Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Forget Jesus, What Would a 13 Year old Do?

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THIS IS THE TYPE OF YOUNG ADULT, I'M TRYING TO REACH

It was recently pointed out to me that my opinions, thoughts and views on life may not be compatible and/or suitable with a great many of the 13 year olds surfing the net. I know when I was 13, my primary interests were politics, religion, national and international events and the eventual role I would be compelled to play in them all. Trivial items such as reaching puberty, hormonal changes, beer, girls and getting girls to drink beer were of no interest to me or any of my scholarly peers. A great many of you may have a hard time believing this, but then again, you're not Member Support Professional Ted P. of Logiscape Support Services. Now your internal awareness bell is ringing loudly I imagine, yes, that Ted P. My dear friend Ted P. holds what I assume is an entry level position with Traffic Syndicate 25, aka TS 25, the well known free traffic exchange that draws all the aforementioned 13 year old and older news hounds to blogs such as mine and thousands of others. I joined TS 25 and one other more professional operation, because I thought it would help expose my articles to people who would otherwise not be aware of them.

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Everything appeared to cruising along just swimmingly, until a few days ago when I was informed via email that TS 25 was suspending my account because of a handful of complaints they received within a 24 hour period. I must admit I was initially annoyed that my account was suspended, but I was also ecstatic that my opinion based commentaries were causing people to take time out of their busy lives to complain about them as well. For those not aware how services like TS 25 work, you are promised exposure to one viewer for every five pages of internet ads you surf for 15 seconds or more. The overwhelming majority of these ads are the almost hysterically funny rags to riches claims of individuals who parlayed a 99 cent investment into a multi-million dollar oceanfront estate, luxury yachts, expensive automobiles and the inevitable international lingerie and swimsuit models that come along for the ride. But that was suddenly all in jeopardy due to my suspension.

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Needless to say, I panicked like a leper at a Clearasil Convention. Out of nowhere, I saw my estate sinking into the ocean next to my yacht and my lingerie model girlfriend driving away in my Lamborghini with the repo guy. I couldn't allow my dream to die when it seemed so close to fruition, so I sat down and carefully constructed an email to TS 25. I needed to find out how I could get my account back in good standing. I was convinced after all that my account was suspended because some conservative water carriers were unhappy with my constant professional and personal attacks on the George W. Bush administration. I knew I also offended all the ardent supporters of peripheral hand puppets such as FOX News, Bill O'Reilly, Rush Limbaugh and beloved humanitarian, Ann Coulter. Well, you could have knocked me over with a goose feather, when the legend known only as Ted P. emailed me back and told me, and I quote, "Your site was not banned because your opinions. The page simply deals with content that is not suitable for all ages. We are an all ages site. I have lifted your suspension but the site will have to remain banned."

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IF YOU'RE 13 YEARS OLD, TED P. WILL EXPLODE

I was momentarily dumbfounded. Ted P. wasn't condemning me to eternity in TS 25 purgatory for expressing my heartfelt opinions, but rather for who was reading my heartfelt opinions. Clearly, I needed some fresh air and some delicious, ice cold bottled water to absorb this information. Say what you will about my good buddy, "Minimum Wage Ted P," but he sure makes you use ALL your grey matter. I gathered myself and my thoughts and decided to challenge Ted P. one last time. I realized Mr. P. was probably the sharpest knife in the TS 25 drawer, but I had to open that door to the lion cage and take my best shot. I decided to use my trained skills as a negotiator to frontally attack Ted P's stated declaration that my suspension was lifted, but my ban remained in effect. This was a hard one to comprehend. I needed more air and more cold water.
It was soon obvious, I drank too much water and now had more important matters to deal with for the moment than Ted Pee, er, I mean Ted P.

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TED P. IS PROTECTING HER FROM SEEING MY BLOG

I took a much needed restroom break and was then ready to shoot and score. I told Ted P that what he was doing by lifting my suspension but keeping my ban in effect was like reinstating my driver's license but banning me from driving. I made a number of other irrefutable assertions that anything I was writing or visualizing through family friendly photos paled in comparison to what these kids were constantly exposed to via the movies, video games, internet porn sites, music lyrics, etc. Besides, their parents should be the arbiters of what they're exposed to online, not you, Ted P. I was at this time quite pleased with myself and thought it just a matter of time before TS 25 and I were once again partners and friends. I think I even promised myself, unlike 99% of the other bloggers using TS 25, I might actually even pay a moment's attention to the ads they show. Yeah right, there was zero chance of that happening, but shhhh, don't tell Ted P.

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IS ANYBODY PROTECTING CHEESE FROM JOHN MADDEN?

Well I had a very busy Sunday catching up on some much needed paperwork that required my attention, had a good lunch, watched some satellite football and wondered what my next blog would be about. In the manner of literary genius and pro football analyst, John Madden, BOOM, I got smacked right between the eyes. Ted P. laid his final email on me. Once again I quote, "
Some of the images are not suitable, some of the words are inappropriate. That is the bottom line. We have to keep the site clean. We have members as young as 13 on our site and some of the content you have on the page are simple inappropriate for younger audiences." I'm toast, stick a fork in my buttocks, bury me deep, I'm done. To make a long story short, I sent Ted P. a nasty response and I'm certain, I'm now off the TS 25 holiday gift card list.

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I hate to toot my own horn, but I know words and phrases that would shock a shock jock and I could access pictures that would even make the incredibly offensive Cleveland Indians mascot blush. But, I make a point to use neither when writing these blogs. I don't write the blogs for the delicate sensibilities of 13 year old children either. I try to write for the above average Joe or Joann in this often below average world. Ted P. doesn't seem to realize this, but I feel pretty certain the people reading this do. If you want to tell Ted P. how you feel, Ted P. is reachable at
ts25_support@logiscape.com. Give Ted P. my best and yours too. By the way, if you're a 13 year old kid reading this, let Ted P. know in your best impressionable language what you think of him as well.........














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