My Mommy Says, "You CAN'T Be My Roommate"

So you think things simply can't get any more ridiculous? George W. Bush is president, gasoline prices hover around $3 per gallon, CEO's of federally subsidized companies are making in excess of $50 million annually and non-English speaking Indians in Mumbai or Pakistanis in Islamabad are your customer service representatives for the Ipod you bought at the Best Buy a mile from your house in Cleveland!

Well Mr. and Mrs. Uncle Sam America, not so fast. Now thanks to the advances of modern technology and FACEBOOK, we have documented evidence that things can get even more ridiculous. Housing officials at colleges and universities all across the country have begun sending out room assignments for incoming freshman. This information, of course, notates the obvious, such as name of the resident hall and corresponding room number. However, also included is the name of Junior's new best pal, THE ROOMMATE. Sometimes the mere mention of THE ROOMMATE can still send eerie shivers up and down one's spine. My spine still tingles every time I recall my first ROOMMATE laying out his underwear all over every inch of available floor space after he turned each pair inside out. My inquiring mind had to first wonder and then ask why he was doing this? It turned out the rationale was a simple one. By turning his ample supply of tidy whities inside out and spraying each pair with LYSOL, the simple principles of mathematics dictated he would be forced to do laundry half as many times as he would have had to without this epiphany.

The information however, included in the report to daddy and mommy dearest really doesn't delve into personal hygiene and THE ROOMMATE'S theory on life, but it does include his Facebook page bio. Parents reading these forms of self expression are apparently not liking anything about THE ROOMMATE'S "self" or "expressions." It seems some of these future captains of industry like to take mind expanding drugs, drink to excess, and explore their sexuality in ways that are mostly limited to adult pay per view channels reserved for late night viewing. Also included are often provocative snapshots offering irrefutable photographic evidence that the young men and women are backing up their claims of debaucheries with joyous abandon.

It seems a certain percentage of moms and pops are taking the classic "Oh no, not with my Angel you don't" attitude. They are contacting these bastions of higher education and enlightenment to DEMAND their innocent lamb be reassigned a more suitable ROOMMATE. In other words, somebody they would pick themselves. I'm assuming a young woman planning to become a nun or a young man preparing to become said nun's spiritual adviser would be more to their liking.

Well mom and well dad, that ain't gonna work. Have you not raised these wonderful young adults to think for themselves? Are you planning on moving next door to the school and making sure breakfast is ready when they wake up or a nutritious dinner after a hard day in the classroom? Will you be advising them how to prepare their stomachs for the all important Friday night drinking contests (when preparation before the first chug can often mean the difference between victory and a night draped over a toilet yelling for EARL?) You can't lay out their clothes, you can't live their lives and you can't pick their ROOMMATES. If you really feel the next Albert or Alberta Einstein can't find the best person for them to share a room with, then perhaps they should remain home with you.

Remember one thing. Your kids didn't pick you to be their parents, and I'm assuming that somehow that worked out? So if they were smart enough to be accepted to a college or university, they're probably smart enough to find the right ROOMMATE as well. By the way, I managed to find the right ROOMMATE too even before my first semester concluded. The old expression about there being a lid for every pot must include there's a ROOMMATE for every kid who sprays his underwear with lysol........