Monday, November 26, 2007

Black Friday or is it Wack Friday?

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Kill or be killed. Take no prisoners. Only the strong survive. When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping. Give no quarter. Show no mercy. Are you a man or a mouse? Hey lady, watch your cart, I only have two of these and I'm really fond of them both. It's Black Friday, damn it. I'm sure I've left out some of your favorite cliches but eight is my limit for one paragraph. I'm fascinated by the concept of "Door Buster Bargains" beginning at the same time respectable degenerates are first crawling home after a night of exhibiting their full arsenal of proper debauchery techniques.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

People will take lawn chairs, hibachis, blankets and credit cards with them to camp out in heat, cold, rain, snow or sleet for days, in some cases, because they have allowed merchants and advertisers to manipulate them into thinking they're getting the deal of the century. They are drinking the kool-aid the retailers mixed up themselves in order to program them into believing that the more they spend, the more they save. They mass up at entrances like sheep to charge into the stores like the very dogs Pavlov himself trained.


Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

I am not saying that a tenth of one percent of all these millions of participating shoppers throughout the country won't get a great deal, but everyone else will not. Simple mathematics dictates that when thousands of people are lined up at stores all over the country and maybe 25 or 50 incredible deals are available per store, most will not get the best advertised deal that the store promised. But you stayed up all night and waited in line anywhere from a few hours to a few days and, by God, you're not leaving that mall until you've bought a plethora of expensive crap you don't want or need. But you can't leave empty handed. You came determined to get a bargain, damn it, and whether said bargain is real or imagined, your not leaving until your mini van is packed from floor to ceiling.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

This concept plays into a long held theory I've had that people will inconvenience themselves beyond belief if they think they're scoring a great deal. Erect a wicked big flashing neon sign stating you're giving away a valuable product completely free of charge in 24 hours. I'm convinced people, without even knowing what that valuable product specifically is, will attempt to out maneuver their own mothers in order to get their hands on anything that's flashing valuable and free in the same neon message. In my fantasy theory the valuable product would be East Indian elephant dung. You see, the circus was in town and the elephants contracted an intestinal ailment that tripled their normal output requiring circus honchos to dispose of the extra output. Apartment dwellers with only plastic ferns in their dinette area would ask for seconds if they thought they were getting a great deal. Not until they arrive back at their 550 square ft apartment does it dawn on them, "what the hell am I going to do with 20 pounds of parasitic East Indian elephant dung?"

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
WHO'S WORSE? THE PERSON WHO MADE OR BOUGHT THESE PANTS

Sit down and think for a second, geniuses. The odds are far greater you'll get hit by lightning or win the lottery than you'll get a great deal on a product you really want. Why do you think they call it BLACK FRIDAY? It's the day merchants turn a profit for the calendar year. They don't do this by giving consumers great deals. They do it by making consumers think they're getting great deals. Do the smart thing. Wait until you go back to work today, better known as CYBER MONDAY, and instead of working, spend the day surfing bargains on the internet. You don't have to camp out overnight, be herded against people who haven't showered for two days and be privy to unavoidably hearing people's cell phone conversations while you decide if you should kill them or yourself. Whatever you decide, you can do it all over again the day after Christmas when you take all the hideous crap you received as gifts back to the store to exchange them and get another deal of the century....

No comments:

Tell a friend: