Friday, February 22, 2008

Sex, Drugs, Politics & more Sexxxxxxxxxxx!

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Repeat after me, SEX! Wow, we've just said a mouthful so to speak. When the sex word is even hinted at nowadays, so many seemingly normal people morph into their grandmother and need a big swig of farm fresh warm milk. Whenever I hear people generalize and talk about how come the leading country in the world can't manage to come up with more desirable candidates than Mitt Romney, Mike Huckabee and George W. Bush, just to name a very few, I just shake my head and laugh out loud. I happen to know the problem revolves around the fact that it's becoming increasingly difficult to find real human beings who've led exemplary if not perfect lives. If you're a middle aged man or woman and announce you're running for the presidency of the United States of America, your closet is about to ripped open, closely scrutinized and vetted within an inch of its life. Barack Obama found out earlier this year, that not even his ambitions and philosophies of life as a kindergarten student were exempt from deep probing and careful analysis. I myself as a kindergarten student once threw a kid's baseball cap in the toilet during a truculent dispute outside of the boy's bathroom. This momentary lapse of judgment and subsequent tortious act of personal property destruction virtually assured any future political aspirations I may have had were literally flushed along with poor Bobby's hat.

Fortunately my youthful indiscretions including premarital golf course sex, underage drinking and inhalation of marijuana cigarettes didn't take place until my decadent teen years. The fact I'm admitting to all this on such a highly regarded internet based forum such as Breaking Views has sunk any possible presidential plans for myself much like that North Atlantic iceberg did to the Titanic nearly a century ago. You can't be an aggressive five year old anymore than you can be a horny fifteen year old and think you have a political future once your Pandora's Box contents are strewn all over CNN, MSNBC and Fox Noise. Speaking of the Moe, Larry and Curly of cable news outlets, all three are in an absolute dither over a published New York Times front page article that absent of corroboration, alleges that the republican, great grandfatherly, presumptive nominee for president, John McCain, may have possibly had an "inappropriate" relationship with a female lobbyist more than 30 years his junior back in 2000. I sincerely hope the article turns out to be untrue. Don't get me wrong, I'm in no way a fan or supporter of the jowled septuagenarian from Arizona. But the mere thought of this guy who looks 100 yet comes across as much older when he speaks, having sex with anybody gives me a chill that I thought global warming would no longer permit.

As far as I'm concerned, the only candidates that made a legitimate bid for the White House that displayed any real human qualities were John Edwards and Barack Obama. Despite all the probing and examining by news outlets and political rivals, no sex scandals have been produced to date. Edwards was mostly raked over the political coals because he paid $400 for a haircut while championing the rights of poor people. Unfortunately it's true that a great many hard working Americans toil 40 hours per week for less than the cost of an Edwards trip to the salon, but so what. Even Bill Gates and Warren Buffet combined couldn't provide every man, woman and child living below the poverty line with $400 and not wind up there themselves. If Edwards runs again in the future, I would advise him to go to a barber college or get his head shaved clean. Perhaps he could just announce he smoked a joint or perused a Hustler Magazine back in the 80's to offset his compulsive, obsessive tonsorial desires. Soon to be President Obama apparently smoked some joints and even snorted cocaine more than 30 years ago as a teenager. Oh my God, the one teen in US History that didn't say NO to drugs now has the audacity to be our president as well as to hope? I'm feeling faint. I need a shot of vodka and a cupcake. Why do so many Americans believe with such zeal and fervor that they can do anything they want, but that you and I can't? To paraphrase Tom Hanks as Jimmy Dugan, There's no hypocrisy in baseball, just in real life it would seem.

Why do people hold others to higher standards than they hold themselves? I remember reading about a big, fat, former Illinois Congressman named Henry Hyde. This republican sack of excrement was one of the most vocal proponents for impeachment of Bill Clinton during the 90's. He cited morality so vociferously and often, somebody finally decided to more closely inspect the life of the obese Illinois Jesus. That's right, Congressman Morality orchestrated and carried on in a four year extramarital affair in the swinging 60's. When the news became public that the patriotic congressman with the RED face, WHITE hair, and BLUE testicles had a four year sex affair without his wife's input or knowledge, Hyde simply dismissed the incident by claiming it was merely a "youthful indiscretion". Yeah ok Sonny. The affair took place when Hyde ranged in age from 41 to 45. In other words, barely out of the womb. I could list hypocritical weasels for years here and never run short on material. But that's really not the point, however. The point is that in life as in politics. you get what you pay for.

Do you really want simplistic robots that lead lives so squeaky clean and virtuous, that they're not even human? Do you want a game show host looking, varmint hunting, flip flopper with magic underwear who was named after a piece of baseball equipment singing I Feel Pretty, Oh So Pretty while your country continues downward on the express elevator to the abyss? I mean why not build a colony on Mars and start growing and raising future candidates free of sex, drugs, rock 'n roll or any human qualities whatsoever for that matter? Do you want a person that's actually lived his or her life or somebody that appears to be hooked up and manipulated through an xbox controller? (ie. Laura Bush, Cindy McCain and any republican who claims to be of higher moral fiber than you are) Just try to remember that if you prefer your candidates to be the laboratory grown, absent of human qualities type, they need constant fertilization. When I look at the bulk of today's political landscape, I don't see very many real humans, but sadly, I do see many examples of human fertilizer....

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