Monday, February 11, 2008

It's Too Damn Easy to Be a Republican!


I couldn't turn away. If you've ever crawled up an interstate at maybe 5 MPH for 20 minutes or so, because everybody in front of you just had to stop and look at the aftermath of a horrific accident, you have been where I just was. The horrific accident I saw, however, was taking place before my very eyes and ears. Recently announced former candidate for president, Willard "Mitt the Mormon" Romney, the Latter Day Taint himself, addressed CPAC, better known as the Conservative Political Action Committee or the American Nazi Party Third Reich, part II. These conventioneers have not only drunk the soul sacrificial kool-aid, they also smoked and snorted it as well. If you've ever watched a well produced and orchestrated film featuring invading zombies terrorizing the locals, you can categorically state that you witnessed Mitt's shameful and hyperbolic oratory. Mitt's divisive speech came a matter of minutes after it was announced he was "suspending" his campaign for the presidency. Did the GOP really use the term "suspending?" That's like a doctor telling a brand new widow her dearly departed husband suspended breathing moments before he was fitted with a toe tag. The business baron, who spent a fortune to bag very few delegates at the rate of $1.6 million per, didn't suspend his candidacy so much as the American public suspended it for him with a middle finger flip-flop off.

Two defining characteristics of republicans are that they seem to love the euphoria only a lobotomy brings and they love to uniformly applaud for simple minded speeches like the vintage monkey with a pair of cymbals. Republicans and democrats are slowly but surely becoming the Sunnis and Shias of the western hemisphere. There is such a growing hatred of one sect of Americans against the other, that I one day envision emerging world leader China leading a coalition of nations into occupying the United States. The republicans will enjoy an early advantage because you can't be a card carrying member without owning at least a dozen automatic deer hunting rifles and varmint six shooters. The democrats will eventually catch up, not so much because of superior intellect on their part, but inferior intellect on the part of the republicans. Every sentence in Mitt's reincarnation of General MacArthur's 1942 "I Shall Return" speech was written to illicit applause from the mouth breathing, non-blinking hypocrites of the New World Order set. Let's focus on the fact that Mitt didn't find a cure for lung cancer, he was merely reading an "I got my ass whipped by a ninety year old maverick" speech that appeared to be written by a middle schooler.

It's really not a closely guarded secret how to get hysterical applause at a Reagan Youth Rally function. Rule number 1 is say the name Ronald Reagan a minimum three times every 50 words. It doesn't matter if you're referencing pre or post Alzheimer Ronnie, nobody could really differentiate between the two versions anyway. You could be on page 83 of a 110 page speech on why George W. Bush was our most intellectually gifted president. At this point, even Laura is alternating between fighting off the urge to begin hysterically laughing and lapsing into a coma. You, out of nowhere, randomly blurt out the name Ronald Reagan, and the assembled crowd of lemmings will blindly erupt into a cacophony of guttural shrieks and goose-stepping stomps. Next, tout your own Rambo like courage and call all democrats cheese eating sissies. Mitt is perfect for this act of mockery. The conservative son of a Mexican born son of a polygamist served less time in the armed forces than Nicole Ritchie served in jail. In fact, his five patriotic sons chose to serve their country in a time of war by chauffering daddy's campaign bus deep into the corn stalks of Iowa instead of Iraq. That's my definition of courage. Then just spew out anti-tax, anti-immigration, anti- abortion, ant-liberal, anti-gay and anti-human rhetoric. But always remember to be for an anti-ballistic missile in every pot. Then scream out Ronald Reagan and step back for a moment as the audience explodes into a mouth foaming frenzy.

Now your people are ready to enlist as foot soldiers in the Reagan Revolution. Ahh, I love the smell of narrow minded hate mongers in the Grand "Storm Trooper" Ballroom at the Motel 6. You gaze out in the audience and see some of our countries' shining beacons of hope. Bill O'Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, Ann Coulter, Laura Ingraham, Glenn Beck, George W. Bush, Sean Hanity, Rupert Murdoch, Jack the Ripper, Karl Rove, Eva Braun, Fox News, Dick Cheney, Hermann Goerring, Joe Lieberman and Adolph Hitler just to name a few of the more rational conferees. These people should scare you. Not because of any havoc they, themselves could wreak. They're all spineless cowards who would be more likely to soil their pants at the first sign of physical confrontation than actually fight. Their power is their ability to metaphorically hypnotize people with bazookas in their basements and pea shooters in their attics. Their genius is limited to their ability to lead their adoring followers to shed their actual blood for their imagined courage. Every difficult task in life would be simple if you could manipulate somebody else to do it for you. The aforementioned roster above does that every time they open their mouths in proximity of your ears.

Maybe for once, you should applaud and cheer less, and listen and think more. Your puppeteers have become wealthy by telling you how to act. They'll keep making it as long as you keep buying it. A puppet is only as good as his puppet master. Next time somebody pulls your strings and tells you to dance, instead of mindlessly kicking your legs, mindfully kick them right in their groin and say to yourself, it's not so damn hard to think for myself.....

1 comment:

People in the Sun said...

Holy mother of God, don't let me hold you back!

"Letter Day Taint"

I like it! What a frickin' brilliant post. Damn.

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