Wednesday, September 19, 2007

BREAKING NEWS - There's No News at All!

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The world has become thoroughly inundated with constant, hysterical, drama queen like headlines of BREAKING NEWS. In today's world, we have non-stop access to 24/7 cable news coverage, newspapers, internet, blogs, parasitic paparazzis, so called entertainment web sites and less reputable sources like Fox News. There's an old expression that states "No News is Good News" but flip on a television or access a web site and the no news adage rapidly descends from 24 hour coverage to 24 carat nonsense. When your job calls for you to find a way to "cram" 24 minutes of news into a 24 hour news cycle, the following stories are an example of what happens.

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THIS JUST IN!!! - PARIS HILTON BREAKS A NAIL

1. Barry Manilow - If you're birthday occurred after 1952, you may not be familiar with this one time pop icon that made your grandmother swoon. It appears the man that makes the whole world sing is now competing with Rosie O'Donnell to become the president of the Elizabeth Hasselbeck fan club. Barry says he hates Hasselbeck so much he won't appear on The View if she's on the set. Barry has something against this Laura Bush Lite republican sock puppet? Good for you Barry.

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2. Madonna - The elderly self promoting and no longer relevant "has been" somehow managed to get her wrinkled facelift in front of the cameras and microphones once again. The Roman Catholic entertainer from the 80's recently celebrated Rosh Hashana (The Jewish New Year) in Israel with President Shimon Peres and appointed herself an "ambassador for Judaism," local newspapers reported last week. Ok Madonna, you and your phony British accent can go away until said time the Druids announce they're in the market for an ambassador too.

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3. Isiah Thomas - The man who once tried to organize his fellow all-stars from passing the ball to a young Michael Jordan out of petty jealousy and spite during a NBA all-star exhibition, got his name in the news for all the wrong reasons as well. Thomas is currently the defendant in a sexual harassment trial in New York City for allegedly firing an African-American woman who rebuffed his sexual advancements. In a sworn video deposition, Thomas
testified under oath that white men weren't allowed to call black women "bitch," but black men could. Thomas apparently proved that theory seeing as he is being accused of repeatedly calling the former employee, Anucha Browne Sanders a "ho" and a "bitch". Hopefully any day now, people will simply be calling Thomas terminated, fired and unemployed.

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4. Kate and Gerry McCann - the British parents of missing four year old Madeleine McCann. First off they both exhibit the warmth of icebergs in the arctic circle on Christmas Day. Secondly, if they appeared half as concerned over their missing four year old as they do over how they're being perceived in the media, this innocent child would probably be safe at home. Who leaves a four year old and two year old twins ALONE in an unlocked hotel room while they go out to dinner at a restaurant with friends? Once police began to suspect these parents might just have something to do with this disappearance, the McCanns hired media representatives, public relations personnel and accepted a few hundred thousand dollars in donated money, not to assist in finding this missing girl, but to publicly defend themselves. If those twins were smart, they'd start learning how to sleep with one eye open as long as they're potentially sharing quarters with Jack and Jackie the Rippers.

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McCann Family during happier times

5. Britney and OJ - Maybe the McCanns will be awarded joint custody of these two wastes of space and take them, along with Isisah, Madonna, the cast from The View, Barry Manilow and everybody currently running for president and all take a cruise to nowhere and Break some News and then hopefully each other.......

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