Friday, September 7, 2007

People Need Protection from Themselves!

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Americans love to thump their collective chests and proclaim their toughness to anyone and everyone who will listen. An overwhelming percentage of Yankee Doodle Dandies are only too happy to ridicule "FURINERS" as effeminate, cheese eating, girlie men who don't physically match up to the manly power of American men or women. However, this myth is clearly debunked every time a thoroughly unsubstantiated terror rumor makes the rounds of the internet or Fox News. Isn't Fox News just the ultimate oxymoron? My favorites have always been jumbo shrimp, pretty ugly, military intelligence and, the best of all, Fox News. But I digress. At present, I wish to salute the Americans who back in June waited on long lines for literally days and nights on end, just so they could be one of the first to purchase the Apple iPhone.

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It seems so many of our friends and neighbors just have to be first when it comes to owning the latest technology. If you waited a few months to learn how well the product was performing, and if it was really worth the exorbitant price you had to pay, your status as the King or Queen of Trendy Cool could be irreparably damaged. The iPhone went on sale at fine stores everywhere on June 29th of this year for the retail price of a mere $599. Sales were considered good despite the hefty price. Speaking of that hefty price, on Wednesday, Apple, Inc. announced they were slashing a full 1/3 off the $599 price, making the phone a somewhat more affordable $399. The original purchasers were outraged and some are already threatening to file a class action lawsuit claiming they were defrauded by Apple Inc.
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I'm sorry, but did Apple contractually obligate themselves at the time of purchase not to lower the price of the phone for a specified period of time? Is Apple the first major corporation to lower prices of merchandise to stimulate sales as the slow build up to Christmas is already beginning? Does America need a new governmental agency to, in effect, protect consumers from themselves? I'm sorry, but you goofballs who lined up outside stores for a matter of days just so you can feel special, simply because you were one of the first buyers, need to re-evaluate your lives. You don't realize you're the classic example of the dork that everybody is laughing out loud about behind your back. The very people you're trying to impress are the very people who are blogging about you right now.

You accomplished your goal the minute the store opened its door and you staggered inside to make your purchase. You don't have family, friends, an education, career or common sense, but you have a really cool cell phone. You just paid $600 for an untested entity. You just signed a two year contract obligating you to pay AT&T around $100 per month for two full years. You probably signed up for more minutes than you need. You did this so you can place calls to people who never take or return your calls. You can hardly wait to watch movies on a two inch screen instead of your 42 inch plasma, in your "cool" bachelor pad in your parents' basement. You brag that you can check the stock market, even though your portfolio wholly consists of the eight shares of IBM your grandpa purchased when you were born. But the worst part is, the fat guy in the next cubicle just bought the exact same phone you did for $200 less. Oh, and by the way, he didn't have to sleep outside the store for days either.

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Now you're whining, crying and threatening to file a futile lawsuit against Apple, Inc. because you're a doofus. You need to be protected from yourself. You're a six year old kid again who wants his mommy and daddy to make things alright because you need to be protected from yourself. You've been on hold all day hearing busy signals from Apple, because there are people all over the country just like you, you know, people who need protection from themselves. But not to worry. Apple CEO Steve Jobs feels your pain and whining. Steve wants to do his part to protect you from yourself. Mr Jobs announced earlier today, that he is strongly considering offering all techno-geeks who paid $600 for the phone, that people are buying today for $400, an offer they can't refuse. Proof of purchase of the $600 phone might get you a rebate of $100. Well not quite a cash rebate, but a store credit of $100 to buy more crap you don't need so you'll feel more protected from yourself.

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So caveat emptor educated consumers. This holiday season when some store is trumpeting its new line of Lead Barbie Dolls, you might NOT want to start forming a line quite yet. I suggest first that you take your iPhone and watch a movie about the harmful effects of lead paint. Find out if needing protection from yourself is one of the symptoms of ingesting too much lead paint. If it is, call an attorney to sue China. You might just need protection from them too........



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