Monday, December 10, 2007

My God Can Kick Your God's Ass!

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I'm anxiously waiting for an announcement any day now from my satellite provider, that for the low, low price of $54.95 plus all applicable federal and state taxes, the good Christians among us will stage their first annual "My God Can Kick Your God's Assapalooza." Seriously, does that sound any more ridiculous than the current field of republican presidential hopefuls beating the cornfields of Iowa and the bucolic pastures of New Hampshire claiming to be Jesus' co-pilot and top choice to occupy the White House in 2009? My head is still vibrating in response to Willard "Mitt" Romney's groundbreaking, or was it wind breaking, vision of modern day political ecclesiastics. I don't intend to direct my disdain solely towards Willard. With Mike Huckabee, Fred Thompson, John McCain and Rudy Giuliani lurking around the same Kool-aid trough, there's plenty of other opportunistic hypocrites to ridicule as well.I'm sad to report that one of these zagnut bars actually has an even chance to be elected President of the United States in approximately 11 months.

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YOU MIGHT WANNA FILL IN YOUR OWN CAPTION ON THIS ONE

Willard "Mitt" has spent a great portion of his valuable time clarifying his personal beliefs on religion. This could not have been easy. Mitt and his team of highly paid consultants and advisers first had to establish what Mitt's personal beliefs even are. This was done the way everything is done on Team Romney. You do comprehensive internal polling to determine how the majority of potential voters feel, thereby determining how you, yourself feel. Willard is a Mormon. This specific religion is known in the business as The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Try to say that really fast three times in a row. The Flip-Flopper extraordinaire originally decided to avoid discussing his biblical heritage because quite frankly, it's a major downer to the evangelical wing of the republican party. Religion is only important when it positively impacts your candidacy, not when the opposite occurs. Don't worry Governor Goober Huckabee, we're getting to you next.

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As you may or may not know at present, former Arkansas Governor, Mike Huckabee has recently emerged as a player in the republican presidential campaign. Why is that? Because of his overall breathtaking intellect, his knowledge and experience dealing with potential hot spots around the world, his demonstrative grasp of key domestic issues facing American life or maybe is it the fact that he comes across as an affable, plain talking country bumpkin who uses his status as an ordained baptist minister to attract the mouth breathing droolers who are led around by their Christian tails. Preacher Huckabee was smart enough to finally realize that in order to have a chance at winning his party's nomination, he had to find an angle. That angle in this case turns out to be every politician's best friend, Jesus Christ. You don't have to know what the National Intelligence Estimate (NIE) is as long as your love for Jesus supplants your lack of national intelligence knowledge. Huckabee's stock has risen in the polls as Romney's fell. Both men are empty political suits, so what caused this flip-flop of fortune? Maybe the fact that there's a lot more Baptists being polled, than Mormons?

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Mainly due to the fact that the dumbest and most deceitful chief executive in history is nearly seven years into his presidency, the United States now faces perils at home and abroad that once seemed unimaginable. We're repeatedly told how we're winning the war on terrorism, but it's hard to celebrate our victory when airport baggage screeners are confiscating our four ounce bottles of mouthwash and how we need a photo ID just so we can pay money to watch Britney Spears drunkenly lip sync a rhythmic din, her sycophants laughingly refer to as music. There's so many internal problems that have been ignored or incompetently dealt with since 2001. Have Americans really become so narrow minded and short sighted that we would succumb to brainwashed acceptance of baseless theocratic beliefs to determine who our next president will be? Think intellectually for one brief moment before reading the final paragraph of this post about how an alarming percentage of citizens of the greatest, most powerful and once best educated country in history are prepared to vote for a president because they're being duped by bible thumping lunatics.

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Ask yourself what does Mitt Romney, Mike Huckabee or the candidate of your choice stand for? Rudy Giuliani was mayor of New York when the planes crashed into the Twin Towers. He claims that makes him an expert in homeland security. Hopefully his skills in that regard won't do for the U.S. what it did for New York on 9/11. He's a serial divorcer and wife cheater whose own kids hate him. No wonder Pat Robertson is endorsing Rudy Family-Values. He's the only politician who comparatively makes Robertson almost appear human. John McCain was a POW 40 years ago. He's past 70 years of age and he's always described as a maverick. He was vehemently opposed to everything evangelical sock puppets espoused, until the top one of them, the late Jerry Falwell, invited him to appear on his show to do a 180 degree turn.. McCain did that and everything else Falwell asked except lick himself and roll over. Fred Thompson should stick to portraying politicians on TV as opposed to being them in real life. Time for bed, Fred. What a roster of unlimited talent. Following George W. Bush and Dick Cheney, this was the best the republican party could do? I realize the field of democrats has flaws as well, but compared to this group, any democrat seems like a magnificent gem. I know, I know, Hillary is a democrat, but at least she panders to a much more secular group of agnostics. You see, they're the anti-Christians in this equation. Agnostics don't claim their God can kick your God's ass because they don't even know if there even is a God and what kind of ass kicker he would be if he indeed exists.........




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