Can Huckabee be any Dumber? I Say He Can

A YOUNG HUCKABEE WAS THRILLED TO HEAR THAT NOSE PICKING MAY ONE DAY BECOME AN OLYMPIC SPORT - HE CAN ALREADY TASTE THE GOLD

How appropriate in this season of gift giving that the early writings and theories of Governor Mike "Goober" Huckabee are finally seeing their first light of day. What should trigger an avalanche of imbecilic quotes and statements from the former morbidly obese Governor of Arkansas was reported over the weekend. It seems in 1992, the medical marvel opined that he was in favor of isolating AIDS patients from the general public. He then further stated that homosexuality could very well pose a dangerous public health risk. Can't you just picture Jesus Christ standing next to Huckabee pumping his fists in the air and whooping it up as Goober was advocating the placement of ill human beings into internment camps in order to keep them away from decent baptists like himself. Huckabee said that he made those statements at a time when little was known about the virus. Yeah exactly, never allow your total lack of knowledge on a subject prevent you from making definitive proclamations. "If I was making those same comments today, I might make them a little differently, but obviously I have to stand by what I said," he told reporters at a stop in Asheville, N.C. He might make them a little differently? Uh boy.

THE PRESIDENTIAL LIMO IS PACKED AND READY TO ROCK N ROLL

"It's flattering that people now are digging back everything I ever wrote and ever said," he added. "And there must be something about my campaign that's catching on. But you know if the worst thing somebody can say about me is that 15 years ago I said that we need to be very careful about this transmission of disease, then I'm probably gonna be okay." Huckabee is proud and flattered to be considered an idiot? If that's true, his ego should soon be careening completely out of control. Huckabee made this brilliant remark to reporters during his unsuccessful run for the U.S. Senate in 1992. I often wonder why stupid people take pride in discussing their theories on subjects they know absolutely nothing about. I realize Huckabee was elected governor of Arkansas and is an ordained baptist minister, but whatever intellect he may or may not possess, is quickly disminished when he makes definitive statements on topics he's illiterate on.

HUCKABEE SEEN HERE AT CAMPAIGN HQ IS CLEARLY A MULTI-TASKER

Minister Huckabee, not satisfied with coming across as ignorant on diseases he knew nothing about, decided to offer his opinions on other subjects he was equally clueless on. "I feel homosexuality is an aberrant, unnatural, and sinful lifestyle, and we now know it can pose a dangerous public health risk." Huckabee still happy that people with no outward signs of inbreeding asked him more of these questions in 1992 as well. In another answer that could damage his standing in the presidential race, Huckabee felt that AIDS research was receiving an unfair amount of federal money. Instead, he said celebrities should pay for the research. Good point Jethro, the federal government should allocate all its tax payer dollars on wars and isolation compounds, rather than research to help its citizenry who become sick. I, myself think oncologists should fund cancer research because after all, they're the ones making the big bucks when people contract that disease. Huckabee finished his "let's see how the hillbilly answers this one" q & a session with his soon to be famous "manifesto illiterari" when he suggested that multimillionaire celebrities, such as Elizabeth Taylor, Madonna and others who are pushing for more AIDS funding be encouraged to give out of their own personal treasuries to provide said funding for AIDS research.

UNCLE JED WAS PLUCKED FROM THE "DEEP END" OF THE HUCKABEE GENE POOL

Huckabee clearly thought through each one of these theories to the nth degree. I just get this mental image of Jesus rubbing his forehead and sighing as he wonders aloud why his most fervent supporters have their brains in their athletic supporters. Huckabee spends most of his time cherry picking quotes from Jesus and Ronald Reagan. When he's himself, he seems to be more like a pudgy, dumb redneck who wonders what ratio of beer to Slim Jims he can consume without spoiling his appetite for the delicious Spam and pickled pigs feet entree dinner on gourmet night at the diner out on route 47. Do you really want to live in a country that elects a president who is on the record advocating that actresses and singers fund research for deadly diseases? Once you tear down Huckabee's scripture spouting facade designed to influence religious fanatics, what do you have? You have a less than curious used car salesman, a carnival barker, a telephone solicitor and a fraud who espouses religion and compassion as he's taking your last dollar out of your pocket. Aren't we currently living that nightmare? Is a sequel really necessary?

THE PRESSURE TO DRESS FOR SUCCESS CAN BE OVERWHELMING

Huckabee's not even original. Governments have isolated segments of society ever since society had segments. Lepers were separated from the people. Christians were isolated with lions in ancient Rome. African-Americans were kind of isolated for a few hundred years in this country and many still are. The Puritans came to this country to celebrate religious freedom, but found witch burning so much more inclusive. Japanese-Americans, many of whom never came closer to Japanese soil than California, were locked in internment camps during World War II, and speaking of World War II, didn't that little Austrian wallpaper hanger isolate 6,000,000 Jews into relocation camps completely stocked with lethal gases? Senator Joseph McCarthy overturned every rock expecting to find communists eradicating our freedom. These aren't the only examples but just a brief overview of the art of isolation. The great thing about religion is the way it brings people together by excluding or isolating others that don't share your faith. It's not easy to call somebody a bigoted hypocrite when he's thrusting his bible in your face. Well, actually it's very easy and personally rewarding for me. Evil stupidity can only flourish when the majority stands by and does nothing. I don't do that, I do this. It won't change the Huckabees of the world, but it helps illuminate how dumb they truly are. I predict Mike Huckabee will never be President of the United States. You know why? The Huck isn't deceptive enough. He's not evil enough and most importantly, he isn't dumb enough. George W. Bush was deceptive, evil and dumb enough to be president. Mike Huckabee is no George W. Bush. His porch lights are turned off and it's time for his bed. Goodnight, good luck and goodbye, Mike.....