Friday, February 29, 2008

Which One is Dumb? Which One is Dumber?

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I understand the motivational factors that propel people forward with nothing to lose. It's about freedom. As Kris Kristofferson wrote millions of years ago, "Freedom's just another word for nothin left to lose, And nothin aint worth nothin but its free." So with the essence of nothing having been clearly defined, we are now much more qualified to discuss what motivates the current political versions of yin and yang, Ralph Nader and Mike Huckabee. Two of the duller blades in the medicine cabinet of life both would lead you to believe that they should be President of the United States. When you think about it, why shouldn't they? Whereas this country may be lacking when it comes to natural resources, good jobs, affordable health care and quality education, it certainly can claim an abundance of riches when it comes to gun ownership, intolerance, misguided patriotism and lack of leadership. This has to at least partially explain why Nader and Huckabee's steadfast claims they should be president haven't entirely fallen on deaf ears.

I fully realize the doors to political Hades swung wide open in 2000 when the majority of the American electorate gave our dumbest, least qualified citizen the keys to the Oval Office. The U.S. will be paying for that catastrophe for many years to come. It's not enough, however, to say at least Nader and Huckabee are brighter than Bush. Hell, we all have flashlights loaded with three year old batteries that are brighter than Bush. You can't claim weeks of hard studying really paid off when you improve your test score in World Geography from 42% to 47%, just because you can now pinpoint China on a wall map. You still failed miserably, but at least you're smarter than the guy in the Fed Ex commercial who confused China with Greenland. Just try to remember, that was a comedic based commercial, you're theoretically in real life. Right now anybody who's considering voting for Huck or Ralphie Boy has to sit down, take a deep breath and ask yourself "what's wrong with me and why on earth am I even considering this?"

Andy Warhol many years ago claimed that as a result of our media driven obsession with the spotlight, every man, woman and child would eventually have his or her 15 minutes of fame. This seems sufficient for most people. I can think of a few things I would like to do to get me on the Colbert Report. With censorship still healthily thriving even on an opinion driven blog such as this, I'm going to limit my comments to the fact that what I'm specifically thinking may in fact need some strong editing. But getting back to Mike Hucklehead and Ralph Knucklehead, what you have is a 74 year old professional presidential candidate and his 52 year old understudy. Much like the annual emergence of the groundhogs, we have candidates who seemingly are prepared to crawl out of their burrows every four years to make a futile run for the presidency. Some would say, ask not what your country can do for you, but what can your country do for you to make money.

Once Senator Grandpa "My Friends" McCain mathematically nails down the republican nomination for president, what's Huck going to do with the rest of life? I mean once you've spent time before adoring crowds in Iowa, New Hampshire and South Carolina, how can you go back to the bright lights of Hooterville, Arkansas. As exciting as Saturday night dinner at the Rotary Club and a barbecued squirrel supper tailgate party at the Wal-mart may appear to most people, it just lacks the excitement of the campaign trail. These events are rife with speeches and the inevitable action news team interview. It pays better too. Much like Nader, the Hick from Hope will be very much in demand on the lecture circuit. Who wouldn't want to pay $150 for a plate of frozen chicken wings and lima beans and then for dessert, be regaled with stories from the road to the White House. If you're really lucky, Huck will do some Sunday preaching and then debunk Darwin's theories of evolution. Who needs Darwin when any Tom, Dick or Hucky will do?

Both perennials are fully cognizant of the fact they have no chance of winning, but any well paid job for current doers of nothing is more financially rewarding than the presidency. Don't take my word for it, ask George W Bush how hard it is to be the consummate screw up. Bush's 24/7 schedule would destroy the average man or woman. 24 hours per week and 7 months per year is a grueling pace for any mere mortal. However, Americans catch on eventually. Why let Mike and Ralph sop up all the failed candidate gravy. You too in the privacy of your own home can learn to turn failure into big bucks. For the low, low price of $249.99 plus shipping and handling, you will receive the home version of How to be a Loser. Act like an idiot, ignore science, ignore reality, branch out from being a local embarrassment to a national one. Give speeches, 1001 jokes to tell yourself while you laugh all the way to the bank. The possibilities are endless. So who's the real dumb one, Veritas? I'm going to saute me some squirrel drumsticks and spam in sausage gravy right now and have to get back to you on that one. In the interim, anybody want to hire me to make a speech? Anybody? Anybody at all....

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