Friday, September 28, 2007

TRY TO FORGET IRAQ FOR TEN MINUTES!

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Lauren Caitlin Upton, the reigning Miss South Carolina Teen USA, was asked last month why one-fifth of Americans can't find the United States on a map. After careful consideration, she opined the following in her own words "I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because some people out there in our nation don't have maps." Lauren, I happen to be one of the fortunate U.S. Americans who does have a map. I therefore would like to take a moment to proudly announce that I am one of the four-fifths of U.S. Americans that can find the United States on a map. At the risk of sounding cocky, I can also find Iraq on a map. After completing that mental exercise, I am fully prepared to announce there's more than 6,200 miles separating Washington, D.C. from Baghdad, Iraq. That's significantly further than Miami, Florida is from Anchorage, Alaska. After watching video tape excerpts from Wednesday night's Democratic debate, perhaps the time has come to focus on the many other serious problems facing this country.

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MY DEBATE QUESTION - WHICH PHOTO IS BETTER?

George W. Bush and his fellow coven of cowards got the country hopelessly trapped in a far off country that posed no threat whatsoever to this country. It has been established ad nauseam that NO electable republican candidate for president will commit to bringing our troops home anytime soon, and after Wednesday night's democratic debacle at Dartmouth College in New Hampshire, it became just as apparent that NO electable democratic candidate will do so either. It's a wash. Nobody wins, everybody loses. So now having that firmly established, it's time to move forward to other things and simply give up on liberating our troops from Iraq. Or is it?

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I recently read an article written by Christopher Hitchens in Monday's edition of slate.com titled Run, Al, Run. The premise for this article was to pose the question, if Al Gore were to win the Nobel Peace prize in Oslo, Norway on October 12th, would that be the springboard for Al Gore to officially announce his candidacy for President of the United States? Personally, I hope the answer to that question is a resounding YES. I do realize there are a great many people who don't share my respect and high regard for the former vice-president. But in these partisan and contentious times, I can't honestly think of one single politician in this country that is universally held in high regard. Not one that's alive, anyway. I don't even think the majority of our beloved dead politicians would fare very well in 2007, for that matter. George Washington wore a powdered wig, had wooden teeth and looked startlingly like the woman who gave birth to the Anti-Christ, George W Bush. Abe Lincoln was too tall, awkward and ugly to be elected president today. We also can't forget how he diminished plantation work forces by radically freeing the slaves. If those weren't enough negatives to destroy his political career, he spent far too much time in the theater. He instead, should have gotten this country involved in civil wars outside this country.

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When you take an honest look at today's crap er crop of potential presidents, you should honestly feel concern. On the republican side, the 2008 nominee will probably be Rudy Giuliani. If it's not him, it will most likely be Mitt Romney, John McCain or Fred Thompson. Once Giuliani doesn't have 9/11 to exploit, his 180 degree swings on gun control or abortion, his penchant for marrying and then divorcing women, ignoring his children and constant reminders that he single-handedly saved New York City from sinking into the ocean on 9/11, he's an obnoxious bald New Yorker on the verge of collecting what little is left in Social Security cash. Mitt Romney, "The Great White Varmint Hunter" is also a serial flip-flopper, a hypocrite, a guy who paints his hair with black lacquer and a man so boring, watching paint dry appears fascinating in comparison. John McCain and Fred Thompson, The Maverick and The Movie Star. Weren't they also the first two candidates to announce they were challenging Marc Antony for the vacant position of Emperor of Rome after Julius Caesar took a stab at Cleopatra? I already had two grandfathers, a third is totally unnecessary.

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On the democratic side, the 2008 nominee appears to be Hillary Clinton. The Laughing Hyena or The Princess of Pants Suits if you prefer, or The Siren of Shrinkage, which I happen to prefer, is inching closer and closer to the head of the party. Who's going to stop her, Barack Obama, John Edwards or Dennis Kucinich, as The Beaver? All the democrats are too busy cowering in fear of the voters, the republicans and fear itself, to find the hiding place of Hillary's Transylvanian coffin and drive a wooden chicken into her heart. We the townspeople cannot leave our homes to go outside and play, or even march up to her evil castle with lit torches to stop her reign of maniacal and cackling terror. Deciding on a president amongst these two parties is like deciding which talentless, self-important chick I'd rather be marooned on a deserted island with, Oprah Winfrey or Rosie O'Donnell. Oy vey.

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So Al Gore, buddy, what do you say? You were already elected president back in 2000, but never got to move in because the partisan Supreme Court never let you get sworn in. The American people were robbed, the global community was robbed and YOU, Al Gore, were robbed too. Life was not designed to haphazardly offer second chances to every Hillary, Rudy and Mitt that comes down the pike. A terrible wrong took place nearly seven years ago, and if you regret what happened one volt as much as the rest of the world does, you'll gather up the following: your Oscar, for your brilliant documentary on global warming, your Emmy Award for Current TV, (the youngest network to ever win an Emmy Award) the Nobel Peace Prize you're going to win, your foresight, your brilliance and your chance for redemption to the American people and announce to us, you're prepared to once again "win the presidency of the United States". I feel certain this time, we'll at long last get the president we need and the president we voted for as opposed to the one we didn't and we didn't. Then, we can start thinking about Iraq again.......

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