobody breaks into your house and rips your gun from your shaking hand and shoots you dead for $20 in cash and a gold necklace without having a gun.

This weekend, I bet gun shops did big business selling more guns to more people to protect more second amendment rights. You want to protect yourself from being shot? Get rid of your guns. Then you can sit back and laugh at all the tough guys shooting off their mouths instead of you going to the emergency room having to explain how you shot off your toes....

Friday, February 15, 2008

Let's All Get Together and Observe This!!!

peeping tom

I overwhelmingly agree with the modern day John Bartlett of Bartlett's Quotations fame, Yogi Berra, who once profoundly stated, "You can observe a lot by just watching." The Yogi sure said a mouthful with that one. I believe the deeper you look into a person, the shallower they appear. The Chinese have designated 2008 as the Year of the Rat. I am satisfied with that but would be equally happy dubbing 2008 as the Year of the Weasel. Try and imagine we are still nearly nine months away from voting for the man, antediluvian or pantsuit that will become our 44th president and lead the free world for at least the next four years. The more you watch and listen to some of these politicians, the less you retain. But some of their rhetoric is so pathetic, so hypocritical and so self serving you don't know whether to vomit or hysterically laugh. While you're either deciding or performing one or both of the aforementioned options, feel free to read on.

Senator John McCain, the soon to be official republican nominee, is a straight shooter, a maverick, a moderate, a conservative, a whatever will get him a vote and a partridge in a pear tree. He became the republican nominee by beating a man he clearly loathes named Willard "Mitt" Romney. Willard the CEO and Mitt the candidate decided paying over $1 million per pledged delegate was not cost effective. His kids were afraid their depleted inheritance might force them to drive a greyhound bus instead of daddy's campaign bus. But the one positive in this cesspool of politics 101 was the fact that Johnny Mac and MittFlop loved each other about as much a suede blazer loves sleet. But there they were together on the same stage pledging their eternal love for one another while Mitt was endorsing McCain for president. I was waiting for the two of them to walk off the stage hand in hand, french kissing one another to the theme of Love Story playing softly in the background.

Speaking of hypocritical hand puppets, that leads us to Gomer and Goober's inbred cousin, Mike Huckabee. The Huckmeister lived up to his nickname today by taking a day off from his moronic yet futile presidential bid for his republican nomination by making an important policy speech in the Cayman Islands. Did I write the Cayman Islands? Oh my God, I did. I understand the wealthy caribbean nation rarely gets to see let alone hear a genuine current doofus and former Arkansas Governor give a speech, but that all changed today. Huck was paid in real currency to address a group of young Cayman professionals today. Professional whats? Doctors, Lawyers, Wrestlers or Sausage Stuffers? The entire concept is mind boggling. Huckabee defended himself by saying the reason he did this was because as a taxpayer, he was in effect paying Senators Obama, Clinton, and McCain's salaries as they were gallivanting across the country campaigning for the very job he wanted. Where I agree that America is heading towards hell in a handbasket, we're not there yet, so Huckabee should stick to giving foreign soil speeches. I understand his next speech is tentatively scheduled for Mississippi where he will discuss the practicality of inbreeding and 1001 ways to have fun with squirrels before eating them.

Did somebody say squirrels? Hillary Clinton, come on down. You're our next contestant on Oy Vey, Check Please. Hillary and team Clinton are no longer touting she's ready on day one to lead. She's no longer battle tested and tough. She's no longer the candidate with 35 years of experience and she's not going to cry no matter how mean everybody in the world is to her. She now is the SOLUTION candidate. I mean really, she can speechify as good as Obama if she wanted to. She could inspire generations of people voting for the first time if she wanted to. She could remind people of JFK if she wanted to. Hell, she could change the tired old ways of the past if she wanted to. But she doesn't want to. She's the SOLUTION candidate. You got a problem. Hillary got a solution. You got bills, Hillary got a solution. You being foreclosed, Hillary will give you a solution. You have a solution, Hillary has a solution for that too. Ladies and Gentlemen, we are a country of 300 million people. If McCain, Huckabee and Clinton are vying , we will be dying. I couldn't resist the rhyme, forgive me.

But seriously folks, 20 straight years of Bushes and Clintons and you want to sign on for eight more years? That's not solution, that's pollution. Barack Obama may not be perfect but the other choices aren't either. Nobody running has experience as president. But at least Obama offers a fresh start, fresh hope, fresh ideas and fresh air. Old people with experience think they know everything. They think because they support a political party, they are qualified to lead all the people. If that's the case, they're not thinking at all. They're supporting only themselves. If that's all you want, that's all you'll get. You have to want more to get more. I want the best. I want Barack Obama.....

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Hillary is Betting YOUR Future on Herself!


