Monday, January 7, 2008

I Just Rolled into New Hampshire and...

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boy, are my ribs sore. The eyes of the world will be focusing on the Granite State. New Hampshire will be center stage this week as the first true primary in the nation takes place on Tuesday. Many unanswered questions should be resolved shortly after the last polling precinct closes its doors in the early evening hours. A muddled nomination picture should become a lot clearer Tuesday evening after the networks begin declaring the winners and losers. In anticipation of the results, I'll try to clarify the ramifications of who must win, who should win and ultimately who will win.

First, for the republican party. Right now the betting favorite is John McCain. The septigenarian senator who could easily pass for an octogenarian or perhaps even a nonagenarian is the current front runner. I will readily admit this guy's appeal is a thoroughly deep shrouded mystery to me. His claim to fame was being captured and tortured in Vietnam more than 40 years ago. I assume the average republican enjoys torture so much, McCain's past makes him extra appealing to the strength through words but not through action crowd. The seventy-one year old Arizonan has been a politician for 25 years now. He spent four years in the U.S House of Representatives and is currently serving his fourth term in the U.S. Senate.

Unlike most republicans, however, McCain actually looks at the world in slightly more than a unidimensional way. He has come out in favor of a more liberal approach to the illegal alien problem, he generally doesn't get on his hands and knees to lick the loins of the bible thumping buffoons who believe this country should be renamed the United States of Jesus and despite his age similarity with former President Ronald Reagan, doesn't use him as an applause prop like most of his fellow candidates. Let's be honest if we can. If McCain were somehow to be elected, he would be past 80 at the conclusion of his second term. I'm not being discriminatory to seniors, but men in their 70's traditionally spend far more time focusing on their pasts then their futures. McCain would much better be suited to becoming President of the Del Boca Vista Condo Board than of the free world.

Barack Obama, fresh off his upset victory over the woman boasting 35 years experience of doing stuff nobody has any idea what it was, has come from way back to being slightly ahead in the latest poling. I get so tired of hearing how young and inexperienced Senator Obama is. The guy is 46 years of age, not fresh out of high school. He is the only candidate to have lived extensively outside the U.S., giving him the unique perspective of seeing this country not only from within but as the rest of world does. That's an important attribute when dealing with world leaders to be able see things from all sides. As for the experience factor, nobody running for the White House has ANY experience as president. Not even you, Hillary. You were the president's wife. You don't hear the wife of NFL football player Brett Favre claiming she's ready from day one to step in and play quarterback for the Green Bay Packers because her husband has. Nobody has experience doing anything until they actually do something. So Hillary, I must respectfully request you shut up about your vast 35 years of experience of whatever it was you were doing. You have never been president and hopefully never will be.

Back to the republicans, there is no clear choice. McCain, Romney, Thompson, Huckabee and Giuliani sound more like an opening act for Carrie Underwood than for the leader of the free world. The democrats have a much clearer choice. Do you want a bright, well informed 46 year old with a vision for the future, or a 60 year old relic from the past with 35 years of experience gaining experience? I'm not objective, I'm hopeful. After eight years of a mental pygmy who led this country into a Grand Canyon like hole, we can ill afford to choose someone we want to drink a beer with as the president. Besides, I guarantee you McCain's aging bladder can't hold beer, Romney drinks Zima, Huckabee drinks Jesus Juice, Thompson drinks kaopectate and Giuliani is too busy talking about 9/11 to even have time for a drink. As for Hillary, she will drink anything that she thinks will get her an extra vote. Don't you drink the Kool-aid. You're never going to drink anything with these candidates but you're going to be spending the next eight years eating whatever they serve you. I'll be looking forward to taking my meals at Obamas.....

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