Friday, November 2, 2007

Hillary or Rudy? Oh No, I Want a 3rd Choice

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When I think of the potential nightmare 2008 presidential election of Hillary "Flip" Clinton vs. Rudy "Flop" Giuliani, I'm reminded of another nightmare I sometimes faced as a child at dinner time. My recurring nightmare involved me being forced to choose between Pickled Pork Head Cheese with a side of Brussels sprouts and Lima Bean Casserole with a side of canned beets. I would have sooner gone out behind the house with a bottle of ketchup and two slices of wonder bread to look for a nice fat, juicy lizard to eat instead. Hey, give me a break, they're delicious when they're fresh. But seriously, if it in fact turns out to be Rudy v. Hillary, I'm voting for the captain of the spaceship Dennis Kucinich likes to ride in.

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Both of these front runner candidates seem to represent everything wrong with the high stakes presidential politics of today. Let's start with the more feminine member of this equation. Former New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani is the embodiment of the word opportunist. He was a lame duck mayor in the closing days of his mayorship when fate and Al-Qaeda slammed two American Airline jets into the twin towers at the World Trade Center in lower Manhattan. As the old axiom goes, 3,000 families' hell is another man's heaven. Rudy glommed on to the role of the savior of salvation like a parasitic leech gloms on to the body of a fat dog. Rudy has invoked 9/11 so many times since 9/11 that Delaware Senator Joe Biden quipped at Tuesday night's democratic debate that “Rudy Giuliani is probably the most underqualified man since George Bush to seek the presidency.” He then went on to add what is already destined to be a classic line, “Rudy Giuliani - there’s only three things he mentions in a sentence; a noun, a verb and ‘9/11′ ”

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Try as he may, Rudy can't be 100% of the worst possible presidential election all by himself. He needs someone of equal obnoxiousness to assist him in that endeavor. Hillary Clinton, come on down. I unequivocally believe Hillary wouldn't eat a hot dog at a hot dog eating contest unless she commissioned a comprehensive focus group to first determine if the majority of the public wanted to watch actual hot dogs being actually consumed at an actual hot dog eating contest. I wish the computer I'm typing on right now was as just half as programmed as Hillary is. That's why it was such a surprise, albeit a pleasant one, to see her within a matter of two minutes come out in support of issuing New York driver licenses to undocumented workers (aka illegal aliens) and then do an "uh oh" and come out against the same exact issue before the murmurs could even die down to a shocked hush.

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Rudy and Hillary have not been officially coronated by the democratic and republican parties quite yet. It seems I'm not alone in my dislike for these two yoyos. Rudy's two kids hate him to a point of supporting other candidates and refuse to even talk to him. Rudy's two ex wives hate him. The New York City Firefighters hate him too. People who appreciate truth hate Rudy as well. He thinks fully supporting and rejecting everything from abortion to him being a Red Sox fan endears him to people, but mostly it just leads to ridicule. Hillary likes to tout her experience in the White House as the first wife. So it has to make you wonder why she wants to keep this so called experience completely secret by refusing to allow the US Archives to release the papers detailing her roll in her husband's administration. How can the leaders of the free world be unable to offer up better candidates and more importantly, better human beings than these two.

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Seven years ago George W Bush became president of this country. I don't have to tell anybody what a never ending nightmare this has been. The only person who seemed to foretell what would befall this country was a 20th century Baltimore journalist named H.L. Mencken. He wrote, "As democracy is perfected, the office of the president represents, more and more closely, the inner soul of the people. On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron." More right Mr. Mencken couldn't have been. I wonder if he could have imagined that as this nightmare is drawing to a conclusion, another horror show seems poised to take its place. Another great U.S. scholar was quoted as saying "it aint over til it's over." Well Yogi, let's hope the third choice in this presidential election is the enlightened epiphany you were referring to. If not, you bring the ketchup and I'll supply the wonder bread and lizards.........

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