Hillary Clinton is betting her political future that you're an idiot. She's betting that I'm an idiot as well. She's helplessly standing by watching her once inevitable coronation disintegrate into a resounding defeat. There's little to be learned from watching a person display grace and class while the adoring masses ceremoniously anoint you with champagne, rose petals and beaming smiles. You can only see the true soul of a person when they've engaged their opponent on equal turf and relinquished their sword to the victor in a symbolic show of defeat. Whereas, there's no shame in acknowledging defeat after putting forth your best effort, there's an abundance of dishonor and disgrace when you assign blame in every direction, except from within.

I'll always remember the closing line from a movie about the late football player Brian Piccolo. The Chicago Bear running back died in 1970 at the age of 26 from cancer. He was seemingly a devoted husband, father and teammate to all he played with. In the movie aptly titled Brian's Song, Piccolo displayed unlimited courage in how hard he fought to make the Bear roster as a long shot prospect out of college and ultimately how he dealt with the disease that he knew would soon kill him. As you watched the closing scene of the movie, a narrator urged viewers not to remember how Brian Piccolo died, but instead how he lived. I don't ever want to forget that line because the meaning behind it is so applicable in how we as humans can approach both our successes and failures. Maybe Hillary Clinton needs an infusion of that same humility and responsibility as she reflects on the way her very own "song" is presently being played.

It never passes muster when you hear an individual in a team environment exalt in victory by proclaiming "I won," and later using that same analysis to lament in defeat by moaning "we lost." Sticking with that philosophy, Team Clinton was soundly routed in three more contests last evening. Maryland, Virginia and Washington D.C. voters overwhelmingly voted for Barack Obama ranging from nearly two to one to three to one margins. The only thing close about these primaries were the proximity of all three locales to the Potomac River and Chesapeake Bay. As is her usual practice, when the polling indicates her staff caused more one sided losses, she can't get to an airport soon enough to clandestinely skulk out of town to the next state that she plans to win on her own.

Team Clinton saw its ranks shrunk by two top staff members this week. Campaign manager Patti Solis Doyle and deputy campaign manger Mike Henry both "resigned" this week. They reigned? Let's be honest, they were fired like a gun at a shooting range. The white campaign manager was replaced by an African-American woman. A little late in the game to be playing the race card yet again. Hillary's caricature of a devoted and loyal husband already tried another version of that same card and was soundly body slammed for it. It's late in the third quarter. These cheap stunts of choreographing staff to fall on your sword are both ineffective and tawdry. Hillary needs to stop looking in every direction on the compass for people to blame and instead take a hard look at herself in the mirror. Stop claiming you're battle tested and tough one day and then sob like a school girl the next. Stop pimping your 28 year old plastic covered and porcelain daughter by having her cold call super delegates on your behalf and then excoriate the media for speaking of it. Stop citing the same tired "I have 35 years of experience and will be ready to lead on day one" and then refuse to list your tax returns or your personal papers under lock and key in your own husband's presidential library in Arkansas.

Presidential candidates must now think they exist only to accept personal gratitude and credit for successes. Failures are a result of everybody else. George W. Bush has taken this scenario to an artform only because he's a classically trained American idiot. You can never reason with an idiot or a drunk because they're either too mentally impaired or too stupid to comprehend what you're talking about. Bush, who excels in both categories, has that unique advantage that sober intellects can't compete with. Presidential campaigns are about laying out your vision for the coming four years. You can expound on this vision with bumper sticker slogans all you want, but mostly you need to give people a genuine reason to hope things will be better tomorrow than they are today. 35 years of "unexplained experience." Ready to lead, ready to lead what on day one and the self theorizing nonsense you're a battle tested commander-in-chief, are merely unsubstantiated slogans. Hillary is betting you are willing to act as the white bread to her gravy and just sop it up, eat it up and then shut it up. No I can't. I'm not about to bet my future on empty slogans from the past. I, instead, would rather bet my future on the hopes and dreams that Barack Obama offers, than risk them on the failures and nightmares that Hillary Clinton guarantees....

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Worms Have More Backbone than MSNBC!


MSNBC, or more accurately the Major Spineless division of NBC News, has struck yet again. Not with an iron fist, but with a silk swipe of their pink velvet gloves by indefinitely suspending one of their, if not finest, reporters David Shuster, late last week. MSNBC has once again adopted the philosophy that when you consistently place third in a three pony race, it is more advantageous to lose with your nose firmly planted in the posterior of number two, than believing in and supporting your people to stand tall and tell the truth. The suspension of Shuster once again demonstrates how gutless appeasement and capitulation trump courage and support in how MSNBC backs their on air personnel. Shuster is just the latest example of how a pathetic cable news outlet places more stock in political correctness than correctness itself.

If you're not familiar with the reasoning behind Shuster's unscheduled and unpaid vacation, it involved the Clinton Family. You're of course familiar with the Clinton's aren't you? They're creepy and they're kooky, mysterious and spooky, they're all together ooky, the Clinton Family. Now snap your fingers, you know the tune. Shuster's capital crime was expressing his first amendment rights. It was his very opinion as a seasoned, professional journalist, that prompted him to ask the question, "Doesn't it seem as if Chelsea is sort of being pimped out in some weird sort of way?" The former First Daughter, just a matter of weeks away from her 28th birthday, had momentarily stepped out of mommy's shadow to call everybody from cast members of The View, Hollywood celebrities and a large contingent of democratic super delegates to ask them to vote for her mommy. Has anybody ever even heard her voice? She's been kept under tighter lock and key more than the object of interest under a medieval chastity belt since birth. But as Senator Obama's victories continue to mount, the Clintons will make Karl Rove look more like a choirboy, than as simply the boyfriend of one.

Hillary Clinton wrote a letter to NBC News President Steve Capus on Saturday with the following: "Nothing justifies the kind of debasing language that David Shuster used and no temporary suspension or half-hearted apology is sufficient. I would urge you to look at the pattern of behavior on your network that seems to repeatedly lead to this sort of degrading language. There's a lot at stake for our country in this election. Surely, you can do your jobs as journalists and commentators and still keep the discourse civil and appropriate." This took place less than 24 hours after Capus already called Clinton on the phone to personally apologize. If you're not spewing lunch on the floor already, a man I had a lot of respect for, Keith Olbermann had to act the little schoolgirl bitch, by using part of his Friday night show to apologize to the Clintons on behalf of MSNBC calling Shuster's comment "utterly inappropriate and indefensible. We are, literally, dreadfully sorry." Hey Keith, next time you choose to blindside a colleague on air like that, dress appropriately in a white blouse, plaid skirt, white knee highs, black Mary Janes and a pink ribbon in your hair. If you're going to act the part, at least dress for it as well.

The Clintons, besides being all together ooky, are all together despicable too. Are there no depths to which Hillary and Bill won't sink? Is nothing out of bounds when it comes to getting their tired old corrupt asses back in the White House? Chelsea, as a 28 year old woman, should now act like a big girl instead of a little baby and speak for herself. A 28 year old shouldn't need her mommy to come out and whine on her behalf to get a man fired for speaking the truth, albeit by using a slightly inappropriate street term. Or is this merely a desperate act of a desperate woman in a desperate battle for president? The Clintons have already forced MSNBC to pimp Hardball's Chris Matthews into an on air apology for telling it like it is. Matthews didn't say pimp, however and never left air. MSNBC is so lame that they constantly finish third in the ratings behind tired old CNN and the Right Wing Reich at FOX. (I refuse to write news.) Now MSNBC will have to be nice and kiss the wide screen, rear projection back pocket of Hillary's pantsuit. Come on MSNBC, time to grow a pair so you can compete with the big boys like Hillary and Ann Coulter. Oh and Chelsea, next time mommy orders you to make phone calls on her behalf in order to beg people to vote for her, look her straight in her steely eyes and tell her to PIMP THIS!!!!

Monday, February 11, 2008

It's Too Damn Easy to Be a Republican!


I couldn't turn away. If you've ever crawled up an interstate at maybe 5 MPH for 20 minutes or so, because everybody in front of you just had to stop and look at the aftermath of a horrific accident, you have been where I just was. The horrific accident I saw, however, was taking place before my very eyes and ears. Recently announced former candidate for president, Willard "Mitt the Mormon" Romney, the Latter Day Taint himself, addressed CPAC, better known as the Conservative Political Action Committee or the American Nazi Party Third Reich, part II. These conventioneers have not only drunk the soul sacrificial kool-aid, they also smoked and snorted it as well. If you've ever watched a well produced and orchestrated film featuring invading zombies terrorizing the locals, you can categorically state that you witnessed Mitt's shameful and hyperbolic oratory. Mitt's divisive speech came a matter of minutes after it was announced he was "suspending" his campaign for the presidency. Did the GOP really use the term "suspending?" That's like a doctor telling a brand new widow her dearly departed husband suspended breathing moments before he was fitted with a toe tag. The business baron, who spent a fortune to bag very few delegates at the rate of $1.6 million per, didn't suspend his candidacy so much as the American public suspended it for him with a middle finger flip-flop off.

