Thursday, February 28, 2008

Would You Like a Pillow With Your Whine?

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The 20th and mercifully final democratic debate concluded Tuesday evening in Cleveland, Ohio. Whoever coined the phrase "enough is enough" must have envisioned just such a self-replicating event as the latest 90 minute battle for the hearts and minds of democratic voters everywhere. I unapologetically am not neutral and fervently support Barack Obama. I feel more and more certain of my position every time I see the two of them sharing a stage. Senator Obama comes across as in command, thoughtful, worthy of respect and absent of the pettiness attributed to losers everywhere. Hillary on the other hand is shrill, a phony, egocentric and the very definition of petty. I watched some of Tuesday's debate and was sickened by the Princess of Pantsuits from the beginning. Hillary is afflicted with a malady known as "Birthright Interuptus." She carefully plotted her course from Capitol Hill to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Nothing or Nobody would dare try to stop her. She thought of everything. God himself appeared before her to tap her shoulder and anoint her as his co-president. The man with countless millions of followers, the original inspirational orator, he of the flowing white hair, the father who loved all people, the thick Arkansas drawl, the philanderer-in-chief and blessed with the only ego larger than Hillary. Ladies and Gentlemen, allow me to introduce the man we call God, William Jefferson Almighty Clinton.

Great concept, captivating story, mesmerizing plot, stunning ending. Next Tuesday, this long, contentious campaign should come to an end. Anything can happen and it always does, but for Hillary to become the democratic nominee, a political version of football's Hail Mary pass would need to be repeatedly completed. For the sake of the democratic party and everybody who agrees we need a breath of fresh air, let us pray it doesn't. After enduring eight years of the stench of the rotting Bush administration, here's hoping the voters in Ohio and Texas cut through all the bull feces and choose wisely this time.

I was so disgusted watching an adult who aspires to be the first female president, acting like a petty, spoiled child taking the low road when the high road was so free of traffic. How many past serious candidates for president ever parroted a biased, unfunny Saturday Night Live skit as the model for the principles debates should adhere to? Tina Fey, who believes herself to be the funniest woman she knows, lampooned every objective news reporting outlet working today simply because they haven't bent over and moistened Hillary's female derriere like she has. I have no problem with any SNL skit. That's because I'm not under any obligation to watch it. But when presidential candidate and US Senator Hillary Clinton cites specific dialog from the program to complain of her perceived mistreatment, the viewers are left to roll their eyes, shake their heads and wonder if all that polyester hasn't caused an interruption in oxygen flow to her brain.

Then Hillary did something I haven't taken part in since elementary school. She whined like a spoiled child to moderator Tim Russert as to whyyyyy she always has to go first. Research showed that prior to the last debate, Hillary was asked the first question five times in the last nine debates. 55% does not constitute all. But if she was asked the second question, I'm positive she would have whined about that too. Whiners are bottom feeders. Winners rise to the top. Another unattractive trait of Ms. Clinton is the incessant need to always have to get the last word in, to mock her opponent and his supporters with her fake makeup cracking smile and then take credit for everything good and treat every failure as if it were a leper.

She also lies like a discounted Wal-Mart toupee by claiming she's working on getting her tax returns and archived papers released. I will bet my liver those returns or papers will never see the light of day until after her "ready to lead from day one" ass is planted in the oval office. The funny thing is, not one person believes that material would still be stashed away if it painted her in a remotely positive light. She'd be handing them out herself along with thousands of dollars worth of donuts she and her staff are wolfing down at a record pace. Everybody has heard the old cliche how "you can't have it both ways." Well, apparently everybody but Hillary. Sometimes you have to take the bad with the good, unless you're Hillary. Senator Clinton in a matter of two months has gone from the "can't lose to can't win kid candidate." She was very gracious when she simply couldn't come up with one scenario in a million she could lose. My oh my has that pronouncement taken a 180 degree turn. Her head was held high above the fray as she discussed ideas as opposed to which candidate goes first. She cited ambitious ideas whereas now she cites favorable Saturday Night Live skit lines.

If she chooses to do that, she might want to watch an old clip of another SNL broadcast. The late John Belushi's "the thing that wouldn't leave" skit. Belushi portrayed a kind of sad, boring party guest who stayed too long after a houseparty ended. The hosts did everything possible to convince him to leave without overtly coming out and being rude. But Belushi just couldn't take a hint. It was time to go, but he just wouldn't leave. Hillary, don't be that Belushi character. You be classy just like San Diego. You walk away with your head held high, your dignity in tact and with the determination to live to fight another day. Isn't that better than the shrill, shrewish fingernail scraping on the blackboard whiner that has to be muffled by a commemorative Saturday Night Live pillow? Oh, I almost forgot, PLEASE take Bill with you.....

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