Once upon a time, celebrities were thought of as accomplished, talented human beings, who were regarded for their extraordinary contributions to their chosen field of the arts. Not anymore, Sparky. Now your talent merely need consist of the ability to draw attention to yourself, as you flit in and out rehab facilities, as well as in between discoveries of porn videos you made while under the influence of Vicodin and/or cocaine. Let's take a VERY BRIEF look at four of America's shining contributors to the betterment of the world.
Paris Hilton - What an immensely talented young celebrity this is. I think all of us will forever remember with crystal clarity exactly where we were and what we were doing when the official word came down that Paris would be thrown in jail like a common violator of probation for an alcohol related reckless driving case. If you're anything like me, you asked yourself the following: My goodness gracious, Veritas, will this ugly blemish forever stain her flourishing career as an international star of stage, cinema, television, musical recording, home pornography videos and paid product endorser for some of the country's premier fortune 500 companies? We came together as a nation as we watched her triumphantly leave the LA county lockup with her handcuffs off and her pants on. Thank God our national treasure went on television to relive her darkest hour with CNN's hard hitting Larry King. I will never forget the pain and anguish I went through, convinced the world would explode at any second, as these two Nutty Buddy's relived the incarceration of the 21st century version of Alfred Dreyfus.
Lindsay Lohan - Accomplished actress, model, recording star, illegal narcotic abuser, habitual rehab participant and alcoholic. This is even more impressive when you take into consideration, La Lohan just recently turned 21 years of age. In all fairness to Lohan, she may actually have some talent, but her most obvious talent is her ability to use her "celebrity" status to make her fanciful excuses more entertaining than anything else she may have done in her magnificent career. I admired her most recent public excuse the best. You know the one where the cocaine in her pants pocket couldn't have possibly been hers, because they weren't even her pants! The Celebrity Code forces these top shelf performers to remove their pants whenever they grace a party. Then, after they ingest massive amounts of alcohol and illegal narcotics, they are required by the aforementioned code to slip into another party guest's pants, (coincidently, those pants ALWAYS have cocaine in the pockets) as they leap into a car, and excessively and recklessly speed after their former publicists. Mmmmm, those pants sure smell like Oscar to me.
Nicole Ritchie - Wait just one second, I need to stop hysterically laughing before I can continue this celebrity expose. This multi-talented performer best known for her role as the on again, off again, Paris Hilton sidekick, recently got out of jail too. For an agonizing 82 minutes, which according to unconfirmed reports, is the same amount of time it takes the wrong way automobile driving specialist and drug inhaling sidekick to watch the long running CBS smash hit, 60 Minutes. Poor Ms. Ritchie was actually jailed for an entire 82 minutes before her triumphant release back into her public's adoring arms. I have to admit, that of all the talentless people on this planet to be referred to as a celebrity, The "Nicolinator" may embody that title more so than anyone else today. She is singularly known for playing the updated Ethel Mertz, to Paris' 2000 version of Lucy Ricardo for a couple of nondescript years on television. She then resuscitated her nearly dead career as an anorexic, narcotic abusing user of illegal drugs and alcohol. Driving the wrong way on a major street into oncoming traffic was a pure stroke of genius. Let us also not forget, she's the adopted daughter of a famous singer from the 70's. C'mon now, can't we form some type of emergency committee to strip her of her celebrity title immediately?
Britney Spears - America's Sweetheart and perhaps the only living person on Planet Earth that can make Kevin Federline look like Ward Cleaver, the old television dad from the 50's sitcom, Leave it to Beaver. The once cute pop tart has reinvented herself in just a few short years as a classless, belching drug abusing, alcoholic, bald, trailer trashcan mom as well as any celebrity has in the history of celebrities. Spears has completely transformed her career from that of a harmless, little, cutesy pop singer with a certain appeal to 10 year old girls and 50 year old men, into an overweight, oversexed, over drugged alcohol abusing momma of two soon to be in desperate need of therapy, children. Britney's recent contributions to the arts have mostly consisted of cavorting in and out of rehab facilities, shaving her head to allegedly prevent her hair from being tested for drug abuse, alienating herself from her family and fueling rumors she's now into lesbianism. That revelation may appear to be a few years too late, but let's all keep an open mind here, and give this some time to manifest itself into a full length video. I mean, who knows if this isn't a giant thrust forward in her evolving development as a human being? After all, Britney is still considered a celebrity.
I kept my promise, four brief looks at our 2007 Annual Salute to Celebrities. So is there a lesson to be learned from all this? Yeah, I think there is. Only the true suckers will study acting, take voice lessons and act in a mature, responsible manner. The celebrities, on the other hand, will party like rock stars, get wicked messed up and enjoy glamorous rehab sessions. If they're particularly diligent, they will serve jail sentences measured in minutes and get to meet cool other celebrities like Larry King. What to do? Perhaps they might wanna wash 22 vicodin down with some vodka, and call me in the morning. That is, of course, if they don't call Larry, first....