Two defining characteristics of republicans are that they seem to love the euphoria only a lobotomy brings and they love to uniformly applaud for simple minded speeches like the vintage monkey with a pair of cymbals. Republicans and democrats are slowly but surely becoming the Sunnis and Shias of the western hemisphere. There is such a growing hatred of one sect of Americans against the other, that I one day envision emerging world leader China leading a coalition of nations into occupying the United States. The republicans will enjoy an early advantage because you can't be a card carrying member without owning at least a dozen automatic deer hunting rifles and varmint six shooters. The democrats will eventually catch up, not so much because of superior intellect on their part, but inferior intellect on the part of the republicans. Every sentence in Mitt's reincarnation of General MacArthur's 1942 "I Shall Return" speech was written to illicit applause from the mouth breathing, non-blinking hypocrites of the New World Order set. Let's focus on the fact that Mitt didn't find a cure for lung cancer, he was merely reading an "I got my ass whipped by a ninety year old maverick" speech that appeared to be written by a middle schooler.

It's really not a closely guarded secret how to get hysterical applause at a Reagan Youth Rally function. Rule number 1 is say the name Ronald Reagan a minimum three times every 50 words. It doesn't matter if you're referencing pre or post Alzheimer Ronnie, nobody could really differentiate between the two versions anyway. You could be on page 83 of a 110 page speech on why George W. Bush was our most intellectually gifted president. At this point, even Laura is alternating between fighting off the urge to begin hysterically laughing and lapsing into a coma. You, out of nowhere, randomly blurt out the name Ronald Reagan, and the assembled crowd of lemmings will blindly erupt into a cacophony of guttural shrieks and goose-stepping stomps. Next, tout your own Rambo like courage and call all democrats cheese eating sissies. Mitt is perfect for this act of mockery. The conservative son of a Mexican born son of a polygamist served less time in the armed forces than Nicole Ritchie served in jail. In fact, his five patriotic sons chose to serve their country in a time of war by chauffering daddy's campaign bus deep into the corn stalks of Iowa instead of Iraq. That's my definition of courage. Then just spew out anti-tax, anti-immigration, anti- abortion, ant-liberal, anti-gay and anti-human rhetoric. But always remember to be for an anti-ballistic missile in every pot. Then scream out Ronald Reagan and step back for a moment as the audience explodes into a mouth foaming frenzy.

Now your people are ready to enlist as foot soldiers in the Reagan Revolution. Ahh, I love the smell of narrow minded hate mongers in the Grand "Storm Trooper" Ballroom at the Motel 6. You gaze out in the audience and see some of our countries' shining beacons of hope. Bill O'Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, Ann Coulter, Laura Ingraham, Glenn Beck, George W. Bush, Sean Hanity, Rupert Murdoch, Jack the Ripper, Karl Rove, Eva Braun, Fox News, Dick Cheney, Hermann Goerring, Joe Lieberman and Adolph Hitler just to name a few of the more rational conferees. These people should scare you. Not because of any havoc they, themselves could wreak. They're all spineless cowards who would be more likely to soil their pants at the first sign of physical confrontation than actually fight. Their power is their ability to metaphorically hypnotize people with bazookas in their basements and pea shooters in their attics. Their genius is limited to their ability to lead their adoring followers to shed their actual blood for their imagined courage. Every difficult task in life would be simple if you could manipulate somebody else to do it for you. The aforementioned roster above does that every time they open their mouths in proximity of your ears.

Maybe for once, you should applaud and cheer less, and listen and think more. Your puppeteers have become wealthy by telling you how to act. They'll keep making it as long as you keep buying it. A puppet is only as good as his puppet master. Next time somebody pulls your strings and tells you to dance, instead of mindlessly kicking your legs, mindfully kick them right in their groin and say to yourself, it's not so damn hard to think for myself.....

Friday, February 8, 2008

NOW - Shut Up, Look Around and Listen!


Is this what you self-important gals really want? You prefer we men just shut up, look pretty and flex our beef burgers? I suppose life would drastically improve if we did just shut up and look pretty. I, however, refuse. I'm the equal of most any woman not just in the country, but the city as well.. I am man, here me roar. In numbers too big to ignore. Yes maam, I'm a man who discovered the wheel and built the Eiffel Tower out of metal and brawn. That's what kind of man I am. You're just a woman with a small brain. With a brain a third the size of us. It's science. So tell me, who should I strive to emulate, Helen Reddy or Ron Burgundy? That's 24 carat stupidity. Everybody knows the only true path to enlightenment is by living your life just like 74 year old Gloria Steinem or 54 year old NOW President, Kim Gandy. By the way, have you ever seen a photo of Kim Gandy? She is the spitting image of Tom Hanks in drag. It's actually quite chilling. But enough about skin deep beauty, let's get to the real meat and potatoes of this piercingly, rock hard conundrum.

