Thursday, November 1, 2007

Tricks Are For Kids - Treats Are For Adults!

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To hear the old timers tell it, Halloween used to symbolize being a kid. You got to go out after dark with your friends, wear a scary costume with a mask and come back home with a big stash of delicious candy and homemade treats. Yeah, people didn't just hand out a couple of little tootsie rolls or a mini three musketeer bar, the way I hear it, they actually doled out home made fudge and big caramel covered apples on a stick. What universe did planet earth used to be on again? Now you see as many adults walking the streets as you do kids. They're armed with police reports, FBI profiling data and detailed background checks on every household in their neighborhood. Then after carefully selecting a few houses that have managed to pass muster, the candy must go through the airport scanners you rented. A battery of chemists and technicians from your local poison control center are on 24 hour call to determine if the candy is now ready for phase II of your comprehensive 12 point process for candy consumption.

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So why do we still pay tribute to All Hallows' Eve? Oh I don't know, maybe the obscene amounts of money it generates for retailers and liquor stores is the place to start. Retail stores start advertising Halloween paraphernalia the moment the back to school merchandise comes off the shelves. But that money is now just a spit in the jack-o-lantern. As any merchant with a license to sell alcohol can tell you, the real profits come in those bottles and cans filled with adult spirits. Halloween has clearly morphed from a fun night out for kids to yet another excuse for so called big kids to get drunk. This time however, it's perfectly acceptable and even encouraged that you dress up like a drunken hooker or a pirate. The whole month of October is now a time for girls to walk that fine line of determining what's too slutty or just slutty enough and guys making sure their "wooden" leg is best displayed for maximum exposure.

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WHAT ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO BE, LITTLE DARLING?

For the sake of full disclosure, I heartily support a well packaged hooker ensemble or a stylish wooden leg, if the leg in question is mine. But for the love of goblins, should we really be happy that Halloween has evolved into just a dress rehearsal for New Year's Eve? What about the kiddies? Oh yeah the kiddies. Just get them off their computers long enough to pick up a bag full of tainted candy while they text their friends about who's wearing what. Halloween is so 2007 baby. It seems the only kids who appreciate the tradition of Halloween are too young to know what tradition even means. Parents love inappropriately dressing up their infants almost as much as they do themselves. Who doesn't love it when mom or dad carries a two year old to your front door and screams trick or treat as the kid starts squirming and crying at the top of his/her lungs? Then they generally ask you to hold the little urchin as they snap a series of flash digital photos in your face as the kid screams louder and decides to go to the bathroom NOW.

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OUT FOR A NIGHT OF WHOLESOME GOOD FUN, BOYS?

The other extreme is when you see kids pushing the envelope when they're 13 or 14 year olds. Should kids who insist on being treated as adults be trick or treating at that age? A good rule of thumb should be if you've reached puberty or your voice is deepening, maybe you're too big a boy or girl to be out with the kids that haven't yet learned how to control their bladders or bowels. So the question is, who exactly should be out there trick or treating in these troubled times of ours? I think people should be issued those height restriction gadgets you see at Disney that prevents kids too small from going on Space Mountain. This gadget would also include a device to rule out kids that are too tall as well. Because if you can dunk a basketball, we shouldn't have to give you cheap candy. That basically leaves the grade school kids. Maybe the six to ten year old crowd should be the ones out there. Not too old or not too young, just like good porridge, just right. They can generally prevent bodily fluid accidents and they're not too old to physically intimidate if they act badly at your front door. They're also easy to dupe as you divert their attention just long enough to pretend you're dropping candy in their bag cause you failed to buy enough and ran out of candy an hour ago.

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In conclusion, the best plan as has always been and will always be to pretend nobody is home. You help save the environment by not burning electricity for maybe three hours, you don't have to buy and then hand out sugar laden junk to the phase of the population that needs it the least and most importantly, you don't have to pretend you like other people's kids for three hours. Your time can be much better served waving your wooden leg at every treat seeking hooker you can lay your unpatched [sic] eye on. After all, it's a lot more politically correct to be a drunken pirate spewing lewd, sexual remarks at a drunken hooker doing her best Britney Spears impersonation, than an accountant working that same game on a receptionist. I'll always remember the advice passed down from generation to generation in my family. "Candy is Dandy, but Liquor is Quicker." Ahoy mateys, argh..............


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