I keep trying to remember the country is officially listed as the United States of America. Yeah, this country is about as united as a breakfast of Hebrew National salami, mixed in a heaping bowl of scrapple served Yom Kippur morning in a Mosque. In fact, I don't think this country has been so unified since that minor dust up at Fort Sumter, South Carolina in April of 1861. It seems the only common thread uniting our 50 states is our overwhelming contempt and downright disrespect for each other as fellow human beings. Republicans and Democrats don't get along, liberals and conservatives, red staters and blue staters, blacks and whites, blacks and Latinos, Lou Dobbs and Latinos, gays and straights, evangelicals and well adjusted human beings who think for themselves, men and women and the National Organization of Women and anything or anyone sporting a couple of testicles.

I remember seeing a comic book when I was a young, innocent boy about this amazonian like assassin known as Typhoid Mary. The comic book was mostly being used as a device to shield hidden Playboys in the back of a closet of a good friend's "punch first, ask questions later" maladjusted older brother. As an impressionable ten year old boy, I was startled by Mary's appearance. She was an alter ego man pummeling machine that could beat the stuffing out of any guy. I was assured this was a fictional character and nobody like her existed in real life. Now that I saw Kill Bill parts I and II along with some of the NOW spokeswomen, I'm not so sure that's true. I've come to learn if you don't support Hillary Clinton's presidential bid, it's only because you're a woman hating sexist ass. I mean after all, no normal human being could possibly prefer another candidate, disagree with her political views, be sick to death of her Arkansas hound dog of a husband, hillbilly Clinton, or just feel it would be a welcome change for the occupant of the White House not to have a last name of Bush or Clinton for the first time in 20 long years.

I personally can't stand Hillary Clinton for a number of reasons. I would be willing, if needed to swear under oath, that none of those reasons are gender based. I don't dislike John McCain because he's a woman. I don't laugh at Mitt Romney because he whines like a schoolgirl, I don't roll my eyes at Mike Huckabee because he gives the impression of being a backwoods goober whose idea of gourmet cuisine is a squirrel cooked in a popcorn popper (well, that's not true, I do roll my eyes because he is a backwoods goober who would be a better character in the Beverly Hillbillies than as president) and I don't support Barack Obama simply because he's an inspirational African-American man. I support him because he's the best and brightest candidate for president I've seen in my lifetime. I think after 20 long years of gridlock between waring factions of this country, he's the one person that can begin the arduous task of reuniting these "ununited states" we are a part of.

Hey NOW, if you have evidence there is sexist fungus among us, by all means present all evidence supporting your case. If you don't, just shut up sweeties. You're your own worst enemies. Political correctness is sometimes proper but lighten up toots. Watch a commercial on U.S. television nowadays. If the script calls for one of the actors to be a dullard, said dullard MUST be a caucasian male. No company in this country would dare show a black male idiot or a female idiot of any race for palpable fear of Al Sharpton or Kim Gandy mounting a soap box and screaming BOYCOTT at the top of their lungs. An extraterrestrial watching TV would think this country is loaded with white male imbeciles. He, She or It would be right of course. But idiocy is not restricted. It's inclusive to all races and genders. If you truly want equality, you have to take the bad with the good, not just the good. The real world doesn't have separate male and female tee locations on the golf course of life.

For what it's worth, I sincerely hope we do have a female president one day soon in this country. It's not like she has to be perfect. Look at what we have now. You think W. should pull out of Iraq before it's too late? I only wish his father would have employed that same foresight with Barb mere seconds before the horror of W's conception. Let's base our opinions of people on substance rather than this sickening perception of group against group. Americans have to cease engaging in every petty argument under the sun. We spend our days patting our own backs while stabbing the backs of those we disagree with. Maybe if we did shut up, look around and listen, we might see the world starting to pass us by. I think we would be better served discussing how to reunite us, than by arguing how to further split us apart....

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Time to Stop Spinning and Start Winning!


I choose to primarily focus today on the democratic race for the nomination of President of the United States more so than the republican race. Besides, it's almost a fait accompli that aging Arizona Senator, John "Jolly Jowls" McCain, has all but wrapped up the republican nomination with his string of Super Tuesday primary victories. I somewhat admire the republicans who actually went to their polling places on Tuesday and were forced to view the names of McCain, Romney, Huckabee and Paul and pull their lever rather than their brains through their ears. I mean seriously, the collective personalities of that "fab four" is equivalent to a bucket of goat tripe and a six pack of warm beer. Super Tuesday came with much fanfare and left without finishing the nomination process it was designed to do. The race will continue, as will the hopes of millions of Americans, for our country to finally take that giant leap forward rather than stagnate in the mistakes of the past.

Right now I'm sure like millions of other educated, intelligent citizens following the progress of the nomination process, you're up to your nostrils in the stench of "spinning" in the mid-winter air. When politicians feel the need to turn on the electorate with the mind numbing din of non-stop spin, I simply lunge for the remote control mute button. I accept the principle of "no crying in baseball" but I completely dismiss that condescending notion of the same theory in politics. There is after all, crying in politics. No matter how bad things get out there on the campaign trail, a member of the trailing team refuses to shed a tear, but instead, propagandizes the most devastating results with the best possible lighting. It's one thing to want to remain positive when the ill winds of defeat are howling at your door, but when paid professionals go to new highs by reaching new lows, turning major defeats into momentous victories, you need to step back and replace the important member yanked from within your very socket.

The very people this constant barrage of smiley faces is designed to influence must accept a large share of the blame. Some of my suggestions to alleviate this mess include the following. Do NOT talk to any pollsters via phone or in person. Pollsters provide no real benefit to you, the home voter. If you suffer from Bush - Clinton Disease and want your doctor to prescribe what's right for you, go to the polls and vote. If you're a busy captain of industry and don't have time to stand on line with the huddled masses, get an absentee ballot and just vote. You may even want to send a large monetary contribution to Senator Obama. This is easily accomplished by making a check payable to Obama for President or via a credit card. If someone calls you and wants your input as to whom your voting for and why, a simple, straight to the point, two word response let's the pollster comprehend with clarity that you prefer not discussing the situation with him. I won't share the expression verbatim, but I can tell you the second word is YOU.

It's time to be an adult and make up your mind already for God's sakes. People buy expensive houses, cars and jewelry with less consternation. Your vote is important, but it shouldn't be the the most thought provoking, anguished decision of your lifetime. It's not, do I get that potentially life saving, experimental multi organ transplant or do I vote for Obama. Fortunately it doesn't come to that. I think it's so funny when you see a 30 or 60 second commercial where the candidate describes their own life in the most glowingly, inspirational terms with emotional music softly playing in the background and the most spectacular imagery HDTV has ever presented. Then at the end, the politician comes on and says, I'm Buck Naked, candidate for president and I approved this ad. Well duh, of course you approved it. You look like the greatest person that ever lived. Candidates stand at street corners or train stops in the morning to shake your hand and ask for your support. It's love at first sight. You want to join their campaign and get them elected. Until work is over that is. At that same corner or train stop, the opposing candidate is now there shaking your hand and asking for that same support you promised another eight hours earlier. You agree because you're an easily influenced slut. You're already cheating on the morning love of your life with the afternoon guy.

Paid campaign spokespersons are waiting for you in your home. They tell you everything is great, the 30% point defeat yesterday was remarkable because just 2 weeks ago, "we" were down by 31%. We're now rolling like a runaway boulder down a steep hill, or is that boulder running away up a steep hill? I'll have to get back to you on that. The bottom line is stop allowing yourself to be polled. Beware of candidates bearing hands. Learn to lunge for the remote when a spinning twerp invades your television. You should do what's best and listen to me. If your state has a primary coming up and you're a registered democrat or in some states an independent, vote for Barack Obama. Hillary Clinton and John McCain tell you 100 times each and every day how they're ready to lead from day one. My questions are simple. Where are these two relics of yesteryear leading me? Why do I even need to be led? How do two people who only tout their accomplishments of yesterday get to plan my tomorrows? When do we as a country stop cowering in fear and start boldly reaching for change? All McCain and Hillary are capable of accomplishing, is making you sorry you passed up the chance of a lifetime by not voting for Barack Obama. Look around. Your state isn't red or blue. Your neighborhood isn't liberal or conservative. Your dreams aren't black or white. You want the same thing everybody else does. Not the best spin, just the best win. You want Barack Obama.......

Monday, February 4, 2008

Bill & Dick Shoot Each Other In The Face


The Bill and Dick Show or is it the The Dick and Bill Show? Whoever gets top billing doesn't really matter very much. As disturbing as it may seem, these seemingly polar opposites could just possibly wind up playing the same part in the same production. Throughout history there have been numerous examples of a concept known simply as the "Power Behind the Thrown." This is, of course, where an individual or group informally exercises the real power of an office. A perfect example of this takes place behind the scenes of the current White House. Love him, hate him or just plain indifferent towards him, no person with a functioning and objective brain can really believe George W. Bush is the brains of the government. This is a guy who has legitimate difficulty stringing an intelligible sentence together. He's not even allowed to eat a pretzel unless secret service agents and Dr. Henry Heimlich are in the room. I personally don't believe him capable of ad-libbing flatulence at a hot turkey and baked bean eating contest. He is the president alright, but in name only.

The power behind this facade is Vice President Dick Cheney. The Great White Quail Hunter, as he is affectionately known, will probably best be remembered for mistaking a 78 year old Texas attorney for a six ounce quail and then proceeding to shoot him square in his gizzard. What a marksman. If only Cheney wasn't so busy with "other priorities" when he was eligible for military service in the 60's. In his defense, the right wing reject was busy as a husband and father to a future lesbian. I personally have no bone to pick with lesbians, but Dick and his merry band of intolerant Nazi sympathizers certainly do. That is until it affects them personally. But whether you loathe Dick Cheney or just hate him, there's no denying the fact that he plays Giupetto to Bush's Pinocchio. Cheney's greatest talent is his ability to pull the strings while Bush speechifies about himself being the decider. I am convinced the only way Bush could decipher the answer of what ten + eleven is, would be by unzipping his pants. Instead, Bush presents himself as military strategist, an economist capable of running up a $9 trillion debt, a foreign affairs expert, a domestic policy theorist, an education genius and simply put, the most intelligent scholar with a room temperature IQ in history.

Bush is not smart enough to be this stupid. But Dick Cheney and his hand picked fourth reich cabal have proved beyond a doubt they are. Now that this administration is about to disintegrate in flaming ignominy, it seems a percentage of the US population is willing to sit through a second act of this farce we call the executive branch. President Hillary Clinton? The mere thought of that would send a chill down my spine even if i was swimming naked in the globally warmed polar ice cap. The woman who touts her 35 years of experience, but never actually says what that specific experience is, wants to be president more than a dog wants a bone. She is the least substantive person to come along since George W. Bush. I so hate to toot my own horn but beep beep here it goes. Hillary wants to be president primarily to fulfill her own colossal ego. She feels she has been chosen by the Gods to be the first woman president, to be remembered in perpetuity as first, she will govern by the polls, she will do and say anything in her first term for the sole purpose of securing a second term. She's a brighter version of George Bush in estrogen laden pantsuits. But like her more dim witted predecessor, she too has a power occupying her throne.

William Jefferson Clinton, the 42nd President of the United States, the first gentleman who publicly wants to be the first lady, is busy laying the groundwork for his return to the big White House in the 1600 block of NW Washington, D.C. Clinton, also known as the present day 61 year old hound-dog-in-chief, will be back in the saddle with no real title or job description. He will be a loose cannon roaming the halls of his greatest conquests. Maybe he can offer his wife a few suggestions of how things should really be done. He's unquestionably brighter than Bush and Cheney, but much like Hillary in 1992, he is ready, willing and able to become the co-president or power behind the throne. Can't you just see him taking a seat at a cabinet meeting or national security briefing? Offering unsolicited opinions and explaining to the eye rolling and ceiling watching administration how things were done back in his day. Will he bring up how he walked to school every day in three feet of snow and how he had to work five jobs after school just so he could enjoy a soda down at the malt shoppe? Exploiting Hillary's ego by making her think all his ideas are her ideas. The whole concept smells and the scent aint very good.

If you disagree with me, it will be easy to brush aside what I've written by saying I'm a liberal sexist. I am jealous of George W. Bush's superior intellect and vision. I only rail against Hillary because I'm a raging sexist who believes all women should be barefoot in the kitchen shooting out babies like a Pez Dispenser. That is way easy. It's also false. I would have to be a "nucular" or nuclear idiot to really feel that way. I admire bright visionary people regardless of creed, race, sex or sexual orientation. I'm just an extremely bright, well educated, brilliant caucasian guy from Florida with no discernable ego whatsoever. I just get tired of watching transparent phonies succeeding over the real deals. Imagine the past seven years if Al Gore had rightfully ascended to the presidency. I can't imagine things being anything other than significantly better than they are now. Now analyze returning the Clintons back to the future. How many times do you have hit yourself in the head with a hammer before you try a different way? Cheney and Clinton will both be remembered more for their mistakes then for their triumphs. Both Hillary and McCain tell anybody and everybody that they're ready to lead from day one. I refuse to follow either like some mindless lemming to the sea. Each of them are far closer to the end than the beginning. I want to be inspired, not led. I want to be challenged, not discouraged. What I really want the most, however, is a president ready from day one to make me forget the Clinton and Bush eras.....

Friday, February 1, 2008

Don't Drive Angry - Super Weekend On Tap!

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What a magical weekend to be alive. Two of our nation's pre-eminent festivals take place and a third is literally just around the corner. This Saturday, of course, will mark Groundhog Day. The collective eyes of North America will be trained on tiny Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania, where a fat little rodent named Phil will determine whether the weather will remain wintry or turn warm during the next six weeks. Phil, America's number one varmint, will make his annual winter forecast this Saturday in Only God Knows Where, Pennsylvania. What I've learned after exhaustively researching this relevant story is that a groundhog is also known as a woodchuck, marmot or ground squirrel. It's very impressive that an insignificant rodent for every 364 out of 365 days can have four distinctively different names. Lions, tigers and bears aren't called other things as a rule. Besides groundhogs, only human beings have that distinction. I'm sure we all know humans we commonly refer to as weasels, rats, pigs, cows, horses, worms and jellyfish just to name a few. But humans are in our faces every day, the woodchuck has but one day to shine in a calendar year. Not a whole lot of groundhog interest in July.

Historians believe the legend of the marmot began as early as 1841. Should Phil emerge from his burrow and see his shadow, you had better prepare for six more weeks of winter. But before you start spewing expletives at innocent Phil, be aware that there are actual scientists actually studying the prognostication skills of the furry little creatures. Much to my shock, the groundhog is about as accurate predicting the weather as are the Eyewitness Action Weather Team goofballs with the one piece hair and capped teeth on your local news stations. According to a study commissioned by the prestigious National Climate Data Center, Phil and company's predictions are correct just under two of every five predictions. Hell, you or I could do that with a bottle of Grey Goose, a dartboard and five finely honed darts. What's my point you ask? Phil and his fellow groundhogs are furry frauds. That's right Phil has conspirators working with him. I'm sure many of you are familiar with Holtsville Hal, Dunkirk Dave, Staten Island Chuck, Wiarton Willie and my personal favorite, General Beauregard Lee just to name a few. Think of it, a groundhog defying the odds and reaching the dizzying rank of general. I'm sure General Beau, as I call him, could lead our troops in Iraq better than most of the less hairy rodents we have there now. But if you really want to understand the phenomenon we call Groundhog Day, I suggest you watch the informative 1993 documentary with the same name starring famous Hollywood actor and meteorologist, Bill Murray.

After the weather prediction comes in, take some quiet time for yourself in anticipation of Sunday's Super Bowl and think about Super Tuesday first. With primaries and caucuses being held in 24 states from sea to shining sea, it's possible if not likely the republican and democratic nominees will be anointed. I realize there are no clear choices available when you crawl out of your respective burrows, but take this time to think about what you want. After all, you may very well have to live with what you decide for the next eight years. After the last eight years, this task should not be taken lightly. I've never pretended to be objective. If you're a republican, you will be deciding between McCain, Romney and Huckabee. My first thought would be to elbow Phil and move into his burrow with him. I mean this is like finding out you won a week's all expenses vacation in Tahiti providing you're willing to share a room with either Oprah, Rosie or Dr. Phil. I just frightened myself with that one. If you're voting democrat, you have Hillary or Obama. You have a choice between eight years of Bill aimlessly wandering the halls of the White House with the polyester pantsuit princess or eight years of hope and a new beginning. Seems clear to me, but you're you, not me, and it's up to you to decide.

Enough weather and presidential pablum for a while. Are you ready for some football and commercials? Super Sunday has landed in Arizona and any way you look at it, this will be a historic game of epic proportions. My beloved New England Patriots vs. the New York Giants. New York and Boston renew their often hated sports rivalry once again for football supremacy this time around. These two cities have seemingly loathed each other ever since the New York Yankees bought Babe Ruth from the financially strapped Boston Red Sox close to two million years ago. The rivalry was all one sided towards New York until 2004, when the Sox came back from a seemingly impossible 3 - 0 deficit against the hated Yankees and won the best of seven series for the American League Championship and then won their first World Series since 1918. The cities have also had heated and hated rivalries in basketball, ice hockey and even dueling marathons, but football battles have never really been part of the sports wars until now.

What makes this game especially interesting, is the fact the Patriots will attempt to be the first team in NFL history to be 19 - 0 with a victory on Sunday. The 1972 Miami Dolphins were 17 - 0 and pathetically, many of the dinosaurs on that team still live in the past. For 35 years, every time the last undefeated NFL team would lose a game, these sad old men would gather together and toast themselves with cheap champagne and recount the same tired old stories year after year after year. A New England victory may allow for some of them to gain some prospective and live for today as opposed to yesterday. There's no way to prove or disprove who the greatest team in any sport is. On any day, on any field, court or ice rink, anything can happen. Teams that win championships are the best team that year and that's all, that's for sure. Right now the entire New England sports nation is riding an unbelievable crest. The Sox are the current baseball champs. The Pats can be the football equivalent on Sunday, and the indoor teams of TD Banknorth Garden, the Celtics and Bruins are having their best seasons in years. Boston is like butter on a fresh roll. Even if you're not a football fan, arguably the best commercials of the year are shown during the game. If you don't like commercials either, maybe Janet Jackson or her nipples might make a return appearance. So sit back this weekend and whip out your ground squirrel, think before you vote and overeat and drink while screaming at the television. This is so American, I think I'm going to Hail Mary an apple pie and call my mother....

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